A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:First of all we’ve been friends since childhood. Now we’re in our forties. I’m married with two kids. She’s single and looking. After a particularly bad experience with a man, she asked me for my honest opinion. And I gave it to her. I told her that even though she’s not to blame for being treated badly, choosing to go after and be in an unhealthy relationship was definitely is her responsibility. I advised her to look for a therapist (she knows I’ve been seeing one for a couple of years now). I told her that she can improve her life if she focuses on herself and starts respecting and loving herself.She’s been chasing an unavailable guy for a while now. She herself has told me so. She was aware of the fact that she was not really in love with him, but rather bored and he was the only one to spark her interest. Btw, she knew he had a girlfriend and she knew she was not the only one he had had casual sex with.Anyway, at some point he stopped responding to her emails. He would write to her occasionally, mostly when he needed something. She flew across the world to hear him give a speech, to surprise him. It went mildly bad. He wasn’t happy that she had come but he wasn’t angry either. They had a drink together, made out for a while and that was that.She decided she had had enough and started ignoring him and not responding to the emails he wrote. As you can guess all of a sudden he became interested! He even called her… but she stayed firm in her decision she didn’t want to see him. I was happy she finally turned a new leaf. Unfortunately, it turned out she was playing hard to get. When he visited our city, in the end she gave in and went out for a dinner with him. Even at that point she had too much to drink (her words). Instead of saying goodbye there and then, I have no idea WHY, she decided to find him later that night at a local bar, where he was having a drink with some of HIS friends. (I suspect that he wasn’t too happy to see her, he mostly ignored her). She stayed with them until they all decided it was the time to leave. And she continued drinking (again, her own words). As they were all saying goodbye, she just stood there on the other side of the street waiting for him to come to her so that they can say goodbye to one another. But he didn’t do it. When he started walking away, she ran after him wanting just to say goodbye, but he freaked out (apparently he was not on drugs), started yelling at her to stop chasing him, saying he didn’t love her and didn’t want to have sex with her and didn’t want to have anything to do with her. All of this was happening in front of his friends and some bystanders as well. His friends did nothing to calm him down. Not even when he started pushing her away and eventually pushed her so hard that she fell flat on the ground, hurting her arm in the process. The guy just walked away. She sent him and email telling him she never wanted to see him again…Now back to my question. I told her honestly what I thought, when she asked me to. It was pointless to talk only about him. Instead she should look at herself and question her motives, needs, desires etc. Why was she chasing someone who is unavailable? Why did she go looking for him on a bar after they finished dinner? Etc.Since then, I got radio silence from her. I have never said that she was a lunatic harassing a poor young man (yeah, he’s 9 years younger than her). I just told her that she did give him a reason to think she might be interested in him (she flew around the world to see him!) and he definitely has blown her interest out of proportion (this last part was a courtesy on my part, even though I think his reaction was an ATTACK and that she should have called the police).Now I’m thinking I should have just played dumb and listen to her bash the guy. But I don’t think it is productive. We have already been in that phase and it was destructive for her, focusing on the outside, looking for someone else to blame.I decided to wait for her to call me. If she doesn’t do it by the end of next week, I’ll call her… what have I done wrong?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2016): I have just seen the last two replies. Thank you both!I really appreciate the opinion of the anonymous female (even though I don't agree with it), who concluded that my friend is a bit of a wild one and that I should accept her or let her be... well, behind the description "wild one", there could be a serious PTSD, as we both went through a war. She was not born like this, at some point she became like this. (I didn't think it was necessary to explain the whole background when I first posted) When we shared an apartment, after the war, I used to ask her NOT to hitchhike, I even begged her not to do it. There was no need. Really, there wasn't. One evening she got into the wrong car. I helped her with doctor appointments. She didn't want to go to the police (unfortunately, she was right not to). Then we waited for the HIV results... She is by no means guilty for what had happened to her. But what saddens me is the fact that she could have avoided it. And she knows it too.HoneyPie, thank you for taking the time to answer. Now when I think of it, dramatic situation is when she feels alive. I really think that this could be a moment when she makes a final decision. She keeps saying that she feels miserable and asking "Why am I so sick?".Also this was the first time she asked for an opinion rather a shoulder to cry on.Anyway, thank you all once again!
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 February 2016):
 I think you did what a GOOD friend would do.
No, I don't think you should have lied to her. She ASKED you, so as friends I would presume she WANTED to know how YOU saw things.
I think her behavior is that of a stalker. It's not a healthy way to try and find a guy. For one, he has a GF and she knew that, yet STILL flew across the World to see if she could land him. I think he got a bit worried that that point. And while he should NEVER have stood there in the street yelling at her, again... If I had been in his shoes and some dude STALKED me like that? I would have freaked out too.
I think your friend likes drama. And I think she keeps herself "safe" by chasing men she KNOWS are not available. I don't think she is REALLY looking for a long term partner. I have a friend who is a bit (less extreme) like your friend. She STILL at the age of 45 have "lists" of what she wants in a man and expect to tick them all off in the first 3 months of dating. She also LOVE drama. She has "dated" some rather colorful guys who didn't treat her well, but they played into her love for "drama-llama extravaganza".
I'd let her be. Maybe she needed to hear another view. Sometimes we ALL know we are doing something that is not the best thing to do, but we ignore it. And sometimes you can't ignore it. Not everyone enjoys hearing about their own flaws. She might have come to you to vent about "him" and instead she got a few "home-truths". It might have been a little painful there.
Either she realizes that you didn't say it out of malice but out of care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2016): You are being kind of condescending and judgmental and like a know it all. Rather than talking to her as a peer you are talking to her like an authority, a disappointed parent or something.
I get it she's in her 40's and "should know better" and whatever. Maybe she should, maybe she shouldn't, maybe she'll never get it. Will never "figure it out."
I don't know a single person, single or married, who has a perfect relationship. It seems like you want her to fit into a cookie cutter mold of what you think is "right" and what "should" be and that's just not who she is. Maybe underneath it all she likes the "drama" or the excitement that comes with these men.
I think that is pretty cool that she travelled across the world to see this guys speech. She is obviously very ballsy. It's funny and it's a good story. She obviously likes the challenge. Maybe if it was too easy, she'd get bored.
That's who she is and you don't want to accept her as she is. You talking down to her is not going to change her. She's just going to pull away as she's already done.
You should be more open minded and less judgmental. Rather than judge her or snub your nose at her shenanigans, instead try to find the humor in it.
My friend went home with a guy one night that she'd just met and the next day after she left his house, she noticed he had robbed her, stole her license, passport and all her cash. She never saw or heard from him again. It's effed up but we were in tears laughing about it. Because it's so absurd and it's so typical of her to get in some situation like that. She didn't lose her job, she didn't lose her life, she didn't lose her health, she got a new passport.
Your friend is a bit of a wild one. That's just who she is. Therapy is not going to change her. Either accept her or don't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2016): Thank you so much for your answers!
I really care about her, she's like a sister to me.
And she has plenty of yes-men around her.
I still think that even in our forties we can do plenty to help ourselves and others, of course.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 February 2016):
 If you've been friends since childhood, then you are in one of two classes of friends. The ones who are with you, no matter what. Or the ones who are with you, as long as x y or z requirement is met.
You have now shown her that you are in the latter category, so don't be too surprised if she's not relying on you to have her back.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (13 February 2016):
 I don't think you've done anything wrong here.
She asked for your opinion and from what I've read, you gave her an honest and accurate one. She is into jerks and sleeze-balls and it is no surprise that she is single.
Unfortunately, a lot of people can't handle reality and other people's perception of them. And that means she is doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. And given her maturity level, it is no surprise that she has given you the cold shoulder.
I would take notes on this: your friend obviously needs to be treated with kid gloves when it comes to giving an honest assessment. It is unfortunate, because you care about her and want what is best for her.
I agree, give her some time to respond to you and then reach out. Even though you didn't do anything wrong, offer your apologies and say you are just looking out for her and want what is best for her. Also explain that you hate to see her get treated poorly.
Hopefully your friendship will rebound.
Thanks
Eddie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2016): The truth hurts...give her time, she will process it and even if it takes a long time, eventually she will concede you spoke the truth.
A true friend, now you wait for her to calm down and return to your friendship eventually.
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