A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi recently I’ve started dating a woman who is a bit older than me (I’m 22 she’s 34). It was all going well we were seeing each other most nights, we had a real spark so good we started being in a relationship, anyway a week ago she said she wasn’t ready for a relationship as she didn’t want to stop me enjoying my life now and resenting her in the future for it and that she had been in a relationship from 17 till 31 and wasnt sure she could be in one again as she now had 2 children who take up all her time and she felt she could never love me as she has a stone heart. I told her this was fine and we could take a step back to just dating again or if she wanted we could stop seeing each other altogether if that would make her happy. She decided that she didn’t want to stop seeing me and we are now just dating. But here is the issue I have. It doesn’t seem right now. I’m worried that she doesn’t like me and she’s doing this to be nice. And she just seems really quiet and distant. Should I keep going and see what happens or just walk away now and save any more heartache?
View related questions:
spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2018): I don't know...I get the feeling that she may be embarrassed about the age difference and embarrassed about her own feelings for you, so she is just trying to do what's "proper" and take care of her responsibilities. She is probably afraid of the judgment of society if she tows around a MUCH younger boyfriend. She would be called a cougar at every turn. And she is probably afraid that she would become a burden to your freedom and experience when you are at such a young age. She might also worry that in the future she will age much more quickly and you will be looking for still very young women when she is getting wrinkles.Most of her concerns are justified, and age differences are hard. But I don't think she's letting you go because she doesn't like you, I think she feels compelled by "rational" reasons to let you go, but probably still feels the chemistry (hence why she wanted to still keep seeing each other).
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (3 February 2018):
 I agree with Andie here,
She is TRYING so hard to let you down easy because she doesn't SEE a future here with you. You are simply TOO young for her. (no offense).
She has WAY more life experience, WAY more responsibility and probably bigger overall NEEDS from an ACTUAL BF than you can give at this stage in your life.
If you are both OK with a sorta FWB thing then do that just realize that a FWB has an expiration date. (which might have passed already - at least for her, as she seems to try and end it in a "nicest" way she can).
Sorry.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 February 2018):
 I'm sorry, OP, but please be honest with yourself: what can a 22-year-old offer a 34-year-old grown woman with children? He can offer her an ego boost and sex with a younger guy, but not usually much more than that.
She is trying to let you down gently, as she doesn't have a stone heart, she just realised that there isn't much of a future with a guy who has only recently become an adult when she is a fair bit further into adulthood *and* motherhood.
You've only recently started dating, so there really shouldn't be any heartache. Take things slow with women, particularly if they are older. I don't recommend continuing to date her, as she clearly doesn't see this going anywhere. Find someone who wants a similar thing to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (3 February 2018):
 Oh dear. So many labels these days. Years ago life was so much simpler: if you were dating, you were in a relationship. There was no dividing line. Nowadays there seem to be so many levels to going out with someone, all accompanied by their own label. So unnecessarily complicated (in my view).
It sounds like this lady has been hurt in the past and is now wary of feeling vulnerable again. I suspect the relationship has probably progressed quite quickly and she has suddenly got cold feet. You are still very young and I suspect she feels you will want to have "fun" at some stage rather than being tied down to a young family (because she and her children come as a unit). There is nothing wrong with that. There is a time for fun and a time to settle down. Don't underestimate the need to get all the "young" things out of your system before settling down. As the saying goes, you are only young once.
You need to ask yourself whether you do actually want to be involved with these children at your age. Remember, when you walk away, you walk away from not only your girlfriend but from them too. No relationship comes with any guarantees, and it can be difficult to predict how things will turn out long term. All we can know with any degree of certainty is how we feel here and now. Your girlfriend was in a long term relationship from a very early age, which eventually broke down. She now has the responsibility of her children's happiness as well as her own. You need to understand her reservations about getting hurt again and about her children being hurt again.
Also you will (probably?) want children of your own in the future. Does she actually want any more children? She may not and will, therefore, feel she is depriving you of this experience.
12 years is not an enormous age gap if you two were 20 years older. At this stage in your lives (particularly yours), it is quite significant.
Ask yourself how you envisage your life in 5, 10 or 20 years' time. What do you want to do/experience in that time? What are your long term goals? Then sit down and TALK with your girlfriend and see how she envisages her life going forward. If you two want very different things, then there is no point in you hanging on and prolonging the agony for both of you. Or you may just find that you have more in common than you thought.
Good luck.
...............................
|
