A
male
age
26-29,
*rBigShot110
writes:Hey everyone. After some soul searching, research, and visits to my therapist, and continuing to end up more alone as time passes, and after facing constant rejection from women. I now realize why I alienate so many people. I haven't done it intentionally, I haven't always known what I was doing, I just knew something about me was off. I have narcissistic personality disorder and upon finding this out have realized that dating for me is virtually done. I've never been able to have any type of relationship with women as they are put off by me incredibly fast. At work, I consistently find others reacting to me as if I've hurt them or have been rude (which I have unfortunately). They say a narcissist will never get help because they don't believe they are the problem, but after finding out why I do what I do and realizing how much of a dick I am, I feel very ashamed of myself and remorseful about how I've treated people in the past. My only options are lots of therapy and learning/practicing how to care about others. I honestly have no confidence to try to go after a girl anymore. I know deep down that I don't care about them, I know I'm not good at hiding my intentions with them, I know it'll likely go bad because I'll do something to get myself rejected as I always have. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going to be alone forever, that I'm too damaged to ever be capable of a healthy relationship. I worry that I'll never lose my desire to control people or to be recognized by many as special. I feel like all is basically lost when it comes to love and interpersonal relationships. I was a spoiled only child and never had to learn how to care about anyone but myself. I used to be genuinely kind when I was a kid, but I've felt like that was never reciprocated by my peers. I always felt that I gave far more than I received emotionally, so I shut my feelings off and discarded anyone I didn't consider a useful ally, or that I felt gave me a good reason to care about them. Even if you see those statements as nothing more than excuses for me being a douchebag, they are the truth. Now, I'll likely be a rich, self-loathing, lonely person living in his own corner of the world because I don't care about anyone and they don't care about me. I'll be stuck putting up walls with hostile, haughty body language, nice things, and keeping to myself. In other words, I now feel that I'm doomed to be lonely forever because I can't be bothered to give a damn about anyone but myself anymore. Do you all have any advice for this? Should I just accept that my personality is a turn off to most people and give up on love? I honestly don't see much of a way out of this. I've never had a girlfriend, I creeped out all the female friends I had as soon as puberty hit, and I can't get a woman attracted to me to save my life, not to mention the small rude gestures and behaviors I can't seem to control that are pushing lots of people away from me. Please help! Life has become all about domination to me. I'll end with a brutally honest statement: Thank God for protecting all the young women I've pursued from the emotional damage I would have done to them.
View related questions:
at work, confidence, never had a girlfriend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2018): I am someone who comes from a narcissist family, and the fact that you are so young, and care about getting out of that destructive pattern is great! We have had several elder narcissists die horribly without ever realizing why they alienated most friends and family and fucked up their children. They could admit no wrong and everything was the fault of everyone else. Someone who can't admit it will be emotionally alone even though they don't want to be because they can never face their inner shame and kept up their false selves. You have a lot of time to figure out how to care about someone else and break down those walls. Keep on going to therapy, and maybe find a therapist who specializes in NPD. Ultimately you will be happier too, because part of NPD is searching for someone who could accept that inner shame core. The thing is, YOU have to muster up everything you've got to choose to expose it and tell the truth! Good luck. Some people have done very well after realizing they don't want to be that way.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (30 January 2018):
 If you don't genuinely care about people, maybe a relationship just isn't in your makeup. That doesn't mean you have to be lonely. If you ever find people you do care about, you can try to build friendships - one of which may develop into a relationship.
Continue with the therapy and go with the flow, but consciously make an effort to improve how you interact with people.
Sometimes we want things that just don't fit with who we are, but it doesn't have to result in you being alone.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2018): My young friend, there is so much hope for you in spite of your shortsightedness. Being so young and inexperienced, you can't see much further than the diagnosis you've received; and your self-deprecation shows you're cognizant of your tendencies to be a "dick" to people. You don't enjoy it; but your disorder rules, and compels you to be rotten to others.
You do realize and recognize the fact that your mistreatment and disrespect towards women receives no reward. You reap what you sow. The loneliness and isolation is your karma. Use it as motivation to change. Turn a negative to a positive. You're smart, and very articulate. You know sugar from sh*t!
You're a conscientious-narcissist! That's an oxymoron, but not many narcissists will actually sit-down and describe their bad-behavior in detail; and actually feel remorse about it. They can do no wrong, and usually don't care how people feel about their ways. They usually just use people until they're done with them; and move-on to the next victim, as soon as they run out of narcissistic-supply. Or, get kicked to the curb!!! Victims do recover, and they also take back the power you steal. Your hold is not unbreakable.
The advantage of youth is time. If you use it to gain knowledge and improve yourself. You're still developing emotionally and psychologically, being under 21. I'm almost inclined to believe that some of your post is embellishment and just written to challenge us to see if we have answers for everything. As many do, and we humor them or seek to help others who may read and benefit from our answers.
You can seek a spiritual-life. Devote some of your time to helping those in need. Place yourself around good people who serve and help others; and allow their goodwill to rub-off on you. Everything can't be solved on a couch and taking pills. Sometimes you've got to explore and pursue all types of unorthodox methods of helping yourself. You are aware you creep women out, and you seem to be concerned that you can't help it. You've learned as long as you do, they won't like you. Hang-on to that wisdom! It applies to friends and family as well! Carries-over to clients, potential-customers, colleagues, and your bosses.
Well, you can't allow yourself to feel so hopeless or too negative. A positive-outlook is essential. Throw your hands up in defeat; and you'll be dismissive and resistant to therapy. You seek enlightenment and empathy by doing something good for others. You may need a lot of coaching and close-supervision; but helping others feels good, and God forgives all. If you give-up on yourself and just decide what the hell; then you'll fail for the lack of effort. With all the sincerity and honesty you confessed and conveyed in your post, I actually feel there is hope for you yet.
You survive and interact with others by feeding your ego; and you self-validate by taking advantage of weaknesses you see in other people. Yet, you see all your own faults. You feel you have some special talent for seeing and taking advantage of the weaknesses you find in others. You arrogantly may believe that gives you power. Not really. That's all manufactured in your conceited-mind. You may hurt others, but that doesn't empower you at all. It makes you mean and manipulative; but those are really weaknesses, not strengths. There is power in good-character. Having compassion, and feeling empathy for others. That's your challenge for-life. You're so fortunate to be so young!
Now don't hesitate to seek spiritual-enlightenment. Soul-search, and do acts of kindness; even if they feel contrived and robotic. It's the effort that counts. Make a list of things you can do using your talents that will benefit others, and simply put them to use; or offer them to someone who can show you how.
Through a good mentor, you may make some gains having a good role-model. Say if you take martial-arts. You will learn mind-control and mental-discipline through your Sensei.
Submit to any form of worship you've been exposed to as a kid.Seek it and see what it brings to you. Listen to constructive-criticism. Learn to apologize for what comes out of your mouth. You're not stupid or crazy. You know right from wrong; and you also know when you're being rude. Apologize, even if you don't mean it or don't care. With practice and determination, you'll actually mean it.
You will not reverse and change overnight. Becoming a better person is a life-long commitment and a daily challenge. You must be a work in-progress for the rest of your life. We are all imperfect. We all hurt people, and we all can be selfish or self-serving. If we recognize such traits in ourselves and own them; that's one step towards correcting them.
For a narcissist, I see rare honesty and sincerity in your post.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2018): Do you like animals? specially dogs. If you do I suggest you should volunteer to help in an animal shelter in your sparetime to help abused animals. That way I am sure you will learn to share love and gratitude. It is amazing how an abused and beaten animal can return love and show gratitude for being helped and forge a bond of love with its helper. It is a wonderful experience of reparation of a damaged soul.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 January 2018):
 For now, OP?
Focus on you. I don't think you are a lost cause, as you seem to understand that YOUR actions and words DO affect other and that in turn has consequences.
For now, I don't think you are in a "state" where you should be considering dating at all.
Right now, you want to be better for YOU, so YOU can "get" what you feel you want in life. The point is for you to keep working on yourself so you get to the point where you WANT to be better not JUST for yourself but those around you.
Keep up there therapy and remember there is no instant fix, this will probably take time (and you have PLENTY of it).
...............................
|
