A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a single mom who's daughter is now off to college. I have never received any child support etc. I have my own business and have worked for the past 20 years in my profession. I have been engaged to a very nice man for 2 1/2 years. We both have been married previously and both have adult children. His children have graduated college- one is married. Since the beginning of our relationship he has talked to me about quitting my work and just allowing myself to be taken care of. He has told me that he will provide for me and has a prenup that spells that out. Basically giving me what I net in salary now.I have resisted this proposition in the past as I have always earned my own money. Also I want to feel like we are building a life together. All of his current assets are in his family trust. I understand his concern and on one hand completely understand that he feels vulnerable. On the other hand I am having a hard time swallowing this down. He wants to keep his home and for me to move out of mine, he would like me to sell my business and just be his wife. I feel uncomfortable moving into his house without totally remodeling it. It looks like a museum instead of a home. With the fall of the economy and the size of the house it feels scary to invest that kind of money to remodel.He bought a vacation home a year ago and we started spending some time. It felt good to have a place that was "ours" and not from either of our pasts. Long story short - one of his daughters came to stay with us and ended up telling me she wouldn't respect my rules because I had not financially contributed to the house etc. She left the house a mess according to our housekeeper who called her a "disrespectful girl". In addition there have been a couple of times when my fiance has lied to me or held back information- both of these times were involving his daughters.I love my fiance. He is a good man. He is a very generous person. I feel that he gets railroaded by his daughters. I have a lot of pride and do not want to feel that I can not be myself in order to get a long with his daughters. I have tried to keep my opinions to myself but I am increasingly resentful. We recently went to stay with one of his daughters (he bought the house) and it was filthy. I don't want to move into his house and for his adult daughters to come home and just take over. There are many other issues too... I just feel discouraged. They have made comments that I should pay for meals etc when we go out to dinner- I feel that is not their place to make these sort of comments. He says they are kids and I should not be affected, but I am only 9 years older than his oldest daughter. My fiance is 22 years my senior.I feel unsafe emotionally to not earn my own money at the same time it is nearly impossible to maintain a successful business while being in a relationship with him. In the past 3 1/2 years I have made considerably less money. He wants to travel and retire.I have tried to talk to him but I end up so upset and shut down. Our wedding is at the end of this year. It is hard for me to envision myself- a working girl being taken care of .... and also at the same time it feels like a trap. I want to be able to have our life, our home. I feel like I am not going to have a voice. Help!
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (18 July 2010):
 No you should not get married. Your lives are not compatible. While you have chemistry, it seems that is all you have. Basically what he wants in a wife, is not what you want in a future. Two people who can not agree on the shape of the future relationship should not get married.
The difficulties with his daughters are pretty normal conflicts between mature, or nearly mature women. His insistence on providing for all the women in his life, is hurting their development as much as it is frightening you. For much the same reason. They are dependent on him, you don't want to be dependent on him.
At his age he is comfortable and very capable with the role of provider. It is hard to move a man out of his comfort zone. He may not realize it, but your independence is part of what he is attracted to. If you sell your house and business, and become dependent, he will lose some of that attraction.
I think you are better off to continue to date him. I think his daughters should stop coveting his wealth and time and let him spend them how he wishes while he is alive. I think he should take a closer look at what it is that he admires in you. In the end you are both some ways away from being ready to get married.
FA
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 You need to tell him and tell him quickly. It's a big thing to shut down your business and depend on a man's money, as you have said it leaves you financially and emotionally too dependant.
You know there is a compromise to this. You will be a full time wife, but as he has a housekeeper there is no reason for you to look after house full time too..
Wind down the business to manageable levels, see if you can do it part time with a manager. Keep house or spend free time with him part time too. Or maybe shut down the business completely, but then find some paid or voluntary work maybe 3 or 4 months of the year.
About his daughters.. I would start being very rude to them and reminding them as an adult I didn't ask their opinion and I am uninterested in advice from rude children.. yes I would put it just like that.. and be nasty enough to remind them that there is no reason for me to be available when they want to visit mine and my husbands house.. Since he wants your company, I don't think he'd be happy with you refusing to socialise with his rude adult brats.
Sorry, I know they are probably worried about him because he is rich and you may be younger. But since they have their own lives to lead, I don't think it's fair for them to want to chase you away and make you unhappy, so he either has a bad relationship or is left alone again. Fight your corner, polite and cold if necessary, but don't let them walk all over you. And never appologise because you have done nothing except fall in love with their father, who is a single man..
Just a naughty bit of power play to remind them that you have a lot of control in the situation as you will be wife and partner and they live further away.
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A
male
reader, $izZle  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 I understand your pain :( look what he is doing is not nice to be honest with you and besides i don't think i would want to stop doing something that make me feel good about my self ...I feel like your business and what you do defines you and if you stop doing that you loose your identity... I think that you need to put your foot down at this moment before it is too late and let him know that you have a life of your own and you want to keep that bit of freedom that you have to have your own space ... it is important that he learns to accept your choices in life, after reading what you wrote I'm feeling very sad coz he don't seem to respect your choices ... it takes 2 ppl who love to build a home and not money or property ...and a person who loves you would give you the freedom to make your own choices in life ... just ask yourself 1 question are you willing to live your life being told what to do and what not to do.... ?By what you said i see that you really do love him a lot and i feel that he is a lucky man to have a woman like you in his life ... some1 that cares and wants to make a difference in his life you are taking what he has to say and things from his girls ... but what about you i don't like that he is trying to suppress your voice like this .. i think that you need to confront him and tell him how things are and fix this b4 you get married to him HIS GIRLS ARE NOT KIDS ANYMORE they are grown up and need to take care of themselves ... pls for the love of god do something about it :(( coz i don't think you will be happy living with a man who wont respect the choices of a woman he is with no matter how much you love him you will end up hurt so pls take some time off and think about it ... if he couldn't understand you in 2 and 1/2 years how can you think of getting married that man... you have had to work with no man and support you kid you had no freedom im sure coz you had to either take care of your kid or work ... i know it was hard and now you have some time to be yourself and be happy and i want you to be happy :( sometimes life just isn't fair but that's just how life is some times you don't what you want but you need to go on with your life you don't need to be a millionaire to be happy all you need is some 1 to share with some1 that loves you truly and respects you enough to care for you and lets you make your own choices and gives you your own space ... pls take care of you ... i know i might said somethings that you didn't like and may be a few things that you will hate me even ... i don't know you and you don't know me but i know how soar life can get :( pls do find it in your heart to forgive me and im sorry for such a long message .... i don't think age,skin colour should matter when it comes to love and i don't think he is the right man for you ...
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