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Should I have a lesbian affair?

Tagged as: Cheating, Forbidden love, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 June 2009) 8 Answers - (Newest, 25 January 2010)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I am a married, female, 40 years old with children. I've known I was gay since college, but have always hid it and have never been with a woman before.

I recently met a woman who is also in a relationship with another man. I am almost positive there is a huge connection and a potential for something sexual in nature to happen between us. Nothing has happened yet.

I fantasize about her all the time. At this point, I know it's not the ethical thing to do, but if I had an opportunity to be with her on the side, without my husband knowing, I would do it. I am at this stage where I feel like I only have one life to live, I'm 40 and time is ticking, and I want to fulfill my sexual desire for another woman.

I don't want to leave my husband or children, so if something were to happen between the other woman and me, I would have to be clear that I only want this to be our secret affair. I want to be fair with her feelings. If she is not in sync with me, then I won't get involved.

So, should I go for it, or not?

View related questions: affair, lesbian

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A female reader, Petra at home Germany +, writes (25 January 2010):

I don't know if you should tell your husband or not, it depends on how open minded he is and how much he loves you. But I have had a couple of lesbian affairs (one was deeply emotional) since I've been married with my husband's knowledge and permission. He is fine with it, isn't jealous and doesn't see it as competition with his male role. I actually think most men would be OK with the woman in their life being with another woman. If your husband is OK with you masturbating, he would probably be OK with you being with another woman. Good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2009):

babes you want the cake and the cream and any icing on the top. greedy now aren't you? why stop at an affair, come on, just leave the hubby and the kids. why be irresponsible only as a half measure, go the entire route, destroy what you have. if you were a male asking the same question the aunts here would be roasting you. but as per the norm here we mostly tend to look the other way/ condone female infidelity. we tend to be sympathetic and tactful in our approach.

however lets face facts shall we. adultery is wrong. you are wrong to want to have an affair, yet pretend to be a happily married woman. you want your sex on the side and the hubby and kids to come home to. time to give yourself a mental shake up. this is life- you can't have it all. you are selfish, self centred and arrogant, thinking that you can f*ck around and then go home to your husband. you are a lesbian, do not be ashamed of it. what you should be ashamed of is your contemplated affair. you are stealing your hbs resources, his life, his time by pretending. get with the programme. you have identified your sexual preference, so end the farce of a marriage, let your hb move on. he deserves better and you owe him this at least. you are not committed to him so release him from your bondage, release him from the falseness you have created in all your lives. you don't want to leave your hb and kids- the audacity of you. ethics/morals/integrity does this mean anything to you. you are living a lie and you are wasting your hbs life. do you want to be decent - then end the marriage. allow him the opportunity to meet a straight woman, someone who will love him as a man should be loved -totally and uncompromisingly. then go out and find the woman of your dreams. in this way both you and your hb can be free of each other and this farce of a marriage can be dissolved. finally. but you are selfish and greedy. you will not do the unselfish thing here. you will continue to use your husband. this is WRONG.

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A male reader, citic101 France +, writes (30 June 2009):

citic101 agony auntYES YES YES ....you should go for it.

You have only one life to lead you are at a great time to enjoy and explore. My girlfriend at 5 female lovers when she was young and always has happy memories of them.

Good luck

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2009):

Do you still have a happy marriage and a happy sex life? Are you sure that you are both happy? After all these years, you should have a pretty good idea about his views on lesbianism. Without going into too much detail, tell your husband how you feel about women in general (you don't have to tell him right away that there is a specific woman you want to sleep with). Men will go wild with anger if their wives sleep with other men, but a lot of men (not all, be careful!) don't really mind their wives sleeping with other women. After all, it does come at the top of the list of male fantasies. It's much, much better if husbands and wives don't have any secrets from each other. But you really have to bear in mind one thing: there is a very real danger that either you or the other woman will fall in love and your feelings for your husband will change, that you will stop loving him, and you'll just end up living as house mates. And that really will be the end of your marriage and your family.

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A female reader, XxCatie?babyxX United States +, writes (30 June 2009):

i think that its unfair to be stuck inbetween, but i think you should go throu with it, you can't deny that you want her and the more you wait the more depressed/desperate you will become to go with her. so as long as she agrees go for it.

good luck ;)

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A female reader, laura585 United States +, writes (30 June 2009):

I would never condone cheating. BUT you are a lesbian married to a man. "Coming out" would probably wreak havoc on your husband and childrens lives, you are right when u say 1 life to live. You are basically living a lie, but at least you are not lying to yourself, my heart goes out to you it really does. I cant make myself type the words to tell you that cheating on your husband is okay- but I'm not going to call you ugly names or put you down if you do. With only one life to live you might as well find what makes you happy, even if it is a sexual encounter with a female. Who knows maybe you will "come out" your family and children love you, hopefully they will understand and accept you for who you really are and support you for being so brave.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2009):

I would say you are risking too much. You have children and a husband to think about. This could possibly ruin your marriage and the relationship with your kids. I would recommend you leave it alone and let it just be a fantasy. As a matter of fact, your husband might even get off on simply hearing that you have a fantasy of being with another women. I know if my wife told me she had a fantasy like that and provided some details on what she wanted to do with the other woman it sure would spice spice things up in the bedroom. But if everything is okay the way it is don't do anything that will create chaos in your marriage later on. Not worth it.

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A male reader, dan026 United States +, writes (30 June 2009):

dan026 agony auntNo, you should not. While it is a woman, you would still be cheating on your husband and risking hurting your family. Regardless of agreements you two may make prior to starting a sexual relationship, you can never be sure that she will hold true to that. If you are gay, and feel you must act upon this, you must speak with your husband and go from there. Perhaps he will want a divorce, or maybe after some serious thought he will tell you to sleep with another women. This really depends on the man, and I know men who would react either way. Just don't do it behind his back.

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