A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone.... I have been a relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year now. I love him and I know he loves me too. But the problem is that he is always broke. I am kind of regretting now. I wish I knew the extent of his brokenness before we become exclusive, maybe then I would have had a chance to make a different decision. The thing is he has a good job that pays well but he has a lot of loans such that at the end of each month he is left with almost nothing. He can't even afford basic things and he doesn't even own any property apart from his bed. On top of all this he is at medical school where he can't even afford to pay his tution fees. He says he wants us to get married next year. I on the other hand have a good job. I have no loans. I afford my own house and a decent lifestyle. And I make way more than him every month. He asks me for money at times which I give him. I don't like it when asks for money but I know it's because he is broke. But the brokenness is getting worse nowadays. It's starting to get to me. I am worried about our future. I have talked to him about this. He says things eventually sought themselves out. I am not a believer of such philosophies. I am really worried. I don't want to break up over this. But each day that passes I keep thinking I made a mistake not knowing his financial status before becoming exclusive. Because right now I am more invested and I can't just break it off. I somehow feel cheated.Sorry for a long post. Am asking for advice from anyone who has had a similar situation or known someone in a similar situation. Thank you in advance.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2015): I agree that in your case you should get to know more about his situation before taking this relationship more seriously or giving him more money.
But on prinicple, the idea that you are entitled to know someone's finances before becoming exclusive with them . . . . um, no. Asking a man that is like asking a woman to tell her entire sexual history. That is going pretty deep for the mere step of exclusive dating.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2015): if you really love this guy you might have to just put up with the financial uncertainty and throw your weight into the relationshi It is kind that he gave a car to her s mother after her stroke,providing that she was well enough to drive.If you are sure that his circumstances are exactly as he says they are then you can consider that he has a large burden to carry and you are a godsend to him.From now on just start to imagine that you have dependents of your own to support and put away backup money in a secret and separate account and no longer fully disclose your financial circumstances so that you are building up emergency funds for yourself.Get to meet the mum and the siblings but still keep your financials to yourself.Your fella maybe a wonderful guy, working hard and just going from day to day getting by ,but if you build up a little cash where it cant be readily accessed you can enjoy th fun times without getting in financially deeper than you can handle. At least one of you is financially sound, so make sure your dates include long walks that cost nothing, picnics that cost littl, movies at home and tell him sometimes that your not going sch and such unless he pays because you have some unexpected or previously undeclared debts to pay..or tell him outright ."i cant lend you more than five dollars cos it wouldnt be possible for you to pay me back..."
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (5 August 2015):
 Hi
I think waiting until he is in a better financial position may never happen. I really like the answer from ''a male reader anonymous'' who very astutely mentioned ENABLERS. All that he said is very true too.
Please don't fall for the ''promise'' of this man.
When he qualifies he will have more big expenses. If he wants to set up in private practice there will be further big expenses and more loans.
Borrowing money to pay for a depreciating asset means going backwards unless the depreciating assett is being used to earn an income.
Borrowing to purchase an asset to earn an income would be smarter.
In a market where real estate prices are very slightly on the rise it is a good move to borrow to buy real estate.
Your guy is unsophisticated and unrealistic about money. Considering his past actions in how he spends and borrows he is heading for a fall. Even if he earns more money he is likely to then spend more money.
One you have settled down together he will start spending your money too and then both of you will end up with no money.
But as a Doctor he will no doubt never be short of wealthier ladies who will overlook his poor financial situation and he will then be able to move on to the next lady with more money than you, once you are penniless and you have children to look after, thereby a responsibility you will have to contend with while he goes on to live as he wants.
Think of your future.
Think what this could become.
Your are financially stable now.
He is financially unstable and heading towards becoming more so as his only back up plan is becoming the partner of you - and one of your attractions to him is because your finances are in better shape than his
With him you will be forever limping along in a leaky boat and constantly under threat financially - and eventually you and he will reach very rough waters and the boat will sink and you'll have to swim to shore with your children, any way you can.
What else will his family also expect him to finance in the future?
The wedding of a sister?
The funeral of a parent?
The set up of his medical practice?
A better car because he is a Doctor?
Better clothes because he is a Doctor?
A better home to fit his position?
Please think carefully if your finances can take all this?
And if you do get pregnant then how will the two then three of you survive financially?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2015): If he comfortable/entitled enough to ask you for money, then his finances are your definitely your concern. Especially if he is talking about proposal.I agree with this advice ;'I think you need to share your concerns with him.If he agrees to it, sit down with him and go through his finances together to see what can be done to improve things. If he thinks this is a good idea and is keen to put measures into place to improve his finances, then this is a big positive.If however he gets defensive or wants to bury his head in the sand, this should indeed be a major concern for you.'It does not bode well that he's asking you for money with no plan of how he's going to pay you back. You don't want a partner in life that holds you back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice.....I really love this guy. So it breaking my heart.We discussed our finances. He knows exactly what I get and what assets I have.He got a huge loan about three years ago which he used to get a car. I don't know what he used the other money for. He later sold the car and bought a cheaper one which he later gave to his mother (his mother suffered a stroke so she needed the car for the trips to the hospital). He got another loan last year to pay for his tution fees. So every month he pays part of the loans. He told me that he will finish paying for the loans in two years time. He is a bread for his family. But he is broke. He also pays for his siblings tution fees. I thought of waiting for him to finish school and finish paying his loans before getting married. But I have to be honest I don't think I can wait that long. I have everything I need and right I want to start my own family. I am torn .
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2015): Most broke guys stay broke guys and it is generally not a good trait if you want to settle down and have a family because you will end up pulling all the weight and he will rely on you until you are financially and emotionally exhausted, but he wont thankyou for your grand effort,but will resent you for the control you wish to have over your finances. This is a situation where you have to have back up and double back up plans because you will become an enabler.Enablers are not loved and adored.They are kept the right side of so that you will contunue to enable.Some guys cultivate more than one enabler. His problem could be reckless spending, undisclosed financial committments, gambling, or expensive drug addiction. Dont expectyour man to change because he cant. The only person who can change is you.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 August 2015):
And yes you most certainly should know his financial situation before you become exclusive, and the fact that he's not even discussed the full extent of his loans and anything else to do with his finances suggests that he knows it will not look good to you.
Red alarm bells are ringing loud and clear to me.
Has he though (in a very round about way) asked you about your financial situation? Is he aware of what you own and what you have accumulated to date? How soon after you met did he start asking for money?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 August 2015):
I suspect that he is now at his upper limit of financial incompetence and he really does not want you to know the full extent of his dire financial situation.
It also sounds like he has no idea of how to budget and no wish to live within his means.
If a Bank will not lend him money then why should you? You are not a bank. Banks assess risk. They look at what assets a person has. They weigh up if the person can live within their means and budget wisely.
If he cannot pay for his tuition then he may even have to cease studying. Then all his studying will not be enough to allow him to qualify to become a Doctor.
Is that when he will expect you to pay for all his tuition fees?
How long before he will propose that you take out a mortgage at the Bank in your name (leaving you in debt) to pay for his tuition fees?
He is already asking you for money.
What is he doing to reduce his spending.
Who does he owe?
Why does he owe so much?
Does he have a gambling problem?
Gamblers can be ever so charming. They are used to bluffing their oponents so being duplicity personified comes easily to them.
A gambler I once knew (not in a relationship - but as a tradesman I once employed) tearfully confided that he owed $185000, but he'd told his wife it was only $18000. I told him to tell his wife the truth. He didn't. Instead he took all her jewellery and sold it for a pittance. So he was still in debt.
Then their marriage broke up. He left the state owing family and friends thousands but he never stopped gambling.
I think this guy sees you as his future cash source.
If anything were to happen to you he would take over all your money and he would still likely be penniless 18 months later.
So much about this concerns me that I think it would enough to break up on the basis of what you have advised and change the locks on your home.
No matter how charming, how cute, I think this guy has the potential to ruin your credit rating, put you in debt, and walk away when he finds the next lady with more money for him to plunder.
I really don't think he's worth the risk.
It is much better if a couple are on the same page financially in their actions and attitudes towards money and net worth.
If one is a saver and the other a spender it invariably causes tension.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (5 August 2015):
 I think you need to share your concerns with him.
If he agrees to it, sit down with him and go through his finances together to see what can be done to improve things. If he thinks this is a good idea and is keen to put measures into place to improve his finances, then this is a big positive.
If however he gets defensive or wants to bury his head in the sand, this should indeed be a major concern for you.
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