A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My partner is an alcoholic. I'm not sure if it's because her husband of 25 years left her for a younger model or if he left her because of her drinking. I've lived with her for just over 8 years, most of the time it's been really good, but when she hits the bottle, and that can be at least a bottle of gin plus a bottle of wine a day, she gets argumentative and nasty and then crashes out on the sofa for hours at a time to sleep it off.Her short-term memory is getting worse, she can't remember things we've discussed just hours earlier, and I'm sure it's the booze that's killing her brain cells.I love her to bits but she's driving me to distraction and I don't know whether I can cope with her drinking for much longer. It's been suggested by mutual friends that I should leave her to sort herself out, in the hope that she'd come to her senses and stop, but I'm not sure I could do that. For a start I've nowhere else to go and I dread to think what would happen to her if I did that. A couple of years ago she had her driving licence taken off her for DUI and I thought that might have brought about a change in her and brought her to her senses. Now she's got her licence back again and is back to getting slaughtered in the morning and driving in the afternoon having slept it off. I dread that she'll kill someone in her drunken state.When she's been drinking she loses all interest in sex, perhaps for weeks at a time and it would be an understatement to say that I'm getting frustrated at the lack of it. I'm seriously thinking of having an affair, or a 'friends with benefits' arrangement with a friend, who I think might be up for it. She knows the situation I'm in and is one of those that has suggested that I leave my partner to give her a shock to her system.I don't know what to do. Can someone please point me in a sensible direction as to what I do next? I can't go on like this for much longer.
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female
reader, Cateyes  + ♥, writes (18 June 2008):
 My "personal" opinion here is, that SHE MUST see all what SHE is NOT doing, what SHE is NOT handling at home, if SHE doesn't show up for work, if SHE over sleeps...whatever SHE is having "issues" with, even sex like I stated, she needs to know that she is on her own. If you, like I did, always did EVERYTHING, to keep her afloat, she needs and should be held accountable for all her actions, whether it's washing her clothes to dirty dishes, or forgot to do something....and as far as her "womanly" duties are concerned....YOU have to bring that to her attention. YOU have to tell her that you don't want to be with her when she is in "that" condition...it's a turn off. It could be her breath, her lack of intimacy with you, the passion, the joy..the excitement...it's not there when she's like this. Let her know you miss "her"...let her know all the things you miss, how her drinking has affected you, all the things she has neglected. Maybe she no longer is keeping herself like she used to. (?- hair, how she dresses, makeup..you get my point) Some people really let themselves go...badly might I add.
I remember purchasing an AA book (the BIBLE for Alcoholics as I call it and some of them too!) and leaving it on the counter for him to see. He asked me about it. I told him I got it from an Alanon meeting and I was hoping that he would take some time to read it. He laughed. But the book was kept still at our apt. It was 2 yrs later before it finally became of real use. A little to late in my case, however, not all alcoholics are the same. I do feel, and I could be wrong, but in my opinion, I feel one thing they have in common (when they are in this state of mind) is that they are very selfish. It's always about "them". Eventually, if they practice the steps, it's not all about them. Most of this is from the many of fights, the arguing, you name it that I can so remember. The cops had been to the house a few times...and it wasn't me who called either. He actually was so drunk one night, he went to another door in our apt...and we won't go any further need I say more! How embarassing!!! I also believe...lying does take place because they do not want you to know they have a problem...because to them, it's not. They feel you do not understand them...and there right, we don't when they are drunk or if they do not feel they have a problem. I believe the only "people" who can truly help an alcoholic, is another alcoholic in recovery (sober for years), a half way house, a rehab center or hospital that has those type of facilities available...but I'm not to sure of a "just" a counsler unless he to was one at one time. I can understand now why many form there own "family" if you will...it's because they understand each other more then we can. Many marriages can work it out, however, a very strong desire in understanding that this illness is just as if it was cancer or some other illness of the sort. But when the hurt is so deep, for whatever "other" reasons that may come into play...THAT can be very hard. I have forgiven my ex..truly I have...however, I could not look at him the same nor...the worst part...want or desire to have sex with him anymore. That is when I new, I could no longer go on. I did try...you have NO idea, but I couldn't. Call me what you wish...however, I never knew if it could ever be me (my face) instead of the wall or other furniture that his fist may have decided to hit instead. He did become very verbally abusive and at times...through me around.
I know you wanted a really GREAT answer, but there is no really great answer unless they finally see and admit...I have a problem..and I'm ready to do something about it. You have to have some one on one time with her..sober..and let her know all you feel. Take some time...write and gather ALL your thoughts and dish them out to her. Hopefully, this will shed some light into her and she will realize what she is doing to herself. Let her know that if you didn't care, you wouldn't be saying anything...and it's because you do care, you are.
Keep me posted...tell me how it goes, and know my prayers are with you!!!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (17 June 2008):
 Sorry to hear about your wife. I lost a friend to alcoholism, she too had a loving husband and friends and family that wanted her to get help. She refused time and time again. So I know what can happen. The fact that she may harm someone while driving drunk is a huge concern, she's not only hurting herself but she could cause someone severe injury or death. If I were you, I'd have one of those breathalyzer units that require you blow into it before the car can be started. I have no idea how expensive that is, but what is your peace of mind worth? Or another human life?
You need to get some support for yourself in this. I'd recommend that you contact the following organization for support and some resources to help you cope and make the best decision for your own personal well-being and mental health.http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/
I'm so sorry for what you're facing and what you've been through. I hope that she does finally ask for help. My very best wishes to you and your family.
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A
female
reader, Brigid +, writes (17 June 2008):
I agree wholeheartedly with what everyone has said.
Your wife's alcoholism will only get worse left unchecked.
The only person who can give up the drink is your wife, and she has to really want to. I agree that you should put it on the line to her - let her know that her drinking is going to drive you away, but that if she really does want to give it up then you'll be there for her. She then has the choice, unfortunately she may well choose the drink, which you have to be prepared for. But as has been said, you have to stand by your words. If she chooses the drink then you have to leave.
I wish that there was a way in which you could make it all ok, but there isn't. Drink is a hard mistress and one which many find they don't have the will to leave. I truly hope that with your love you can help your wife to overcome this terrible illness.
Taking a lover will not solve any of your problems, in truth all that will happen is that you drag yet another person into the morass of problems that is your wife's alcoholism .
I wish both you and your wife all the luck in the world.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses.
Cateyes, do you have any suggestions as to how to make her want to give it up? I've tried everything I know short of dumping her. Her doctor has tried, her daughter has tried, her friends have tried and apart from a couple of occasions when she gave up for a couple of weeks (which was also a nightmare because she was having hallucinations and acting weird)she's always been drinking to excess.
You're right - the boozing is escalating, getting more often and more in quantity. Believe me, leaving her or cheating on her are the very last things I want to do, but I feel sh'e slowly driving me to do one or the other. If there's a wit's end - I'm near it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): Al-Anon (what's the British equivalent?) Counseling. PROFESSIONAL HELP!
Your partner is not the first alcoholic in the world and organizations exist to help. If you leave, she'll just get worse. She needs the help of you, friends, family, just about everyone who cares for her, to help her stop drinking.
I don't know-- it's your call, of course, whether you've had enough and want out. Don't have an affair, just leave. But if you feel that if only she'd dry up, she'd be the woman for you, then help her. Talk to a counselor specializing in addiction, or a help group, to find out the best course to take.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Cateyes + ♥, writes (17 June 2008):
Any alcoholic progesses with time in their drinking. You might meet someone who only drinks a 6 pack of beer, in due time, their drinking a case at one time...some even more. (in the case of my exhusband) Who knows why her ex left her, it could have been for several reasons, and yes being drunk all the time could have been one, however, getting involved with anyone would just be adding fuel to the fire. Seriously, think about it! A few minutes of pleasure will not solve your problem! Like my ex, he had his "issues" from his past due to drinking, however, it took him many times of attempting sobriety before he ever actually became sober. During those attempts, I did not realize that "I" was always there to clean his mess up...whatever that might be. Because of this, he had no reason to want to become sober in order to hit his rock bottom, and by that time, it was to late, we had divorced. Then is when he became serious...he was alone (mind you we separated for a year before divorcing, but I still would come to his rescue when he needed something...money, etc) He has been sober almost 12 years now and functioning quite well, but it was to late for us. There was to many other reasons of why I left, cheating, lying, stealing money or things to sell in the house...and I just could no longer trust him or believe in him anymore. It was always this time I'm gonna do it..I promise...and I would believe him everytime. She has to want to become sober, you cannot force her no matter what. She has to be willing and has to finally see the light...and if you always protect, help her in HER problems, she will never want to or have that desire to become sober. There is help for you if you want to help yourself...it's Alanon...for those family members who have been affected by someone's drinking. It's worth going to a meeting, their free, to hear of others who have had simular issues such as yours. Take what you need, leave the rest that you don't. You should make a stand with her and let her know how her drinking affects you (even sexually) and what it is doing to herself. If she does not want to change, then you should let her know you no longer will tolerate her behavior or her actions to you and take other measures. When you say something to her, you MUST mean what you say. Otherwise, she knows she "got" you. It's hard, and my heart does go out to you, been there, done that. If you feel you should and need to leave, then I do suggest it no matter how hard it may be on you. However, I do feel and believe we should try and work it out...as long as they try to and want to...and prove it most of all.
Good luck...and if you ever need to talk...I'm hear. God Bless!
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