A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have two older sisters and, unfortunately there is a fall out with the eldest one and she has been off the scene for a year and a half.I learned she was dating someone older and she visited our mother at Christmas with him. Right enough, he is nine years older than her at 53. Our mum said he seemed a bit of a jerk and we think he is behind the family fall out, trying to isolate her.I therefore did a little research and found he has had financial troubles in the past and has recently started his own business. He is also twice divorced, having been married in 1984, having three kids, then divorcing sometime between 2003 and 2006. He was then remarried in 2007 and that ended about 2009. He met my sister in 2011, they broke up in 2012. Now he turns up with her at our mum's last Christmas.So, I found out his second wife's email address and sent her a note asking if she would spill any beans. She is 51.I assumed he met her in 2006 after the first divorce. She replied to my email: "Your instincts are correct, B is bad news. I wasted 9 years of my life and could write you a book on it...with that said, I will give you more details and instances so you can hopefully convince your sister to get out now, before any more damage and heartache is done in her life."Now I am in a major panic. There are not enough years between the first marriage and my sister to fit 9 years. Is he a cheater too? I am waiting for the big reply but I am now awful in need of advice on how to pass information to my big sister. What if she won't listen???
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2014): Whoa! You did a background check fit for a security clearance.
I'm sorry, but you went far beyond determining if the guy was still married; or wanted in another state. You dug up all his dirt. Now you'll lose sleep because you found out more than even you can handle. The thing is, she probably knows everything, and she's probably no angel herself.
Let me tell you, if you give any of that information to your sister prepare not to hear from her ever again.
That kind of information will cause irreparable damage between you as sisters. I hope you didn't give it to your mother. You would cause her way too much worry, and she would not be able handle nor withhold her knowledge.
You have too much information. Keep it to yourself.
You don't know how much she already knows, but preferred to keep between the two of them. You went from meddling and protective to intruding on their privacy.
It is all public information; however, you sister isn't going to take it as an act of love. She will see it as a character assassination on her boyfriend; that even the dirtiest of politicians wouldn't pull on a hated opponent.
If you love your sister; intervene only when asked. Stay out of her business. You went too far.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello.Well, I have not said anything to sis and I did not hear from his ex-wife again before I got cold feet and deleted the email account.Instead I did a lot of work using the internet. I found he fled his first marriage and 1 year old child and was served divorce papers in another city. Then he had two more children to his ex-wife in 1989 and 1992. He got into debt with a mortgage between 2001 and 2003 and had to sell.He had two restraining orders against him in 2001 and 2002. First to his to-be 2nd wife's ex husband and new wife. Second to his 2nd wife before they were married (in '02)Married for a 2nd time in 2007 to this same woman but lots and lots of debts for both of them.Charged with domestic abuse in 2007 (4 months after marriage) and had 2 years of probation. Marriage dissolved in 2009. Drink driving offence.More tax debts in 2011 and again Dec 2013: £5,500: still not settled.What on earth do I do or say?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 February 2014):
 I agree with Cindy too. 100%
She is an adult, not some naive 16 year old. You going behind her back and contacting the ex-wife is just.. nuts.
YOU don't have to like whomever she is dating.
If she ASKS you what you think of him you can tell her how you feel and suggest she does a $9.99 background check on him.
If you do "give" her this information which might not be 1005 true as the ex can be a scorned woman with an ax to grind, you will no doubt lose whatever contact you have with your sister.
WHY not instead keep reaching out to her in a social manner and spend time WITH her? Without the ulterior motive of breaking her relationship up?
My BIL dated a woman who claimed all kind of things and honestly I had a LOT of doubt, but HE is a grown-ass man so I wished him well. He did ask me what I thought if her and I told him I didn't think they were a great fit. As it turned out she was "dating another guy and just stringing my BIL along to have a man (my BIL) pay her bills.....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 February 2014):
 I agree with CindyCares 100%
My background sounds MUCH like your sister's boyfriend. I have x husbands, I have children. I have had debt and other issues. I was married to another when I met my current husband. NONE of these things I kept from my now husband. WHO BTW is 13 years YOUNGER than I am. He knew it all.
To assume your sister does not know is well just that AN ASSumption.
Your sister is an adult and is going to make her own choices... you telling her what you have sleuthed out, is not going to change her mind. It will however continue to cause a giant chasm between you two.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 February 2014):
 Maybe I be honest ? If I were your sister , I would be off the scene too. For the duration.
She, a 44 y.o. adult not mentally incapacitated, brings home her love interest. Your mom is not too inpressed. And this is enough for you to go hog wild on a secret investigation , behind her back, ( but that, maybe I can get it, a little sisterly , forgivable overprotectiveness ) and then, since you haven't found any really damning evidence ( it is not a crime to have had financial troubles at some point in life, nor being twice divorced, having 3 kids, etc.etc. ) take upon yourself to contact the guy's ex wife in the hope to stir up trouble ?
( Btw, what did you expect, I'd say that is not unlikely that a divorced wife can't find anything nice to say about her ex husband, or that she still holds a grudge, I'd say the possibilities are 50/50).
I don't know if I could forgive you if I were in your sister's shoes. The intention was good, probably, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
This is so disrespectful- and sneaky. It's not like the guy showed evident red flags , like , I don't know, being a heroin addict, and you tried to help out a sister too blinded by passion. The guy was - not super nice, and you " suspect " he was behind the rift ( which, first it's just your impression, you don't know, and second , it is like assuming that your sister is a moron who will give up her own famiky for the first pair of trousers who passes by )- and that's enough for you to interfere so heavily.
Who told you that your sister does not know about his past, money trouble, divorces and all, and it is fine with it all ? did you ask her ? She is 44, not 14, she has the right to make her own choices and even her own mistakes. If it will end up in tears, it means that this was a life lesson which she needed to learn. On her own. It's not because you are her sister that you can try and direct her whole life.
So you don't like your possible future BIL. Too bad. It happens. As long as he is not a conclaimed social danger, or a sociopath, there's nothing you should do about it.
He may be an imperfect human being, and perhaps even have among his faults that of having cheated on his first wife... you don't know, it's all guesswork. The second ex wife is obviously a prejudiced witness and as such not quite reliable. Anyeay, if your sister at 44 wants to take a risk with a man ( either knowing well that he is a cheater, or having chosen/ omitted to check all about his past love story ), I'd say that at her age she is well within her right without having to have the rest of the family comong down on her like a ton of bricks.
I think that , if you are really so concerned, maybe you should have just swallowed your pride , extended an olive branch, and gone to your sister saying " look, we had our differences, I know, but you are still my sister and I care deeply about you and I don't want to see you hurt. Maybe I am weong, but I have some concerns about your relationship with X, may I share them with you ?" etc.etc.
But meddling into her life to this extent, and without her consent-, .. I think if you tell her , you are going to destroy what's left of your relationship with her.
So, personally, I would just keep my mouth shut ( after all, SHE does not go snooping into YOUR partners' life, does she ? ) and I would hope for the best, trusting that sis will be capable to chew what she has bitten. And just offering support and comfort in case it is not so and I am proven right. Renouncing, mind you, to the self righteous pleasure of saying " I told you so !! ".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2014): If your sister is 45 years old, she is old enough to make her own decisions and deal with the consequences.
You did her a favor by following your gut and doing a background check. He has obviously neglected to give her any background on himself, and she has blindly accepted male-companionship for the sake of having a man.
Perhaps she may know more than you think; but she's willing to put up with it, and overlook his shortcomings.
You did it all in her best interest, and as a loving and protective sister. She will only see it as you poking around in her business; and digging up information she probably didn't want to know.
Then she'll be totally astonished that you contacted his ex-wife. Your well-intended meddling isn't going to get hugs and kisses in gratitude for that. The poop is going to hit the fan.
I am very protective of my siblings as well. I choose carefully when to insert my nose into their private lives and relationships.
I prefer they ask for my help. If I see a freight-train coming, I take the risk of intervening.
If I could save a sister from heartbreak, I'd take the chance of pissing her off. I couldn't bear knowing I could have stepped in to protected her somehow. I'd be prepared for the consequences; if I took the chance to stick my foot in it.
You can attempt to intervene to suit your own conscience.
There is a 50/50 chance she will either take it as an act of love, or you're interfering in her personal-life. If she is already under his influence; he will turn her against you. Count on it.
Fools in-love see what the want to see, and hear what they want to hear. If you try to open her eyes to what she doesn't really want to see; she will only foolishly try to prove how wrong you are about him. Somehow you'll turnout to be the A-hole. Prepare for the worst reaction, and hope for the best.
You're not talking about a 21 year-old inexperienced woman. Your sister is mature enough that she should be handing down advice to her own daughter. She is very deeply into this man; if she brought him home to introduce him to your mother. She is more than likely contemplating marriage.
I would take the chance to tell her what I know, tell her why I went to so far; and leave it up to her to take it from there. If she gets angry, let her get run-over by the freight-train. Apologize. You tried.
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A
male
reader, crushed_by_love +, writes (21 February 2014):
This will be hard for you to do but you have to let your sister find out for herself what he is really like. She won't thank you for interfering and you have way overstepped the mark by contacting his ex.She will most likely be bitter towards him and as such her opinions won't be unbiased. Its good that you want to protect her but she is 44 and needs to be allowed to make her own mistakes.Your role as a sister is to be there for her if the worst happens. Hopefully it won't though and she is going in with her eyes open.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): Don't expect a medal if you tell your sister she is dating a louse.. You have heard shoot the messenger well I would if I were you prepare myself for the biggest rift ever if you do this.I think the best approach would be to reach out to them both invite them around or out for dinner.. Say in his presence oo sweetie we must make a plan to meet monthly for lunch I've missed you so much .. And keep to it .. Do not interfere or tell her you contacted his ex .. Just be prepared to listen and tell her if she does confide in you, that your there for her..Peeps in love are often like alcoholics, they won't admit there is a problem until they are at rock bottom as long as he's not violent to her or in some kinda cult then I would let her run her own life ...We all learn from our own mistakes ,. If he is one .. Then he is her's .Take care x
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A
female
reader, KlassyKirsty +, writes (21 February 2014):
 There is a idiom which applies to this situation which is let sleeping dogs lie :) but however there is a distinction between intervening and giving wisdom and solicited guidance to your older sister. I would not disclose to anyone that you did your homework on this guys background otherwise u will end up inflaming the situation and you could end up with this guy on your case big time if he is as hostile as he sounds.
You did not do this to be sneaky but u did it out of concern for your sister ad you strike me as a very considerate caring person :) Your older sister is at the age where she should have enough discernment but a serious pep talk with her should not go amiss :)
Good Luck xxx
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