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female
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*chaf
writes:I'm widowed but seeing someone. OK he has 2 children 10 and 12 I have 1-19 we have been seeing each other for 4 month. I need to move so I decided to move in with him. I'm unemployed. He owns his house. But lately he's getting stand off ish.but great Valentine's. But sex is semi. I have to move. It's hard for us to get to the point of decisions. Help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 February 2015):
 after 4 months and he's standoffish
find a different place to live. do mot move in with him.
decision made.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2015): I think he is being standoffish because he feels it is too soon to move in together and also he may not like your approach about it. It seems a little pushy. I had a situation last summer where I too needed to move. My boyfriend and I had been talking about moving in together for a while. And we took the plunge and became roommates. But here is where it was different. My boyfriend and I had known each other for two years, not just 4 months. We had been talking about moving in together for like a year, not out of urgency but because we wanted to. I work and am self sufficient as is he. There was no pressure on either end. No one was cornered or guilted into taking the other in. You are putting way too much pressure on this man. You "need" to move. You just met him 4 months ago. You don't work. What are you bringing to the table? Do you have money? Why don't you get your life in order, get a job, build up a savings, wait till the urgency is gone and then ask him again, not because you "need" to but because you WANT to move in with him.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 February 2015):
 It's way too early to move in and blend families after only 4 months.
Best to find another place to live as soon as possible. Just because you have to move doesn't mean you have to move in with him. Crash with friends for a week at a time until you find your own housing if you are in this sort of crisis mode.
Best wishes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2015): Yes, as WiseOwlE indicates, a LOT depends on whether he has actually asked you to move in with him. You also don't give us enough info. about your own financial status for us to get an idea of whether you are moving in with him primarily for financial reasons.Four months is definitely way too soon in MOST cases. However, at our older age some people - not all - are mature enough to know when an arrangement is going to work out and just want to get on with it. Whether this applies to both of you is difficult to say.For myself, I NEVER want to be financially dependent on a man. I only once became this way, after I moved in with my very long term partner (after 12 years of being together) and rented out my own flat to tenants whilst living in his flat. I didn't do it for financial reasons, we both agreed that after 12 years it was time to see if we could actually live together. After six months I had become extremely ill with the stress of living with him. He had ADHD and was a violent binge drinker - so the burden of an absolutely chaotic household and coping with his mood swings took its toll. I was working part time and studying for a PhD too. However, the more ill I became, the less able I was to work and study and I finally did become financially dependent on him for about another 6 months. He kept imploring me to sell my flat, but something in me said "NO WAY" and so, even though I was extremely ill to the point of not being able to work, and flat broke and heartbroken, I moved back to my own place. It took another two years for me to become fully well and financially stable again, but I am SO glad that I made this move.However, that's just me. Some women actually see the work of looking after a home and children as slave labour - and I think there is a VERY fair argument that women are just expected to shoulder the burden of this and do it for free, regardless of whether they work or not. I honestly think that, if this work is done properly and taken seriously, then it really does constitute a "fair deal" in return for a man providing a home. The complication is that not all women actually do a good or fair job of housekeeping and not all men are enlightened enough to actually see it as work at all. But if your guy does think that this could be a fair deal then I don't see any reason why you can't offer that in return for a home. It's not as if you are asking to OWN half of his home, just to stay there. And it's not as if you are bringing four kids under 16 with you, actually another young and presumably responsible adult.But this is a fine line to tread. Only you and he can weigh up whether it's worth it. And perhaps the "semi" sex is one reason why he is being stand-offish. Does this need spiced up a bit more in order for both of you to be more certain?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2015): You've decided to move in? Did he have any say about it?
I would read his standoffish attitude as his reaction to being pressured to take you in. It's really too soon; and he has kids. He may feel you're taking advantage of him; because you don't have your act together, and have no place to go.
You shouldn't move-in with a boyfriend out of "necessity." It would appear you're taking advantage of the opportunity; not attempting to establish a closer relationship. You even mentioned one other red-flag, the lack of sex. That may become a problem within your relationship.
You should delay moving-in with him until you've found employment, your financial situation is more stable, and your intimacy issues are resolved. You also need to give the relationship more time to establish itself.
You would actually move-in without a job; placing the financial-responsibility on him to support you, your 19 year-old, his own two kids, and himself? What's your backup plan if things don't workout? Do you have a widow's pension, social security benefit, or an insurance settlement from your late husband? Is your son receiving survivor benefits? Are you broke and destitute?
Find a willing relative with plenty of room to help you out; or seek help through social services, if you must.
Don't place the burden on any man to support you. That's exactly what you're doing.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 February 2015):
 U woud not do it. 4 months is very early to move in with anybody even if you both were head over heels and getting along famously. But he is also being standoffish, and that means either he has got second thoughts about moving in with you after saying yes too impulsively . Or, he is cooling off and having doubts about your relationship and where he sees it going IN GENERAL. Or else, maybe, nothing of the above and he is just having some off days because of personal concerns of his, difficult times he is going through... but even just that would suggets me to stay put and iron out all the kinks which need to be ironed out BEFORE moving in. Plus, you are currently unemployed, you would be totally dependent on him, and if for some reason living together doe not work out to both's sarisfaction, but you are stuck there because of finnaces, things could get very messy.
This is a very new relationship, you don't really know yet. The problems you are having may be just the normal adjustment phase of something which will grow stronger in time- or for all you know it could be that sizzlimg is over and now fizzling has begun already. Time will tell but in the meantime it is smarter and wiser if you make other living arrangements.
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female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (17 February 2015):
 It is a VERY bad idea. People who move in together so soon usually break up quite quickly because of the pressures of being 24/7 so early on. Also, you'd be dependent on him and, quite frankly, that's not wise.
I strongly advise moving in with family or friends, *not* someone you're "seeing", until you can't afford to rent a flat/house.
I can't stress how much of a bad idea I think this is :/
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