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female
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*lexia
writes: Hi all anyones help will be great. Here is the problem I have been married for almost four years now and have a beautiful three year son. However, a year ago my husband we will call him Jim and I split and have just started talking about trying again. Then out of nowhere my ex we will call him Mike emails me and starts telling me how sorry he is for things that happen in our relationship. So my problem is that while I am married to Jim I have always been in love with Mike. Mike and I were great together but just to young to stay together. Jim and I didn't really know each other when we got married but as I said We are almost at our four year mark and our son is three so you can guess why I married him. I have never been in love with Jim but he loved me and I thought that would be enough and that I would grown to love him and that I would fall in love with him in time. Now almost four year and a baby later and I still am not in love with Jim. I can't make myself be in love with him. I love him as a friend but I am not in love with him. Now here is the questions I have Is it wrong to go back to jim and be with him just for my son even though I am in love with Mike? Should I go to Mike who is in love with me?
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reader, Alexia +, writes (17 October 2006):
Alexia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all it is me Alexia again. Ok let me give you guys some more information so maybe you can help more. Mike and i were together for 2 years we have been broken up for 5 years now. I have never completely lost contact with him. I have seen him and everything is the same. I thought it might be different when we saw each other that maybe that spark we had would be gone and then I saw him and it wasn't gone. He was my first love and I was his the reason we broke up is because we were both going away to college and we didn't think we would be able to keep it up. We broke up on good terms. Jim and I met pretty soon after that because we were going to school together. We went on a couple of dates, he knew all about mike. Mike and I had decided that we would see other people and when we were done with school that we would see where we were. Jim is also in the military and right around the time that we had been going on dates but not being serious for 5months rolled around he told me he was getting activated for the war in Iraq and asked me to marry him I said I needed to think about it. Then the day before he left for training I slept with him for the first time I thought one night no big deal and that he was going to war I kinda felt bad not to. Well 4 weeks later Jim calls me and what do you know I had just found that the one night very big deal I was pregnant with my son Talon. So then he said we have to get married and both oujr families were pushing for it and so I kinda felt like I had to marry him. He was going to war and I was having he child how could I say no now. Well I did it and then it all turned out to be a big lie and he knew the whole time that he wasn't going to Iraq he was just going to be in California the whole time. Now the unpleasant deal of telling Mike. I called him and he cried on the phone with me for 6 hours. He told me that he didn't care to leave Jim and he would raise the baby as his own. I told him at the time as much as I wanted to I couldn't then. However, last year was the biggest change in Jim and my marriage when I was raped by someone very close to me and Jim didn't really believe me even when I found I was pregnant and got rid of it he didn't believe me he said that it was my fault and that the baby was Mikes and I had been sneaking around behind his back and that is why I didn't want to have the baby. He knows that I don't believe in that at all. Mike and I hadn't even seen each other at that point. Now though I felt like I had no where else to go. Jim my own husband had told me that it was my fault if that did happen I must have been asking for it. So I went to mike and he dropped everything and just held me. So you Jim and my marriage wasn't really abusive but mentally it was because he talked down to me and always thought about how things affected himself not our family. Mike has always been there. Now what do you think I should do?
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female
reader, LadyK +, writes (16 October 2006):
hmm hard one to answer, but read what i have to give, this may or may not help...Mike loves you but does he love your child??You and your son come as a package, is Mike willing to take on the responsablity of both of you? Or go with the your son's father who loves you and your son and is willing to look after both of you?think about it? it's your choice..just which is the better outcome?think about the long term affects.
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female
reader, HaveEarWillListen +, writes (16 October 2006):
Hi there. I can't tell you what to do, but I will say that the one thing that I believe should be at the forefront of your decision making process is what would be best for your child. Now, if you and Jim separated because of abuse, obviously staying with him wouldn't be good for either you or your child. There's a lot of information I don't have about Mike, such as how long ago your relationship with him was, or how long you've been back in touch with him, or what the reasons were that relationship collapsed. If you lost touch with Mike over an extended period of time, or haven't been back in touch with him long, it's possible there have been a lot of changes to his personality and lifestyle that you aren't aware of yet that could be bad for your child. Whatever you do decide to do, you should monitor how your child responds to it carefully. Also, be very careful that you are actually in love with Mike, and not the wistful memories of a happy young relationship or the idea of fixing whatever might have gone wrong in your original relationship together. Good luck!
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