A
female
age
22-25,
*hoInTheTardis
writes:Hello, everyone! I am here to ask something and hear your opinions.I am a romanian girl which moved to Germany about 5 years ago. I am in school and to be honest, is going pretty well. But my problem has got nothing to do with my school.I turned 18 in april this year, I am technically an adult, right? For all these years I have lived here, me and my family, we have been helped by the country with an allowence that keeps us going until my parents manage to get a job (believe me, it's kinda complicated to be allowed to work here.) So, me myself have a kid allowence (not sure what that is called on english) and another allowence that should help me buy my books and so on. The thing is, my father is daily verbally abusing me, my mother starts yelling when I tell her that I have depression and need help. My family is simply broken and it is starting to drag me down too. I simply feel like suffocating here, plus, I am not allowed to leave the house without telling them, I am 18 and I have missed on a lot of things in my life which drove me to this depression.. I don't have a free will, and I am tired of crying. Every little thing makes me cry. What should I do? Should I move out? Because, even though I get all this money from the country, my parents give me nothing..I never ask for the money because I am afraid. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2017): You are 18 you can move out and find your own Apartment. The German goverment will help you provide what you need as long you are still student. Thats German law. Just go to City hall near by. Its called ausländeramt..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2017): The allowance you speak of sounds like financial-assistance through social services; and you're receiving a student's stipend or school grant as long as you're attending school and maintaining your grades.
Does your school provide on-campus dormitories, or housing for students?
You might want to check with your school counselor or advisor to see if you're eligible.
One quick note. Many foreign-exchange students or foreign immigrants receive government-funding for their education from their home-countries. It seems your father may not be adjusting to the move from Romania to Germany. If he's having difficulty getting work; he's probably undergoing a lot of stress being unable to support his family without help. Your whole family is displaced; and there may be some culture-shock. Younger people adjust more quickly. It takes longer for adults to readjust to new cultures and languages.
Your father may also be enduring some prejudices that foreigners often encounter from neighbors or locals. Parents shelter their children from these things. Lately, there is a lot of xenophobia towards new immigrants; because the citizens of the host-countries feel new people are a burden on their taxes, and a strain on their economy. You're too young and naive to notice such issues. All you see is your father's anger and frustration; but you do not know the reasoning behind it.
Your parents are adjusting to new laws, budgeting issues, a displaced family, language-barriers, and red-tape from immigration authorities that you may have little or no knowledge of. Mainly because parents don't usually share such information with their children. They don't want you to feel any pressures or to worry; so you can focus on your studies, be a kid, and feel safe.
I don't know this to be true; but I will err on the side of caution. You're in a new country, and there are a lot of adjustments to be made for everyone. I can see where your father would be over-protective and come across as mean and controlling. He's trying to keep his family together. It's his job to protect all of you. Your resistance makes it harder for him on top of everything else. So he may be unkind and even cruel; because he feels things spiraling out of his control. I'm not making excuses for his cruelty, but I know without a doubt there's more going on than you know, or you are telling us.
We have to be very careful on this site when advising people of foreign nations or cultures. Especially females. We receive one-sided stories from teenagers depicting their parents as cruel and abusive. We have to respond and advise with little real fact or details to go on.
All we have is a story that may only be a parent trying to deal with an unruly or rebellious teenager. We don't get to hear your parents' side of this. So telling you to move out of your house; when you may be there on visa or sponsorship; without necessary documentation from immigration, could cutoff your funds or get you deported. We don't know the eligibility-requirements you must maintain to keep your funding for school; nor if it will effect the total benefits your family receives, if you are removed from their household.
I doubt you receive enough money to live separate from your family; and it is unlikely your father is going to allow you to fend for yourself in a new country where all you have is your family. I don't think your mother would be up for it either.
If you feel you are being abused; you can speak to the campus psychologist, who may find a way that you and your family can get special family-counseling. Moving-out may not be an option yet.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 October 2017):
 If you are in school have you thought about talking to a counselor there?
As for moving out, that can be difficult even on the "allowance" you get from the Government (or rather your parents get to take care of you). The money that your parents receive for YOU is to be used to take care OF you. Now maybe the school/counselor can help you find a room and board (or roommate situation ) and you can be in charge of the money from the Government yourself.
As hard as it is right now, maybe finishing school and getting a job yourself so you can become financially independent of your parents and move out?
Not sure how it works in Germany.
In Denmark, you can get a monthly allowance (called SU) while being in college/uni - you are allowed 6 YEARS of this. If your studies take longer, you have to take out a student loan. However, the amount you get depends on where you live. If you live at home the amount is smaller than if you live away from home. This is why it's pretty common in Denmark for young adults (18+) to no longer live at home. They ARE also allowed to work after school/Uni classes but the hours are limited. The SU is basically to HELP students NOT having to work while finishing their studies.
If the system in Germany is anything like this, TALK to your guidance counselor and see what kind of advice and help there is.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (6 October 2017):
 I think that taking a flat with another girl would be perfect for you. Your allowances for college should go into your bank account not your parents. I don't understand how that has been allowed to happen.
As you say you are an adult now and sooner or later it is time to leave the nest, whether your parents want you to or not.
They have to understand that. Hopefully you can keep the fallout to a minimum.
Good luck for your future. It is your future to make.
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