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Should I hold on to Alice? Break it off? And what about my wild partying?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 December 2018) 3 Answers - (Newest, 18 December 2018)
A male age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I've been in a committed relationship for all of my adult life (7 years). But alas, she moved away (far away) and left me single. I've decided to move on.

Lately, I've been seeing a girl I met online. Lets call her Alice. We have shocking amount in common and get along well. It also turns out she's good friends with one of my colleagues. We're both successful academics in highly technical, competitive careers. 'Turbo-nerds' would probably be the correct term.

So what's the problem(s)?

#1: My ex was a fiery red head with tattoos and piercings. Together we threw wild parties and got into all kinds of trouble like kinky sex, weed, even hiding from the cops one time.. I have a hard time imagining Alice being in to those kinds of wild adventures. That's probably a good thing, but I hear all the time about unhappy couples where one is into partying and the other isn't. I feel like I'm still young and I still have some party left in me.

#2: So far Alice and I have had creative, romantic dates. I havn't shown her my wild side at all because I'm afraid to scare her off. But her friend (my colleague) knows me very well. If Alice asks her about me, I'm afraid she won't like what she hears.

#3: Alice is 5 years younger than me. I'm almost finished my grad degree and looking for a job. The city I'm in now doesn't have many employers worth my time so I'll probably want to move somewhere else. Meanwhile, she's halfway through her undergrad and is planning to do grad school after (probably somewhere else). Its basically impossible that our paths will align, unless we make them..

So, should I hold on to a good thing and see how far it goes? Should I break it off and just be a bachelor until I figure out where I'll be in a year? Should I not worry so much about partying? I'm pretty sure I already know the answer but I'm curious to know what other people think.

View related questions: met online, move on, my ex, tattoo

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2018):

Alice is only 20, and still working on her undergrad degree. Keep your wild-side under control. She still has a way to go; and doesn't need you to throw her off-course.

Your drugs and kinky sex-was during your previous relationship. Maybe you ought to tone it down and try being an adult.

You should be demonstrating more maturity; now that you're preparing to find a career. Get focused, and be a good influence on Alice. Fun doesn't always have to be full-throttle and totally reckless.

If you haven't out grown your crazy frat-boy stage; why are you dragging Alice into your impetuous life-style? If that's not who she is, why would you introduce her to wild-sex and drugs when she's still in undergrad studies? You're a parent's nightmare!!!

If she discovers a few things about you; it's up to her to decide whether she should pump the brakes; or hit them, and come to a grinding stop! Just behave yourself! Try considering someone other than yourself!

What you did with one woman in your life, does not demand that you go into Phase II of party-boy mode with the next. When are you going to practice being a man, and let the party-boy sit it out?

Let Alice know what the career plan is. Don't try to turn Alice into your previous girlfriend. She's a different person; and she should be appreciated for who she is, and what her qualities and values are. Not what you turn her into; then leave her trashed, while you're off to the next chapter of your life.

Don't play Alice, with all intentions to run her life into the ground; and take-off for parts unknown in a year.

It's time to grow-up and try to make a man of yourself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2018):

I was worried when I met my online boyfriend. He loved to drink and party too. I went to church all my life and aside from church groups and sunday school, I don't 'hang out'. We were total opposites. The first time my boyfriend got drunk I didn't know what to do with him and just left him laying on the floor. It was kind of hilarious because when he woke up, he actually asked : You left me laying on the floor? He brought me to clubs and taught me how to dance and drink. I even went to a strip club with him and actually enjoyed myself. I never had more than one or two sips of fruity alcohol and never did drugs.

I brought him to church groups and gatherings with me and we'd volunteer at the local homeless shelter. We learned and understood each other's lives.

But guess what, my boyfriend is in his mid-thirties now and he stopped going clubbing and drinking. His body can't take it anymore physically and he thinks that I'm smarter than him and my mind is clearer because I never drank.

Point is, yes, when you are in your 20's you want fun and excitement. Trust me... we did it all. But as we age and mature, those forms of excitement is toned down... and you want someone who is capable of calming down with you. Versatility is very important in a relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2018):

It really all depends on if you are ready to and happy to let go of your partying ways or do you feel you will miss it?

For all you know Alice might not be all she seems because you are not showing her your true side?

If you are planning on moving away and she is staying put do you think a long distance relationship is doable or do you think you will be lured back into the party scene?

At the end of the day if you are ready to settle down then you will know, if you have doubts on compatibility, because clearly it would be unfair to ask her to change to suit you and your future plans then i think you already know the answer to your own question

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