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Should I let my 13 year old sister be with a 21 year old? She claims they are in love!

Tagged as: Age differences, Big Questions, Family<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 January 2011) 12 Answers - (Newest, 18 January 2011)
A female United States age 22-25, *ilylove1 writes:

Hey aunts, once again, my little 13 year sister ( who lives with me in my apartment with my boyfriend because of our parents divorce.. Long story) has given me trouble once again. It first started when my after school job hours changed, and I wouldn't be home with her until a few hours after school. Of course, she's 13, so no problem. However, she has problems with being home alone because a homeless man lives in our back alley. With my boyfriend in sports afterschool, there is nobody home. Our next door neighbor is 21 and very nice, he goes to the same college and we are friends. They get along well, so he agreed to house sit while we are away and until I come home (sorry this is long!!). Anyways, I knew they were really good friends. However, yesterday I came home and found him hugging her (and feeling up her back) her sitting legs spread on him and she was kissing him. I was completely shocked. I made him get out and have had to take a week off my job to watch her. I of course am shaken up, but she protests she loves him. It's her first love. Am I judging their ages oo much? Should I let them be? Does age matter?

View related questions: divorce, kissing

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A female reader, camping-gal United Kingdom +, writes (18 January 2011):

I think everyone here as basically said what I think.

1. I'm a teen too, so I know that she's too young to know what she wants or if she's "in love"

2. he's taking advantage of her. tell him to back the hell away. what if he gets her pregnant? it could ruin her whole life - and make sure she knows it.

please don't let her do this! she's only 13, protect her!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011):

It's quite obvious that she IS underage. The answer should be NO whether she is in "love" with him or not. She's NOT in love with him because she doesn't KNOW anything about love (sorry if I sound aggressive) but I'm just calling how I see it. Watch her. That's your job and if you fail to do so, there's consequences.

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (11 January 2011):

One time a relative of mine told me the age equation for a man dating a women is 1/2 the mans age plus seven = minimum womans age. As crazy as it initially sounded, try it out and it seems to always to yield a plausible result.

In this case - hes 21. The youngest he can go right now is 18ish. In 10 years when he is 31 and she is 23 - then they can date......

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A female reader, amber1900 United Kingdom +, writes (11 January 2011):

im young myself and being in love with a older man is hard but i could never kiss him or hug him because i kno the laws the law and if he is that age he should know that its wrong and if they were really in love he would wait for her but i think maby they got a bit to close

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011):

You need to protect your sister from this man. She is just a kid and this man should know better. He is obviously a pervert and needs some kind of help to want to prey on a girl who just hit her teenage years.

Go to his flat, tell him if he goes near your sister again you will report him to the police. Actually if I was you I would properly do that now as it is against the law.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011):

Turn him in to the authorities imediately.

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A female reader, Eva-maddison United Kingdom +, writes (7 January 2011):

people on hear are saying noo stop her. But from a teens point of view.. you tell her no more than likly this will push them closer make a void with use too to the point that she cannot talk to you.Just talk to her tell her you dont fully agree but rather she doesnt hide things and i would clue her up about things too...

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A male reader, axs678 United States +, writes (7 January 2011):

No

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A female reader, malibooty1 United States +, writes (6 January 2011):

no she is way too young for him and she doesnt understand love yet she just thinks shes in love because of course hes older he probably makes her feel that way because she might trust him from him having experience but its definatley not right

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011):

Ofcourse I mean she's 13. I would be concerned if the guy was 16-17 year old not 21. Its too much of a difference and the guy is way too old for her. Try to explain to her that he's not looking for a relationship but probaly only making out or sex.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (6 January 2011):

CindyCares agony auntIn this case,it does.

She 13 and he 21 ?!

That would make eyebrows rise even in some mud hut village along the banks of the Amazonas river !

Keep the 21 y.o. guy away, tell him that if if shows up again you 'll press charges. He has been molesting an underage girl , and at her age it does not matter if she was consentient.

As for your sister, she is ...being 13 . Hormonal, curious, experimental, looking for affection attention and validation ( in the wrong places ). That's what older sisters are for : sit her down, explain her the difference between love and infatuation, explain her that

it's normal having sexual impulses, and it's also normal though learning to control them when acting up on them is risky or unappropriate.

Maybe you could try enrolling her in some sort of sport or arts after school program. Not only to solve the problem of "babysitting ". Also because perhaps after your parents divorce, and being quite a few hours on her own, she may feel a bit lonely or "disconnected " and she may be craving for more warmth and a sense of belonging.

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A male reader, Cerberus_Raphael United Kingdom +, writes (6 January 2011):

Cerberus_Raphael agony auntIn this instance, age matters a lot and you were right to throw him out. What he is doing is taking advantage of a hormonally chaotic little girl and her unstable emotions. She does not know what she feels now or how she is supposed to feel about it. Continue keeping them apart, seek to get a restraining order filed against him if you can. What she feels is not love.

I hope that helps.

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