A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So I've been at university in Oxford this past year and at the end of April I started dating an amazing guy who lives in Oxford. I'm back at home in Surrey for the Summer now, so I haven't seen him for almost a month now and I really miss him a lot. The issue is made worse by the fact that in September I won't be returning to university in Oxford, I'll be going to a university in London instead.The guy I was dating (let's call him 'J'), is really lovely. When we spent time together he was affectionate and kind towards me and I can tell that he likes me. However, so far, we haven't really been keeping in contact with each other. This is partly due to the fact that I am usually the one who initiates contact, and so I've been waiting for him to message me first, but he hasn't. Before I left Oxford, he said we could snapchat over the Summer, so I sent him my snapchat username last week but he still hasn't gotten round to adding me yet. He has a job which takes up a lot of his time and I know he's very dedicated to it, but it really only takes 30 seconds to pick up your phone and send a message to someone. I just want to know he's thinking about me because I'm spending large amounts of time thinking about him. If you can't already tell, I really do overthink things a lot and I've been telling myself that that's been the problem but I'm not so sure anymore. Even while I was in Oxford he was hard to get hold of. I'm just a bit mystified by the whole thing because when I saw him for the last time before leaving Oxford he was very clear that he wanted me to come back and see him.Part of me just really wants to send him a text saying 'I really miss you'. Of course if I say that, he'll say he misses me too, but I don't want him to say it because I said it, I want him to say it because that's how he feels! I understand that he could be thinking the exact same thing as I am, he wants me to make the first move, but I just can't see that being the case. I've shown him, a lot more than he has shown me, that I am thinking about him and that I really like him! In fact, I actually said to him on our fourth date that I 'liked' him, and he hasn't said it to me! Essentially, don't want to come across as needy or neurotic in any way in case I scare him off. I'm pretty sure I can deal with long distance relationships, but this isn't just long distance. This is long distance, mixed in with the uncertainty of me not knowing how he feels or if he's thinking about me at all and I'm really struggling with that. We spoke on one occasion about the long distance aspect of our relationship and he said that it wasn't really an issue for him. He said (in regard to me studying in London starting in September) 'London's not that far away.'My question is, what is the best course of action? Should I just swallow my pride and tell him I really miss him or should I just wait for him to message me first (that might take a while, he is very bad with his phone and has admitted this to me before so take that into account)?
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long distance, swallow, text, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@honeypie
You're absolutely right and while that's not what I want to hear it's definitely the right thing to do. Thank you so much for taking the time to think about my problem and answer me it's really been so helpful. It's really amazing to me that people on the internet take this much consideration with people's problem's who they've never even met!
Thank you so much again, you've been a great help.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 July 2016):
 I wouldn't give him an ultimatum, they usually backfire anyways.
You can't MAKE him want to have a relationship, giving him an ultimatum won't change that.
Instead? I'd tell him good luck in life, I have enough friends as it is.
And then I'd block and delete him, and work on moving on.
To me the offer of friendship from him is as empty as his other "promises" - he is trying to not come across as an asshat who wasted your time, and I think he believes that by offering friendship he has let you down easy. Where as in reality ... he'd be stringing you along, because you STILL believe his empty promises and hopes that it will STILL lead to more. It won't.
You two are not on the same page, not even the same book. Let him go. By the time school starts in London you will hopefully be over this one and ready to met someone who WILL make time for you.
Want more for yourself.
Sorry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk so I texted him basically asking if he was committed to making things work between us. He replied saying he was sorry he hadn't messaged me and that he didn't add me on snapchat but that he had been really busy and he was swamped with work. He said he wanted to remain friends and stay in contact but that he didn't think he could commit to anything more serious.I'm really torn because I do like him and I think if we remain friends the possibility of us getting back together is still on the cards, but I feel that if I remain friends with him for that reason alone I'm not really respecting myself. I kind of want to just give him an ultimatum, we either try to make it work or we say goodbye but I think that might be a bit too dramatic.I'm also not sure if it's worth calling him out on the fact that, while he's busy, if he liked me enough he would have made time to message me every so often. Advice?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 July 2016):
 Sometimes the truth hurts, but I hope you do get the truth now from him so that you can plan ahead for your future and decide what path you and he are going to take. the truth is not always nice, but if he does not want to carry on at least you know and you can move forward with your life. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 July 2016):
Good for you! At least you will know where you stand rather than wait around for HIM to spell it out for you.
Life is too short to wait for another person to decide if they want to partake in YOUR life or not.
I have found that most people who say "I'm bad with my phone" as an excuse to why they take forever to answer or call... are using that as a bogus excuse and putting YOU in a lower priority. Because If they really wanted to stay in touch, talk to you... they would. Regardless of being busy at work. They "only" work 8-10 a day 5 days a week, which leaves PLENTY of time to catch up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you 'aunt honesty', your answer was hard to stomach but most likely true. I just took his word for it when he said he wanted to keep it going but I suppose he doesn't. You're absolutely right, if he was missing me he would say something to me.
And thank you 'Honeypie', I have sent him the dreaded text and will update here when he responds.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (5 July 2016):
From reading your post it sounds like he is not that in to you, the way you are with him. He dated you, but I don't think he is looking at it long term, that is my opinion, but sweetie if he was missing you he would make an effort to keep in contact. I think he enjoyed dating, but now that you are away he will be on to his next conquest. He probably does not see a future in long distance, he probably just didn't want to upset you. Either way you should text him and ask him what the story is with you both so that you know where you stand.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 July 2016):
I would shoot him a text. It's not needy to tell someone I've missed you and been hoping you would have added me already on snapchat. That way the ball is in his court... IF he doesn't pick it up, maybe it's time to move on.
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