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Should I let my crush know that I am now single?

Tagged as: Age differences, Crushes<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 March 2018) 19 Answers - (Newest, 8 April 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have a crush on an older man from out of state. He is 39 and I am 28. At one point he showed interest in me but he backed off after realizing I had a boyfriend (we met through a facebook group a year and a half ago). I didn't do much to encourage his interest out of respect for my ex. I recently broke up with said ex- due to issues unrelated to my crush (the break up needed to happen). My crush doesn't know I broke up with my ex yet as I have been relatively discrete to ensure an amicable split. In the recent past, when trying to talk to my crush, he has usually responded and always does respectfully, but he tends to keep it short and it's usually something with quotes (our correspondence is usually philosophical in nature).

I'm not sure if he is showing off, trying to nip conversation before it starts or doesn't realize I am looking for deeper discussions. He does always like my selfies, photos and philosophical/motivational posts, so its not like he's not looking.

I'm not sure if he is involved with anyone else but I don't think he is because there is no mention of it on any of his social media. I would like to initiate a conversation and drop a hint that I'm now available and would like to eventually meet him, but I don't want to come across as "too strong", crazy or desperate.

How should I approach the situation?

View related questions: broke up, crush, facebook, my ex, older man

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2018):

You are very welcome.

Most of my responses were based on your previous and subsequent comments; and those of other responses. I do apologize if you were offended; but sometimes it takes time for details of a response to become clear.

I've gotten IM's from OP's a year after a response; who tell me they didn't see it at the time, but now they do. Now they are listed as friends and comeback for additional advice. Nobody knows everything and no one has all the answers.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I never said I already knew everything. You are correct that this is public forum, however, it applies double. You can say what you want, but I can stand up for myself. And you may call it as you see it, but it appears to me that you are reading between the lines and envisioning something entirely outside of the questions I ask. I only am interested in answers that specifically address my direct questions, not advice that addresses your imagined issues that I have, especially with the tone you come across as taking.

Thanks again for the advice.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2018):

Sorry, if you took offense to "sweetheart." That's not condescension, it's a term of endearment. Take it anyway you like. That's your prerogative.

OP. as you prefer, I call it as I see it. You asked for advice in an open forum and everyone offers their advice according to their own style and in their own opinion. I stand behind every word, and if you already knew what you needed to know, you wouldn't have come here.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

The last response from "anonymous" was from me, but I think cookies weren't enabled or something because I kept getting logged out.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2018):

Please do not call me "Sweet Heart", call me OP. You come across as condescending and its otherwise not appreciated. So is your pain killer comment. Wondering why someone spends almost 2 weeks bombarding you with attention and then being confused as to why he suddenly stopped is hardly "going nuts", especially when he would text me at 5am and go all day. I also know myself well enough to say I am emotionally moved on from my ex, but I digress.

You may be right that I misinterpreted his intentions or that he is seeing someone else and wants to keep me on the hook just because. I told him I enjoyed talking with after starting up a conversation a couple of days ago. I'm not reaching out to him anymore.

As for my followups being lengthy, I'm a longwinded person in general, even in real life. Its a flaw, I know, but I did think follow ups were encouraged. Must be another thing I misunderstood.

Thanks for your advice.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2018):

I think this guy only sees you as a FB friend. Just because he flirts in some of the messages; you're assuming he is pursuing a romance. I also think this whole thing is a gross misinterpretation on your part. When he notices that you're trying too hard to make a romance out of it, he starts to slack-off.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2018):

Receiving intermittent bursts of communication is sometimes an indication the guy may already be in a relationship. He wants to maintain contact; but he has to send you messages when he gets the free-time.

From the flurry of lengthy follow-up posts, I'm beginning to pickup some desperation over this guy. As I suspected, you haven't gotten over your breakup; and you are desperately looking for a "pain-killer." You go nuts when he doesn't answer you. That in itself is unhealthy behavior; because you're expecting too much too soon.

You're too emotionally-wounded and vulnerable for a long-distance romance right-now.

You're showing signs of stress; and I think you need to back-off this LDR to give yourself time to compose your feelings. Let this rest on his shoulders for awhile. So far, you're going at this like you're on a mission, and he's taking it all casually. He sends you just enough to keep you hanging-on.

My summation is this. Sweetheart, you're not ready for another relationship quite yet. You need some downtime for healing and to pull yourself together. You've barely gotten over your breakup.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Update: He reached out to me on his own a few weeks later and FB messaged me almost everyday for a week and a half. Our connection seemed incredible. Lots of flirting, some philosophical discussions, feel good youtube videos. Then he stopped. I sent him something and he liked it but didn't respond or send anything back. The next day he sent me something cute first thing in the morning, so I followed his lead from the day before and liked it, but waited for him to take it further and he didn't. He didn't message me at all yesterday either and hasn't yet today.

I don't expect everyday texts, but I do think its weird that he suddenly bombarded me with attention and now he's suddenly not talking. I'm not sure if he's honestly just busy or throwing bread crumbs or completely disinterested. I'm currently waiting it out and letting him take the lead, but I don't want to give wrong idea of not being interested myself or adversely, being clingy and needy.

I feel like I'm in limbo. I was going to work the "I'm single" thing into a conversation the other day (didn't want to do it too soon) but we didn't chat.

Not sure where to go from here.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 March 2018):

Honeypie agony auntGood luck and again thanks for the updates :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I agree that he came across as patronizing which was weird to me. He never did come across that way in our few conversations from before and I wasn't sure if he was trying to show off thinking I would swoon over his manly greatness (like, "oh my gosh he's respecting my path- he's such a studly Stoic!) or if he just didn't want to talk to me. He even has a blog about applying philosophy to everyday life, you'd think he'd be down for a chat about it.

I appreciate your help and I will take my crush with a grain of salt for now and will tread carefully when I scope him out some more later.

Thank you!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 March 2018):

Honeypie agony auntEnjoy life and single life. If you are looking for guys (in general) older than you... I don't think you will have a hard time (when you are ready) to find someone.

If the break up is fairly new, I'd definitely hold off on announcing it. But it can be done in subtler ways.

One thing I noticed about the philosophy discussion you mentioned it was a little patronizing (IMHO) with him saying "It wouldn't be fair to influence your path with what fixed mine." Wouldn't most people be HAPPY to shared a good thing that came into their lives in form of philosophy or lifestyle? I know I bang on about yoga and exercise for anxiety, because I feel it's helped me. Know what I mean? Or maybe he just didn't want to sound like he actually didn't know much about philosophy and thus gave a vague answer. Again, hard to tell.

Take some time being single, pursue things you enjoy and in a few months you can drop a few hints but I wouldn't go full on the "hunt" for his attention. Liking a few pictures and posts here and there... is all well and good but not really a basis for having things in common or being a match.

And I agree waiting a year or so to decide if someone could be a good enough catch (so to speak) to take a LDR to a not-LD seems smart. However, I would honestly (because of your business) look a bit closer to home for a partner. When you are ready.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Its possible the age difference would be an issue, but I find that I have a hard time relating to people my age. My ex was 10yrs older than me and most of my friends are considerably older too. This doesn't mean I am mature, of course and I would be a liar if I said I was the paragon of adulthood but I am fairly levelheaded, run my own business through my established career and go to school part time. Perhaps changes in goals or personality through my 30's could be an issue in regards to the age difference, but couples older and closer in age grow apart similarly too. As for the aspect of LD not being too long- I think 6 months is too short. A year is long enough to start talking about it, I think, though I am sure many might disagree. That said, the time from being friends to being in a relationship would take a few months at least and I expect that to be added onto any LDR length.

I don't expect immediate exclusivity or boyfriend status from talking to the guy. I just don't know how to warm him up to his previous level of interest so we can have more involved conversations that might eventually lead to us liking each other for real. I am having trouble reconnecting with him and I don't know how to approach him without seeming weird. I think maybe I'm not being clear, but I completely understand that:

1) I should enjoy my singleness for a bit (hell, I enjoyed it before my ex and I rekindled, I like having my own place, my own stuff, my independence)

2) My crush could be a completely different creature than portrayed online (ran into a monster like that before my ex, saw the signs a few weeks in and backed out- never again)

3) Moving 8hrs away for an uncertain romance would be harmful to my income, my business, my professional reputation and my clientele, not to mention my own well being.

I'm not really fond of the title that was given to my post as I don't really want to "tell him I'm single". I didn't pick that title.

I don't want an immediate bonfire of romance. It would burn too fast and too soon. What I am asking is, how to approach this guy for a friendly start, that I hope can evolve because I really like him. I think that my previous relationship status was a contributing factor to him backing off, hence why "telling him I am single" might technically get his attention. But I don't really want to advertise it because coming right out with it would seem like "I'm ready to make your babies, let's get married now" and all I want to do is build a connection to discover how genuine he is, is there chemistry, is he worth it...

I think Honeypie has given the best answers so far. I'm going to back off on him for the time being until I am ready to post on my FB about my new apartment all to myself and see if he catches on. I'll avoid philosophy topics right off the bat and strike it up like she suggested afterwards.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (5 March 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntThe age thing may be an issue, but that remains to be seen.

However, you've only recently broken up with your ex, so perhaps now isn't the best time to jump into something else.

"If the LD part is short" - how short, OP? LDRs shouldn't be LD forever, but how well can you get to know a new partner in only 6 - 12 months? Not well enough to live together, surely?

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for LDRs, but this seems a bit fishy. If you want to anyway, just take it REALLY slowly.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (4 March 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI think as long as you don't jump in with both feet and overlook any red flags (like you did with your ex) then why not?

But be realistic. And GO slow. Having talked/chatted a little over FB/text doesn't mean you KNOW him as a person.

Also he might NOT be looking for anything serious. People rarely advertise that on their FB page that family can see.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

My intention w/the crush was to get know him and as for a LDR, if it the LD part was short, I was ok with it being LDR. But I don't want to jump into having his babies right now. I had thought that he might have backed off upon seeing I was taken and didn't want drama, so he's not as engaged with me thinking I'm unavailable. Its possible he only wants a hook up and its easy to lie online, but from my own research on him, he seems genuine. I'd be willing to take it slow, but I want to warm him up to deeper conversations.

Honeypie- I like your idea about his pics and google. I have been using his name and keywords on facebook. Posts from 8 + years ago pop up. So far he seems genuine. You may be right about coming across the wrong way. He tried working a similar angle with me when he first friended me though. I thought it was the way to go because its a shared interest. I also only date older men, but he might not know that. Lol.

WiseOwlE, you make some good points but I don't see my crush as being a motive. I broke up with my ex because he and I have a 5 and 1/2 year history of breaking up and getting back together. We made it official to see if a serious relationship would work, now that HE happened to be ready. It wasn't growing- at all. I would have broken up with him anyways b/c I had doubts from the beginning, I just wanted to give it one last try. It could be argued that I shouldn't have, but whats done is done. The seeds of doubt were long ago planted. Whats left is friendship and a little respect, but no ability to relate to each other, nothing he wants to do with me (he only wants to play phone or computer games), awful sex (we haven't had sex in over a year and I haven't climaxed since before that), dictating what I wore out of the house, what men I was allowed to talk to and a mold problem he didn't want me telling the landlord about despite the fact it was growing on my clothes. And I had spoken to him about all of these things more than once.

I suppose I could think over my interest in my crush some more. I don't want to come across the wrong way and while I don't see attachment problems arising, especially if I utilize the LD aspect as an opportunity to get to know him slowly, maybe its a bigger issue than I think. I would like to get him to warm up to me again though and I don't know how to go about it.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (4 March 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYou are trying to have seemingly deep conversations over text/messages.. that isn't going to work. It might work for guys your own age but the subject of philosophy is... well, it's for IN person debates and discussions IMHO.

It might make you seem like you are trying TOO hard to seem more mature or interesting. (which you might be - but it doesn't come off as that, most like someone who googled "how can I seem to sound more mature") If you get my point.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2018):

You really should wait and take some time-off to get your mind sorted-out. Make sure you've gotten your ex completely out of your system. There are always loose-ends at the ending of an old relationship, and it usually includes drama. You have it in the back of your mind that you've got your crush as a backup-plan. That is totally on the rebound, and you're setting yourself up to be used.

You started a crush before you and your boyfriend officially broke-up; yet you say he had nothing to do with the breakup. Perhaps that's what you tell us or yourself; but if you were carrying on communication with your crush before the breakup, he was certainly partially your motive behind it. Thus you can't wait to let him know you're now single.

Much too soon! That is because you will have relapse-feelings for your ex and when you discover he's dating, it will have some affect on you emotionally. You eagerness to pursue the other guy is your plan; but if you ever had any real feelings in the previous relationship, they will haunt you.

Getting attached to someone else as quickly as you can will not avert or numb the pain. The subconscious-mind needs time to come to terms with the fact you just detached your feelings from someone, and it's still fresh in your mind. You will start wondering what he's up to, because your ego wants the ex to feel grief and sorrow for your leaving. If he shows signs of a fast recovery, you'll go into shock!

You might think getting involved with a crush will distract you; but what will distract you will be withdrawal from a fresh breakup, retaliation from your ex; and then trying to establish a romantic-connection over long-distance with a guy you don't seem to know very much about.

His interest in you may be only for a quick fling or hookup; and nothing else. You're going to be needy and horny after a fresh breakup, and very vulnerable. You're playing with fire.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (4 March 2018):

Honeypie agony auntRelax, OP

IF you JUST broke up with your now ex, take a bit of time to get over that relationship, where is the fire that you now HAVE to chase someone else?

Also have you looked PAST the "crush"? I mean is an LDR what you are truly looking for?

You could say, if you have a conversation and he asks how things are going - that you are adjusting to being single again. That way you let him know you are single without seeming "desperate". If he picks up on it and starts more personal conversations you can tell him you would like to meet one day for coffee and talk or whatever. But I wouldn't suggest meeting unless he seems interested.

Also, be a LITTLE weary with guys who use FB to hook up with pretty girls who lives far enough away that she won't know much about him, his family and friends. Having a "hidden" FB page is not uncommon.

Before telling him anything, you could run some of his pictures through google images and see what pops up...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

To clarify about how our interaction is and why I'm not sure about where he would stand, a typical convo between us would go something like this:

Me: What philosophy books do you recommend?

Him: It wouldn't be fair to influence your path with what fixed mine. Do you.

Or

Me: I found these books on X philosophy. Maybe I will embrace it more.

Him: I like the versatility of X."Quote philosopher".

Me: I agree with this but not that. "Quote a different philosopher".

Him: No response.

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