A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:After 5 years of relationship and 10 years of marriage,which both work and I washappy with a lot of things,but in the middle of the marriage things started to happening.At the beginning of our marriage he would play a game like loosing his wallet everyday and freaking out. After many months I told him to stop that and the next time I wouldnt care about it and the wallet thing stopped.He would have a fit with traffic jams,bills to pay,and I was trying to helping with my salary,giving all that I could.Like my sister-in-law and her husband all the time asking for baby sitting her kid, and my husband wanting me to help them.And my husband having many women friends that he was helping all the time.His last girl friend asked him to help her move to another state and he told me I could not go because she'd bring her 4 cats and I'm allergic.Later on, he didnt do it and I thought that he was trying to see if I was upset with the sittuation.He was testing me.I dont know why,because was after 8 years of marraige,and I was all the time helping him,doing my best.One of his female friend,which was his ex passion from high school,started asking him towork with her,and he would do anything for her.Another thing started to happening,he met a women from internet and got to be his huge friend,and he started to chat,and calling her at home.She would then call and ask for help with her depression,and even I helped her a lot.Later on,he started sending her some small gifts to make her happy.When I asked him to stop seeing those women he said he would not,that was his life.And we had a different type of marriage that people wouldnt understand,we were much open.He said I could divorce him if I wanted,but he wouldnt change a bit.He then lost his wallet again,but I didnt care for the drama.Everything happening at the same time I lost a family member,and I really couldnt bear it.I left him.My husband sent me messages to go back to him,that he missed me a lot.I asked again that he would stop seeing/chatting and sending and giving presents to those women and he said no, but he missed me and wanted me back.I went to a friend's house.Let say,a rebounder.I went there and had a good time,meeting new people and I did found out that I have many potential that I wasnt having in my marriage.I was letting my husband taking all my power. I was practically being a doormat,a slave. Like my aunt told me I didnt have a backbone anymore and my husband didnt care if I exist.I had a great time with my friend / the rebounder,but he couldnt cope with a relationship.Maybe I was too depressed,too damaged.But I still get to manage many things,like meeting so many wonderful people that really matters and wanted to have friendship with me.I found out that I can do many things by myself and I am strong and intelligent.I even got a scholarship to finish my Doctors Degree in Arts !Still,I had to go back because of money. I dont have many now to pay for my rent and food.Also,the rebound started to behave very diferently. Before, he was kind and wanted me as a friend,but after I met his friends,made new freinds,got small jobs,even got a good school to finish my Doctor's degree, he started to get sick,and went crazy! Even his mother had to come to me and tell me to leave him because he didnt know how to live with anyone.Later he said I promised many things and didnt do the things that I was supposed to do like going out and leave him alone,and give him space ,but I wanted to watch movies,and stay with him,but he wasnt prepared for all that connection. A friend of him told me that he was weird.That he was nice with me at the begining just to have me .He practically asked me to leave,and we could be friends,but he wanted to be alone,he couldnt bear to be with anyone.So, I left. Now I am alone. I dont know what to do. Some friends send me messages to get a lawyer and fight for my rights.I dont know.I might send mix messages to man. They might think I can be a servant to them.Weird because I am from a wealthy family,have degrees in Art,speak 3 languages ( would be 4 if my English was better though),I look nice -people say that I am beautiful.I dont know.My husband used to say that I am sweet,and not a typical ""american bitch woman "".That I dont go after money like them and I dont use sex to ""buy myself".His freinds thought,always,in a way treated me in a kind of condecended matter.I am completely lost. I love my husband,but I dont know if I can go back to that life again,his life in a way.Should I go back to him with a set of new rules? Would he change?I would love some recommendations,some insights if you could help me.Thank you so much.
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depressed, divorce, his ex, money Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 April 2014):
Unfortunately he won't change. The reason I know for sure is that people will usually promise the world to you to get you to come back. He won't even promise to stop seeing other women, so why would you waste your time? Make a clean break and wait for someone who's better for you and to you.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 April 2014):
 Let's go to this part of your submittal: "I am completely lost. I love my husband,but I dont know if I can go back to that life again,his life in a way.Should I go back to him with a set of new rules? Would he change?"
1. No, you shouldn't "go back"... because.....
2. "new rules" won't mean a thing to him. He knows that you are content to be his foot-wiping mat.... so he has no incentive to improve and become a civilized human being...
3. You may "love (your) my husband..." but it's perfectly clear that he gives not a whit about you.... (Never MIND that you might HOPE that he "loves" you!!!!)..
There's nothing in your submittal to indicate that there's any form of "marriage" or "relationship" here. You simply describe a man who has hoodwinked a woman (you) to be an accessory in his life....... Dump his sorry a$$, and get on with making a new - and MUCH BETTER - life for yourself.
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (15 April 2014):
 No, I say don't go back.
Your rules mean nothing because you have no way to enforce them. You've already given him terms and he's declined them.
He said he misses you but not enough for him to change his behaviour.
Speak to a lawyer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2014): Has you ex-husband expressed a desire to get back with you since the relationship with the rebound guy? Or was that just when you first broke up? He may not want to get back with you now that you have been with some-one else.
How long were you with the rebound guy? If you left your ex-husband more than 6 months ago, then he may well be moving on and not want to reconcile.
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