A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:im 20, almost 21 and still a virgin. I recently dated my first real boyfriend. When i told him i was a virgin, he started treating me like a little kid. he was also a pig and would have totally held it above me, sorta notch on his belt idea. What makes it worse it that i told my friend at the time that i was a virgin and she said she wouldn’t tell anyone, but she told ALL his friends, which was super awkward and embarrassing. They all also felt the need to ask me about how many guys i had slept with, when they already knew the answer, which was super bitchy. So long story short, we broke up, never had sex, and we don’t ever talk. Now im freaking out because I feel like there is something wrong with me. Theres no reason that im still a virgin, I just used to be a little shy. Im not waiting for religious reasons, and im far from ugly. Im torn between thinking its really embarrassing, or if it’s a good thing to be virgin. Im really confused. I just really don’t want my next boyfriend to treat me like my last one, so im considering lying, also so that MORE people wont know who I lost it to, and when ect. I find it a really personal issue and the whole experience was traumatizing. Any advice or comments would be appreciated. And honest ones too, not just the “oh its not that big of deal”, “wait for the right guy” type deal. Because until your in my position, you don’t know how big of deal it really is.
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broke up, shy, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks to all the great answersto the female anonymous reader:The reasons for telling someone that you are a virgin, should not be because you don't want to conform or be a sheep as you say. it should be about being honest, and the emotional ties you have with the person you are in a relationship with. And anyway, as iv come to realize, there are alot of virgins in their 20s! So to say that im out of the ordinary and "trying to conform" isnt even a valid point!The reason people dont know about it however, is because people are embarrassed/prefer to keep it personal and they LIE in order to do so. Also, just to point out, there is nothing wrong with conforming (im not just sayin) or wanting to fit in if, it makes you feel better about yourself and happier. I feel like there is some negative connotation with wanting to be the same as others, feel like part of a group, feel connected, and as if you belong. these ar e normal feelings and there is nothing wrong with that!There is also nothing wrong with not conforming- if it makes you happy!Going back to your response, to say who cares? Im going to run into this problem again, and what my partner at the time thinks will be very important! My experience will obviously play a huge role in what i decide to to do!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): Well, you found out your friends are not your friends at all.
Don't pretend, don't lie, and don't tell until you are to the point that it matters in a relationship (that is when you have decide to have sex with someone and need to tell them to take it slow). Don't tell them early in the relationship, it's nobody's business until the relationship gets to the point of sex.
Don't act like you are someone you are not either.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): If you are fine with being a zombie or a sheep then go for it. Be like everyone else. Let them run your life instead of you.
But seriously, who cares what they think? You telling me that you are willing to change yourself just because you were laughed or poked at? Come on, you're better than that.
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male
reader, ivanichiaynus  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 As has already been said, never tell. You don't have to answer questions that personal; just keep an air of mystery about you!
Ivan.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 I think in either case it's always best to be honest. If you want someone to like you for who you are, lying is never the answer. Wouldn't you rather meet a man who respects that you are a virgin and doesn't act as badly as your ex (and his friends and your friend back then too, that was really childish)? Wouldn't you rather have a man you know you can trust, who respects that you are a virgin without making you feel bad about it, and who treats you nicely for who you are? Or would you start of a relationship with a man you don't know how he'd really react or think if you told him?
I think it's perfectly fine to not tell anyone the status of your sexual experience until you know them better. But do not lie. You can keep it a secret until you figure out if you think the person is nice and worth taking a step further with. Then see how they react. If they act poorly you leave. If they take it well you can continue seeing them and perhaps develop the relationship. All in its time.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 Yes, you should. Virginity is a terrible thing. A vile disease that turns nice guys into beasts and make them treat their gf like little kids.
OR could your bf always have been a pig and you were just lucky to find out early on?
Basically you are suggesting that by hiding who you are, you can date a pig and avoid him being nasty by pretending to be someone else.
Wouldn't it be easier to just not date this kind of guy?
And as for being in your position. EVERY single human being has been in your position. So stop being such a crybaby. Wise up, you dated a jerk. Unless you want to keep doing that forever you need to grow a back bone.
Because at the current rate you will just date another jerk who will call you a slut for not being a virgin. Jerks will be jerks. A smart woman would change the bf, not herself.
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female
reader, lacrymosa_652 +, writes (22 November 2010):
 Don't lie about being a virgin. Why? Because there's no need! Seriously, there's nothing wrong with being a virgin. These people who teased you need to get a life, and your ex-boyfriend acted like a total dick. Maybe he just felt sort of proud in a pig-headed way that he was with a girl who is "untouched."I'm not surprised you feel uncomfortable and slightly traumatised after the way these people have treated you, but please believe me, there's nothing wrong with you and you're not weird or anything. And I think you SHOULD wait for the "right guy", because you should lose your virginity for YOU and not for anybody else. What you do with your body and your personal life isn't anybody's business, so forget these losers from your recent past and just focus on the future. When you meet a guy who respects you and accepts you the way you are, be comfortable and happy with him, and don't let other people and their ignorant views hold you back.To finish off.. I don't usually add in personal stuff about myself when I respond to questions, but what the hell :) I'm 20 and have only been in one relationship before, when I was 19, which lasted for about 6 months. He was my first bf [obv] and I was his second gf. We were both virgins and I said I wanted to wait, and he respected that. We broke up for whatever reason (nothing to do with sex lol) so yeh, we were together for 6months and never had sex. Is that weird to some people? Probably. Do I care? Hell no. Everyone's different and everybody does different things at different stages or ages. I have a friend who had her first boyfriend at 16, and they first kissed after 5 months of being together. I would probably never wait that long haha but see, what I'm saying is, people are different. I have friends who are 20 and have never had a first kiss or been in a relationship.What I'm getting at is... don't feel like a freak or whatever because you haven't had sex. It's not vital to have lost your virginity by a certain age, and anyone who thinks that, or looks down on you for being a virgin, or pressures you into doing something you don't want to do, is immature and isn't worth your time. Brush comments from people like this off, hold your head high because you are your own person and you do things YOUR way, and be happy and confident with the person you are.Sorry for the l-o-n-g response, but I hope I've said something to make you feel better about yourself :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): Girl! Be Proud you're a virgin!!!! Too many girls and guys treat sex as something that u just do for fun with no meaning behind it...and to them, that's all it will ever be. You however, noticed that it is something more and bc of that, u are superior to them. Also, the truth is, more guys are likely to respect you for it and will b turned on by it (guys like the idea "to go where no guy has ever gone b4") lol. If i was still a virgin, I wouldn't try to hide it. In fact, i'd do the opposite. It makes u special, classy, and sets u apart from all those easy girls out there. If u do come across someone like your ex, use some reverse phycology and make them feel like the idiot for sleeping with ppl they never really cared about or loved. Good luck!
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 It's a great thing! You shouldn't feel down about this at all. Anyone who picks on you about it likely resents you because they wish they had waited.
You said it yourself, this ex was a pig. Not all guys are like him. The right guy will treasure your virginity and it's pretty rare to find one. Don't lose it to some jerk who is just using you or treats you like this ex did.
How the hell is teasing you about this supposed to make you want him? Screw jerks like that! Wait, that didn't come out right... Uh, don't screw jerks like that. Nah, how about, TO HELL with jerks like him! That'll work.
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reader, Mana12 +, writes (22 November 2010):
Hey I'm a guy and from my point of view be proud of being a virgin it pure wait and find a guy who is the same and your relation will be a good one. Do not lie to your bf it hurts and Buggs us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): How he treated you, was horrible. He sounds like a complete asshole and you did good by breaking up and never talking again. However, DO NOT lie. Because, it's wrong and I promise eventaully he would find out the truth because, if you had sex with this guy and it is your first time, it's going to hurt very badly because he has to break your hymen and it's going to be tight since you've never had sex. So, yes, he will know the truth and that could ruin your next relationship if you lie to the guy.
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