A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Iam 30 yrs old and married to a wonderful, extremely caring, gentle and patient guy for the last 4 years and we share a common passion for holidays, food, wine, countryside etc. which we enjoy doing together. I couldnt ask for a better husband, there are however two big issues i face - i have a high sex drive and we are not sexually compatible - the last time was over a year ago, neither of us initiate it and i just dont fancy him. I am ashamed to say that i have cheated on him on more than 1 occasion to make up for the lack of it. The second issue is that he is very lazy, doesnt have much of a drive/ambition in life, being an extremely laid back kind - has been jobless for sometime and i am not sure will put much effort into finding something. I find this very annoying as i like people who have a purpose in life. We are financially ok. Do i leave my sexless but reasonably comfortable and secure marraige and see what else is out there, aware that i maynot ever meet a guy who will quite match my husbands care and affection towards me, or have as much compatibility in say holidays etc,, or do i stay put?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2009): I would bet he is satisfying himself and is very selfish to not want to share that special bond with you. ( As are women selfish who refuse to enjoy a mutually satisfying sexual relationship).
Perhaps he feels embarrassed and inadequate.
Usually men who feel too uncomfortable to share a sexual partnership turn to porn.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): thanks guys, really helpful. i still cant make a final decision but atleast i dont feel like a awful selfish person thinking that i expect too much out of life and i should be happy with what i have!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): Get out of there NOW. You can share common interests and trips to the country with any friend. You should have enough respect for yourself and for your mate to want love, joy, passion in your marriage. He deserves that, too.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Phil + ♥, writes (30 July 2009):
 Has one of you had a win on the lottery or something? You have a common interest in holidays, wine, food etc, you're financially ok yet he doesn't have a job? How is that? Are you a sort of Paris Hilton or Amy Winehouse character perhaps?
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister  + ♥, writes (30 July 2009):
 From what you've described, it's like you have a best friend. Some place the most importance on the companionship aspect of a marriage but most need a balance which would include regular sex. Personally, going without sex with my husband for over a year would really concern me- this is more than just a low sex drive.
Before you make any life altering decisions, I would really suggest you go to a sex therapist. There may be herbal medications he can take or he may have low testosterone and these things can be corrected.
If it comes down to just a lack of overall interest in sex, yes, I would consider leaving this marriage because you deserve more than just a best friend- you should have a partner that meets your needs and this one isn't currently but I would investigate why first, okay?
I think you know cheating isn't the answer and whatever the outcome, you don't want to unnecessarily hurt him with that kind of behavior. I wish you the best and take care.
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