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Should I move away and start a new life close to my daughter?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Family, Health, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 July 2018) 5 Answers - (Newest, 10 July 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I split up with a long term ex (17 years) because he treated me so badly that it ruined my self esteem and this impacted on my career and relationship with my daughter. I realise now I put up with his behaviour because I grew up in a dysfunctional family, where my other family members would basically use and exploit me without ever reciprocating care. I stayed with him because, when he wasn't being abusive and utterly selfish, we really got on - we share exactly the same sense of humour and I felt accepted by him in a way I never have with anyone else. We had some great times, but ultimately it was the kind of early 'student' relationship that should have lasted six months but which I now see I clung onto, trying to resolve older issues by trying to make it work with him.

Now we are much older he was given a very responsible job (honestly this was by 'default' and because people really like him, rather than him having any propensity or skills for it). The job is in a very dysfunctional college where his lack of capacity for the role will very likely go unnoticed. I know he has really, really struggled with stress and exhaustion because of this role - which is his first ever 'responsible' role at all. This means he has had no choice but to curb his bad behaviour - his binge drinking and staying out all night etc.

We have maintained a friendship - at my request - since the split - this has never gone back to being a sexual relationship because we both know that would just confuse things much more. However, the friendship does sometimes take on a 'pseudo-relationship' quality and I often pull away because of the confusion this causes. Recently, he has been going 'all out' trying to make it clear he wants a relationship again. He basically can't look after himself at all - he has ADHD and dyspraxia and is basically completely disorganised and quite filthy as a person (another reason we split up) - and I feel he just wants someone to look after him. I, on the other hand, freely admit I am something of a high achieving but inwardly terrified woman - very frightened of getting hurt by men, so have not moved on.

Anyway, he has been taking me out for meals and doing his best to really help with things like looking after me after I came out of hospital and so on.

But there are other things that he does where I think "you haven't changed and you never will change". These are little things, but they are the kind of things that used to drive me nuts when we were together, because they are the 'tip of the iceberg' and create work and stress and confusion for me. For example, even though he has known for years that I don't allow shoes on in my flat, every single time he comes over he tries to get away with keeping his shoes on. He never ever shuts doors or puts lids on things and has left my freezer door open on more than one occasion - when I call him out on this he says "Oh, I was going to shut it" _ I mean, who actually leaves a freezer door open whilst they go to the bathroom ? Another thing he has always done is that he can't seem to really give anything without thinking about himself or the implications for himself. Every time he gave me anything he would always take it back - for example, he once bought me an oversized T shirt saying it was to wear in bed and then, days later, I noticed he had started wearing it (it was a unisex T shirt) in his ordinary daywear. Or he has given me things then asked if he can borrow them and I never get them back. Because of his Dyspraxia he had ruined countless things of mine - when I got a new bathroom fitted he asked me if he could take a bath (he'd been helping me to clear stuff out of the flat) and then broke my new tap by twisting it - forcing it - the wrong way. And he ruined a very precious possession of mine that I'd had since a teenager and had temporarily asked him to store for me whilst I moved home - it was ruined and I was heartbroken as I have so few things from that time.

Last week, we went out for dinner and I had been having an extremely stressful day at work, resulting in a very sore head and an upset stomach. I hadn't slept well. I waited in the restaurant (he was a bit late) and, when he came, I felt so unwell that I asked him if he could pop to the shop a couple of doors away to get me some headache tablets. Now, even asking him to do this makes me tense because, usually, if I ask him to do anything, he will either come back with the wrong thing, or get it wrong, or something weird will happen - due to him having dyspraxia. Anyway, he came back with the correct tablets - a packet, with two strips of tablets inside.

It was only later on the next day when I thought "that's him all over" - because, instead of just handing me the packet, he took out one strip of the tablets and said "I'll keep the rest". Even though there was absolutely nothing wrong with him at all.

Who does that? When a packet of headache tablets costs about 30p in the shop and he has no illness at all but I'm sitting there feeling really unwell?

The other thing is, I've had to fight tooth and nail to get him to realise he has these conditions. It has basically taken 23 years of knowing him inside out to persuade him to get a screening which confirmed what I had understood by doing research. Now, he will get sympathy at work for having the conditions because everyone thinks he is a nice guy, and it will make it easier for him to do his job and keep his fat salary.

Meanwhile, my career is in tatters due to the long term effects of our years of arguing.

I don't know what to do because I know I am 'addicted' to him because I have no other family and few friends. I am beginning to think that I just don't fit in here in London, where I moved to to be with him - I've felt increasingly exploited since I've been here and I think because he grew up here he sees it as normal to take even whilst he is supposed to be giving.

My daughter and I get on well, but I know he came close to destroying the bond I had with her and that's partly why she moved away. I am seriously considering leaving this city and moving to be with her, just to put distance between me and him, because I know he will worm his way back into my life, over and again, if I don't put a stop to it. He knows all my weaknesses and fears and I think he has exploited them all along. What hurts, though, is that I also know that a lot of men treat women badly in their younger years and then move on to treat another woman really beautifully. I think he actually wants to do this with me - but to keep me as the woman he is nice to - and I do get taken in by this possibility because I'm 50 now, and don't have much hope of finding someone new - but then I think I must be mad to even contemplate this after the way he treated me before and because of these things that crop up now. He has freely admitted he seems to get all the luck in the world just because he is a 'people person' but that he was horrible to me behind the scenes, whereas I honestly seem to have nothing but bad luck, because I work 20 times harder than him but get very little rewards, because I am kind and sociable but I don't know how to 'exploit' in the way that people seem to in London, just as a matter of routine.

Should I move away and start a new life close to my daughter? I know she would be happy if I did and I think this might be the right thing to do.

View related questions: at work, heartbroken, move on, self esteem, split up

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (10 July 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntOp I think you should go and move to where your daughter is. From the sound of things a fresh start is just what you need. This friendship you have with your ex is simply not healthy and it will prevent you from moving on and finding someone else.

Age really is just a number. I think you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. There are plenty of people in there 50s and 60s who go on to find love. Don't give up hope. It really does sound like you need a fresh start and what better place to go than with your daughter. Make a new life for yourself meet new people and take up new hobbies. It will be good for you. Also as you said you received a lot of male attention while you where there, now all you need to do is believe in yourself and have confidence.

I think it would help if you spoke to a therapist as well. It will help you resolve the issues you have with not being able to let go and allowing yourself to stay in a unhappy relationship for so long. That will have lasting damage.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2018):

Thank you so much all of you, for your responses, I really appreciate them.

Honeypie you are a real 'trouper' always giving out consistent, caring advice to people who come to this site. I really admire your care for people and the quality of advice you give.

Sometimes I think it does help to have the advice of a person who has specifically been in a very similar situation though. So, whilst I am honestly so grateful for all of the advice given, including from the anonymous male, I do think that I learned a lot from the advice of the anonymous female who has been in a similar situation. Somehow, reading your response really 'drove home' to me how narrow minded I have been about centring my life around this one 'man'; the thing that made a huge difference to me was when you referred to your experiences with your current partner - it is a huge shame that women over 50 are generally 'invisible' and it is all too easy for women to think that they have 'wasted' their prime years if a long term relationship didn't work out in a happy ending. Your post taught me that you have to make your own happy endings, whatever age you are. The problem is that women of our age have so few role models to follow - apart from Hollywood actresses that look half their age, and are hardly realistic as role models - so, it was really refreshing to hear of your experiences.

I felt like such a hypocrite because my job is as a lecturer and part of what I teach is to do with inclusivity and acceptance of 'otherness' - and yet, here I am, so frightened by doing anything other than what I am used to, in case my already fragile sense of self disappears. Ultimately, I realise I am so very lucky to have even a little bit of love from my daughter, and the opportunity to move to an exciting place to be with her. I went there recently and, to my surprise, I found I received a lot of male attention, even when I was not looking for it at all - people often say that men in London are too stressed and obsessed with work to pay much attention to women and, if they do, they go for extreme, hyper sexualised versions of women because they are, literally, easier to "access" in the short amount of time they have off work. Where my daughter lives, everyone is so friendly that it currently feels a bit weird, but I think I could adapt very quickly.

What older women need are role models and hope. It's as if we are considered 'void' after a certain age. I think it is to do with the way that, historically speaking, it is always men who have accumulated the wealth and who can 'buy' choices later in life - capitalism has yet to recognise that older women have their own money and want markets to reflect this.

Your posts really helped me to realise that the way that older women are presented (or not represented) in society has a huge bearing on their self esteem. We have so much to offer and have a right to set standards for ourselves.

Thanks again.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2018):

Again, you know the answer. He isn't all there is. And you know? Men like this treat the next woman beautifully, just to piss the previous one off. They don't suddenly start to treat women nicely. They're still treating the previous one horribly.

Lots of men do anything that is asked of them badly, so that they won't be asked again. And I hate to break it to you, but I think that a lot of his behaviour is on purpose abusive behaviour and nothing to do with his dyspraxia.

I have also unfortunately been made ill by the stress caused by this kind of behaviour in relationships. Please read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft and this may explain rather a lot to you.

Good luck and I hope you move far away from him. Again, he most certainly isn't all there is. I'm pushing 60 and have met a sexy, funny, gorgeous man, who doesn't do all the shit that my previous partner did. Just like yours, he was great and we had loads in common etc etc but there was no getting past the fact that all he really cared about was himself. Just like the man in your like now.

Get away and get happy again. Keep your health.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (4 July 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI think you should move closer to your daughter and away from this guy.

THERE is no point in holding onto him or the past.

I would also URGE you to see a therapist (once you move) and work on yourself. If you stay 17 years in this crappy relationship you have a lot of "baggage" to unload and hopefully get to a place where you can have a HEALTHY relationship.

He isn't going to change.

You two will fall right back in the old routines.

Life is too short to KEEP banging your head against a brick wall.

I would also advice that you cut all contact with him after you move. You don't NEED him and you don't OWE him contact.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2018):

If you already know this is the right thing to do just do it.

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