A
female
age
36-40,
*osycheeks
writes:Hey, I'm not sure what to do or think. I have dated my boyfriend for a year. and he struggles with communication. I've tried to be very patient and let him be, and let him talk more when he is ready.However a lot of issues starting coming about, because of the lack of understanding eachother through lack of communication.The first time I tried, he told me not to turn crazy. Which put me off for a while thinking my issues are maybe just me being silly and they'll solve. I really dont think he realised i needed to talk. SO, they came back these same issues, and I tried to tell him, but i was telling him how to help me with the symptoms. So he did something that hurt again, (i probably wasnt clear the first time) and I was so angry and upset with him.He didnt really think it was anything he could fix, he thinks its me needing to deal with jealousy. and i should trust him he did nothing wrong.These situations i keep getting upset about is all to do with him not including me and not inviting me along to more socials with him. I invite him to as much as I can, especially when its open drinks on a night out.for example - dinner parties im not invited to, or nights out and house parties, sometimes he stays at friends houses and i dont hear from him. Most of his friends are female and I have met majority of them and like them. (note these times are at new years and his birthday type things)For me its the not really showing me im in his thoughts. I asked him is it ok for me to go out getting drunk with lads and sleeping over. He said yes, because its my friends house not some random, and he trusts me.So i experimented and done it - and he said he sat in feeling, sad, angry, couldnt eat ,couldnt sleep.I asked him do you think thats right? He said its his own jealousy problem and its upto him to deal with. So i explained how I feel when im sat in and he is out, feeling neglected etc etc- and he said its sensible and he will include me more and contact me more etc. I'm just after a "im in bed safe text" - nothing too demanding. I wouldnt even want to go everytime to his socials, but if im invited and i said no not tonight, i wouldnt have my issues.He kept talking about one girl in particular a lot also. My thoughts got the better of me and i looked at his conversations with her on his phone, and i saw some inappropriate stuff, nothing to say cheating, but sexual nicknames, and some jokes about being naked.So I asked if anything has ever happened, he said never not even a kiss, theyve both been single at the same time and nothing happened. Initially before becoming in a haze of jealousy - i did actually say to myself, dont fall for this its a mind game. because it was a new thing that he started name dropping a lot.I've convinced myself to break up with him because i've felt hurt a few too many times. And it seems to take a lot of talking for him to understand my point. The past weekend he did put it into action - wasnt the last man standing at the party, went home and contacted me a lot. and i was invited, but i had other plans.I'm not sure I can be convinced. Because although i havent described every situation which has hurt, im just not sure he understands what im saying about when youre in a relationship you need to think about how your actions effect the other person.Do i really need to train someone to learn this - if it is lack of knowing this (he hasnt had a girlfriend thats serioius for about 7 years, since he was 20.He is adamant we keep trying and that he loves me. And says i havent given him a chance since he's realised what I am saying. But did it need to take to breaking point for him to really listen?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (17 July 2012):
 rosey: You are validating what I said. There ARE guys "out there" who are well aware of what YOU are "asking"... and it's not really too much to EXPECT a guy to do a little 'cott'n to you... ESPECIALLY when you've clobbered him over the head - figuratively - as you have!!!!!
Good luck....
A
female
reader, rosycheeks +, writes (17 July 2012):
rosycheeks is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is my problem sageoldguy. I say to him, its not just the times your with me that counts (as he keeps reminding me that we spend lots of time together - about 3 nights per week) I said its also the time we spend apart. I wouldnt care how many nights we did or didnt spend if I knew his heart was in it. He said he thought he was getting it right all this time, and didnt realise. He said he enjoys it when its just us two. His eyes look so sincere when he tells me im not giving it a chance, and he does put things into action. When I've said to him I think youre on facebook around me too much, he stopped immediately, he embarrased me in front of his friends in the beginning once, i told him never to do that again, and he never touched that subject again. I asked him to go home to his own bed after a night out, and he said he will. But I do feel like it is all me laying these rules too!!!! To me it feels like common sense?!?!?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 July 2012):
"Sounds" to me like there's not so much of a "communication" problem as there is that HE is not so very interested and energetic about your "relationship" as you are.....
Re-read your submittal and see if it isn't from a woman who has a disinterested "partner" who she'd be better off without!!!!!
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (16 July 2012):
 If you can't reach a compromise then you're better going your seperate ways I'm afraid as you'll only end up resenting him or worse still hating him.
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, rosycheeks +, writes (16 July 2012):
rosycheeks is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn the whole year I can count on one hand when I have been out with him. We never come back together at the end of the night. I'm lucky if I hear from him. But I always send him a text at the end of the night and invite him when its out dancing etc with friends and he can easily come along and he always does. The only reason I'd not want him with me is so I could flirt around. Which I don't.
And he'll be hungover when we have our time. Which I told him I don't want happening regularly. (which hurts)
But because he's never said call me when youre done and join me or said come along it'd be nice to have you there.
The next day i'll interestedly say - so how was your night - he'll respond yeah was good thanks. and leaves it there, so i ask oh what did you get upto any cool new bars? He says oh just here. then I ask something else. I guess it annoys me he wont talk about a night either. After I've been wondering why I'm not invited, i then get rubbish answers. I don't think he is cheating, but i just get upset and dont feel like im a priority or feel like he cares.
I have asked him to be more open about what he is upto or tell me stories about his friends, anything! He tries but seems to struggle.
He'll talk trivial things, but never talks about feelings or emotions or friendships, and its only taking this breaking point to show him why we need to communicate.
If he's falling out of bars at 11pm with a girl, which I like the girl, but I need to be able to trust him to do these things without me. if he doesnt ever elaborate, what am i supposed to do :s
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (16 July 2012):
Both of you sound insecure in this relationship. There needs to be TRUST here on both sides, which seems to be lacking. If you continue to make such a big deal out of this then you'll end up pushing him into someone else's arms. Although it's nice to go out as a couple, you both have your own identities and occasions will arise where you will socialise seperately. (Girls night out/guys night out) Then you can come back together and talk about your night. You BOTH need to trust one another more without either of you requiring to "report back."Have a talk to him again about it (without the drama). Explain how it makes you feel and what you'd prefer, then ask him how he feels about it all. Remember he's not a mind reader so unless you let him know, he'll not be aware that he's been hurting you or doing anything wrong.COMMUNICATE often!~Eve~
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 July 2012):
 If you want/expect certain behavior from him, you need to tell him. So basically, yes you need to "train" him to communicate.
If the only other person he ever had to stay in contact with was him mom/dad, it takes a little getting used to "reporting" in with a new partner.
I do think at 27 he ought to know, but obviously he doesn't.
You on the other hand, need to learn how to communicate too, you can be in a relationship and assume HE knows what to do, when you call, when to text and who to text.
TALK to him.
Honestly, it sounds like you are looking for an excuse to break up with him.
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