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Should I make this gigantic life change for the woman I love?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Pregnancy, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 March 2010) 9 Answers - (Newest, 1 April 2010)
A age 41-50, anonymous writes:

So I impregnated a woman with 4 kids who is in a verbally and physically abusive marriage.

I did not know most of the facts at the time and it was sort of a woops moment, but yea. We always went to my place, etc.. Plus she wanted it. Kept asking, and allergic to latex, so one time doing the pull out method, I didn't pull out...

Anyway, so now I am receiving threats from this guy she with, its like he trying to scare me like he terrifies her daily.. but I don't play along. And he hates me so much for it, amongst other things... I feel no remorse for him.. I can never forgive him for what he has done to her, so I don't feel bad about anything I have done like i would if I got with the wife of a loving, decent man.

She is drifting away though.. I feel like this guy is brainwashing her. She needs to get out of her situation but feels she has nowhere to go with herself and her kids. Whether true or not I don't know, I mean, she does make excuses for this man. It took me forever to learn all the atrocities he has committed upon her because she's always making excuses for him.

But going in she knew I wasn't some Lawyer with a house.. I'm of limited means, and she said she didn't care about that. But I know she needs out, and I love her so much, she is such a shining soul she doesn't deserve to be treated like that..or have the life she has...

So, I came upon a solution.. I can marry her (after she divorce him) and join the military, I am pretty smart so maybe I can be an officer. Military provides housing for people with families, depending on the base. They also have financial programs per child. It could work.

But.. Its such a huge life change for me. I want to do her right, and I want to be with her and my baby. But 4 other kids.. And they might hate me. I fear they will hate me. Its a complete 180 from what I am. I'm a happy go lucky guy. Free, and artistic. To do this, I need to conform all that I am for her. I need to give my entire life and sacrifice all my ambitions. I'm scared.. but .. my sense of honor and duty is in there somewhere saying this is the right thing for me to do to get her away from that monster and show her how a real man treats a woman.

What would some of you do in my shoes?

View related questions: ambition, divorce, military

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Not My Name, yeah there is sheepskin condoms and all that. So its true I was very reckless in this situation. My problem is we started doin it at first because all I had was latex and while we were in the moment i didn't want to break momentum to go to the store, and then I got used to the sensation of not usin anything..and.. yeah. As I stated before, she has expressed her interest that she wants to leave this guy, and be with me.

Angzw, thanks for the bit about kids. Its good to hear from the perspective of a mother. And it makes me feel a bit better about how I would relate to her 4 kids.. As for child support, I highly doubt it. This guy is a real piece of work. As to whether its mine.. I'm almost positive it is, but my family (protective as they are) will demand a test be done, and she said she wants to do it and fully expects my family to want it done. Her willingness to have the dna test done, plus other more intangible factors tells me this baby is mine.

Rain Or Fire, thank you also. You illustrate completely what I was talking about to Tisha. This is no scam. Most guys are like you and any little thing will scare them away like a cracked out antelope in a thunderstorm. She would have shielded me from all the drama until we were at least married or something if she was trying to trick me. Also, I don't want to be the kind of man you are. I have nothing against you, and.. I have many friends like you, but I just choose a different path and way of thinking. As to her cheating on me and all this. Cross that bridge when I come to it. But, I can take it.. I would rather get a broken heart doing the right thing, than break her heart doing the wrong thing. As to me getting my jollies from knockin up a wife, you couldn't be more wrong. I wish to God this same person was having a baby with me, and had no other kids, and no abusive husband. But that pesky thing called life, has other ideas.

EyesWide, I covered that in my follow up to Ang, thanks.

Lonely- I don't believe you understand fully, Let me put it in perspective for you. This man hit her in the stomach while she was pregnant when she was younger. Led to a miscarriage. He blamed her for being raped when she was 16, and made her think its her fault. He beats her. He mentally invades the very core of her self and self worth. He nearly lost her her kids, she begged him to stop selling drugs out her house, around her kids, but he didn't listen. Cops eventually got him, and she nearly lost her children. That's only to name a few things. Oh, and he cheats on her regularly. Let him deal with her?! That concept flies against every fiber of my being. She doesn't want an easy life, I don't represent that whatsoever. She would have gone for a lawyer or doctor for that. She wants a safe life, with a loving man. Is that really too much to ask? She deserves more than she gets in this life. How you could take up the cause for this guy is beyond my comprehension. He is scum. Her cheating on him is a drop of water to the ocean of wrong he has done her.

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A male reader, TimmD United States +, writes (1 April 2010):

TimmD agony auntIt's clear you're not just blindly in love here and you're doing whatever you can to protect her. I applaud you for that. If it really is true that he is going to jail, that changes things slightly. This gives you the chance to be with her without him getting in the way. IF you are able to get her for a extended period of time without her husband manipulating her further then there is a chance things could work out for you. Some words of caution:

1. Protect yourself. I don't blame you for wanting to do anything you can to help her, but don't end up sacrificing yourself in the process. I know the whole "knight in shining armor" thing IS about sacrificing yourself, but there are limits.

2. Prepare. Be prepared for how manipulative he is. He's been with her a lot longer so he is a lot deeper rooted in her mind. Plus she has more kids with him. Even though you are better for her in every single possible way, fear is a powerful ally to her husband. You are looking at things very logically, but fear can override logic. PREPARE yourself for this.

If things are really that bad for her, then I hope things work out for you.... for both of your sakes. In my opinion, I say go for it. All I will keep repeating is to be careful. While she clearly has a bad relationship, the fact that she's with this guy in the first place AND that she lured you in and got pregnant are 2 major red flags. In her mind you might be the only way she can actually hurt this guy back.... and as the saying goes "You only hurt the ones you love."

Good luck.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (1 April 2010):

eyeswideopen agony auntYour follow up didn't say anything about how you know for sure the baby is yours. So how do you know?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Tisha, great post.. She says she wants out of her situation.. and says she wants me. She says she loves me more than she has loved any man, and that the only other thing that makes her happy in her life besides me is her kids. True, these are words, actions don't exactly mesh. Like for instance, she still with this guy. She tells me she feels like she has nowhere to go, but if she did, she would go. She definitely lured me. I know this, but I am not angry about it. In the end I was the one that acquiesced to her request. It wasn't like she forced me. Her heart and spirit is good. She lured me because she is abused and miserable, and saw a chance at greater happiness with me. Which is true. I am everything this man she is with is not. I never hit, I listen, I have a good heart and am courageous. He...is compensating for being a stinking coward by beating up on someone of half his strength and no instinct to fight back. Thing is though, he's going to jail in a month for over two years on a drug charge. I highly doubt this is a a scam. There has just been way too much drama. Several near breakups because she thinks i "deserve better than her", death threats from this guy.. and more. Any other man I know would have run for the hills at full speed. Not a very effective way to land a fish. lol

TimmD, thanks. Yeah I see this guy as very overbearing, to her, and manipulative overall. He has tried to turn me against her several times with outright lies about her character and telling me she said stuff she really didn't.. tried to turn her against me with more of the same.. and so on. So it would be tricky to get her away from this guy, he's got a sort of cruel cunning that has been difficult opposition to say the least. But, he's going to jail in a month.

Lonely..haha. Touche. Yeah I can be pretty dumb when it comes to matters of the heart. I've always been that way. As for my description of myself bein poppycock.. maybe so, but nevertheless its who I am. I do physical labor for a paycheck, and live modestly and do martial arts and music. How do I know she won't latch onto someone else? Well.. I don't. But I know this: I will not mistreat her, I will be loving as I can be. And, she will have 5 kids, including mine. There are not many men that will become entangled in that. Lastly I figure, if I do the right thing and am wrong, its better than if I do the wrong thing, and am right.

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A male reader, RAINORFIRE United States +, writes (31 March 2010):

RAINORFIRE agony auntDONT DO IT. you have know idea what your getting your self into. If this woman s even telling the truth or not you dont know, the kid may not even be yours, she has four other little snot nosed bratts that grew up with an abusive father allegedly they will all be emotional train wrecks.

Join the army blah blah blah hahaha, the army will chew you up and spit you out into some God forsaken warzone, then while your of playing soldier your girl will be back on the base spending your money and sleeping with every GI she can find.

You can find a nice young woman that hasnt been ravaged but giving birth to four kids, she made her decision to get with a jerk dont be the typical nice guy to come to the rescue.

The economy is shot to sht theres no jobs unless u have a phd the dollar will soon become worthless we will be on the barter sytem, is this the world you want to be raising some oafs kids in. lets face it you like the fact that your doing some guys wife it gets your jollies up but at heart your a nice guy so her abuse stories get to you,

like they say in Brooklyn Fahgetaboutit, Move on pray this child isnt yours you will ruin your life shakin up with this woman, if the kid is yours hope she isnt smart enough to sue for child support.

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A female reader, Angzw Zimbabwe +, writes (31 March 2010):

Well done for trying your best to be responsible for the bad situation you got yourself in. Nobody is perfect I suppose.. But if you are willing to try fix your imperfections then more power to you. Firstly, are you certain that this child is yours? Could it not be the husband's? Secondly, does the husband know that she might be carrying your baby? My first thought after reading this was a termination then you walk away with your life or wait until she can leave him properly. As a mother of 3 kids engaged to another man, handling the kids is pretty easy emotionally, if the mother controls them. If you are willing to put up with lots of noise and fights and crying etc that kids do then you would be fine. What you would need to consider is the expense of accomodation, meals, clothing etc. Hopefully the father would pay child support. As for joining the army, that would be a possible solution but if you get deployed then you would be away risking your life. I wish you well with your decision, but just first establish if this is your child before you go marching off to Afghanistan to defend her honor.

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A female reader, Not My Name Australia +, writes (31 March 2010):

Not My Name agony auntThere are options besides latex condoms ya know????

If she is unaware of and/or did not use them, .. can you be absolutely certain this preganancy is even fathered by yourself?

In any case, .. until she chooses to leave her marriage, she is still in it. So don't go there. You are not responsible for rescuing her, ... she has to make the choice to save herself first or you will never knw if you are truly 'home' to her as opposed to just the land on the other side of a bridge.

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A male reader, TimmD United States +, writes (31 March 2010):

TimmD agony auntWell, I think it is admirable you are willing to do so much for this woman. However, I think BEFORE you do anything you need to be 100% SURE she is willing to do the same for you. I've seen it over and over... a woman in that type of relationship doesn't leave very easily. They want to, but their husband is so overbearing and controlling and in the end they rarely end up leaving.

Be very careful how you proceed.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (31 March 2010):

Tisha-1 agony auntFirst, I would recognize that she is married and while your gesture sounds like a chivalrous and romantic thing to do, it's not clear to me that she really wants to be with you.

She sounds like she's a bit of a mess, I know her husband sounds awful too, but she's not there because she's a mentally healthy, balanced and stable woman. She's got issues, to say the least. I think you are romanticizing things and want to be her knight in shining armor. Before you rescue yon fair maid (and all 4 kids) you have to make sure she WANTS to be rescued. You cannot extract her from her marriage if she doesn't wish it.

I guess you could ask if she wants to come with you. Don't join the military unless you are 100% certain you want to make a career out of it. Chances are that you'll wind up getting deployed, and then she'll be home by herself in new place with all those kids and a feeling of being uprooted and she'll resent you being gone. How do you know she won't go find some other guy to hold her hand and be the new knight in shining armor?

Tread very very carefully here, and take off the armored helmet, because I fear you are not looking at this thing clearly. I hate to say this too, but I would make damn sure that I was the father of that baby before agreeing to any child support. Things sound a little strange the way you put them. Sounds like she kind of lured you in.

Be careful, I hope things work out for you.

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