A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My bf is very impatient and has a short temper. I'd also like to mention he has never been abusive to me physically, mentally, or emotionally the past three years we've been together. I wish I could say the same for inanimate object.But... he goes apesh*t if I don't answer my phone. It seriously ruins his entire day (and mine since we live together) if he calls and I don't answer. Mind you, I'm not doing this on purpose. I just always have it on vibrate during the work-week and forget to put it on sound when I'm home. It's happened where I'm simply in the kitchen making myself something to eat, he calls, and of course I don't hear it. I don't even think to check my phone because we've usually spoken just hours before and I'm expecting him home soon. If it were an emergency, I know he'd call the house phone.I need some advice here. I've tried telling him that he's overreacting but that just seems to add fuel to the fire. Maybe it's me? Should I really have my phone attached to my hip and check it every five minutes? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, previasc96 +, writes (26 April 2009):
the first answer was right about this situation being more about paying attention to your partner's pet peeves and trying to accomedate him. You don't have to baby sit your phone, but be more mind full of when he like to call you and put out phone on ring. I had a similar problem bcuz my girl loves to txt all day long. i actually babysit my phone for that reason.
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (26 April 2009):
 Well you could put the phone on a hard surface, like the kitchen countertop, or your coffee table, and hopefully when it vibrates it'll at least make a loud rumbling noise as it reverberates against the wood it's sitting on and maybe that will attract your attention. But frankly I think he's a little insecure and you're a little rebellious. You both need to find middle ground. This is not about the phone. It's about being sensitive to another person's triggers. Avoid them if possible and you'll both be happier.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2009): You should not have to feel so inclined to never miss a phone call. He is overreacting and you should find a way that WILL get that through to him. Love, however, is not somethign that can be undone by problem like this. If you really love him, i don't see how you could leave him over this. Relationships are meant to be stronger than that. I jsut though i'd add my opinion in on that side of the matter.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2009): Maybe it's you? I don't think so! Stop with the self-blame. That's how he keeps you unbalnaced here..just making 'excuses in your mind and accepting' his really crappy behavior. This way of thinking is dragging you down further.
So let's take a look at this scenario and I have a question. Why would 'you' feel this need to keep a phone attached to your hip? Are you saying that because you don't answer the phone, this is his 'excuse' to fly off the handle and make you pay this huge emotional price because he feels entitled and selfish in this relationship? Yikes. Bad news. Listen, you don't want to tolerate this guy's selfish behavior or you'll just end up becoming another, hollow, 'victim', with self-doubts, no confidence, and very embittered by an angry, disrespectful bf. Never, ever excuse anyone's bad temper for blowing up at you. You need some 'balls' to do something to keep him from punishing you, this way. And understand, you aren't doing anything wrong!! You need to stop excusing his behavior and start seeing that his anger is making you edgy, unbalanced and unsafe in this relationship. And the longer you appease his temper and fear it, the more damage it will do to you, over the long run.
So my feeling is you definitely have a very immature controlling bf, who uses his temper to lash out and emotionally abuse you. He needs some anger management and maybe you should learn to stand up to him. Because I see and am reading, how you are simply accepting and excusing his bad behaviour here. Accepting this is making your life a living hell. So stop accepting this because when you ignore, ugly, unpleasant, unacceptable, harmful realities, those realities never go away...they stay in your life, they fester and grow.
The demise of many relationships is often the denial that keeps a toxic, unhealthy union together. She says, 'but I love him' so I tolerate it'. So I ask, is what he's doing to you....love?? No it's neediness, it clinginess, it's evil control, disrespect and it's abuse..plain and simple. But before you get there to understanding what he's 'really, really' doing to you, you need to stop hoping, praying, ignoring, believing, that loving him will make him a different person. It won't.
I'm inclined to agree with the other Aunts. My suggestion...is kick his butt to the curb, girl. Go find someone who'll treat you like a real woman...not a possession. Good luck hun and be strong.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jia  +, writes (26 April 2009):
 No, it's not your fault in any way, shape or form!! You're human, we're bound to forget things sometimes! I think your bf needs to go to anger management class or something like learning how to destress so he doesn't have all of this innate anger which he can lash out at you with. By the off-chance that he does get abusive, please do NOT stay with him! The longer you stay in those kind of situations, the harder and harder it is to get out. And like birdynumnums says, try not to get pregnant. Bringing a baby into this world with a father that has the potential to abuse them is wrong and would be one of the only situations in which I would advocate abortion.
Be careful and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (26 April 2009):
 Nooooo! It's not you. Your instincts about this are absolutely right on.
This is a classic example of controlling behavior and coupled with the fact that he is impatient, has a short temper and destroys your belongings when he is upset, I would say that you have a few red flags here. I would try to keep my emotions in tight rein and bide my time, all-the-while watching him like a hawk. Just observe him with a cool head and trust your own instincts.
If you are interested in other signs, this is a link:
http://www.familyshelterservice.org/assess.html
In the meanwhile, until you decide whether or not you are going to continue dating him/living with him/or sleeping with him, make sure that you are using two forms of birth control and are NOT in any danger of becoming pregnant by him. I would worry about being tied to him by children for YOUR whole life and for the sake of your possible children's lives. Sorry for the drama, but you really need to decide if he is a good man or not, and I would hate to see you tied to an abusive person. Take Care. XXX
...............................
|
