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Should I get it overwith and have a one night stand to lose my virginity?

Tagged as: Sex, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 July 2010) 13 Answers - (Newest, 30 July 2010)
A female Ireland age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Ok, so I'm only a few months off 21, and I'm still a virgin. Not feeling quite as alone in this as I just read another post from a 21 yr-old girl in a similar situation, but regardless, I feel that it's time to lose my virginity. I've never had a boyf, only ever been on one date with a guy, and if I'm being honest, I think I'm ugly; I am overweight, but to be fair I don't think that should mean that I'm the girl that guys only look at as a last resort. I'm sick of waiting around to find someone who'll appreciate me for who I am, and not just assuming I'll be grateful for any attention that comes my way. What my question is is should I just go out there and get it over with in a one night stand? I know that many people feel this is a bad option, but why? I just don't want to be the freak who's still a virgin at 40 because she waited in the hopes of finding someone decent to share her life with...

View related questions: one night stand, overweight, still a virgin

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 July 2010):

olderthandirt agony auntNo..no..no! You save that gift for your true love it's not something that you need to get it over with. Trust me, my wife was not a virgin and I've worried over that nearly every day of our 46 years together that "HE" was better than me or bigger or whatever. One hymen one love

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010):

Thanks guys for the responses, it's good to know there are others out there who aren't so worried about virginity status! Looking through the answers, I guess the one-night-stand route is definitely not gonna happen, you're right, there are so many reasons for it to be a bad idea. Gonna try not to be so preoccupied with this, and go along with some of the advice given. (And the girl who wrote about being a 40-year-old cat lady, you're both funny and right). Thanks again, you've made me re-evaluate some of my priorities!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010):

Thanks guys for the responses, it's good to know there are others out there who aren't so worried about virginity status! Looking through the answers, I guess the one-night-stand route is definitely not gonna happen, you're right, there are so many reasons for it to be a bad idea. Gonna try not to be so preoccupied with this, and go along with some of the advice given. (And the girl who wrote about being a 40-year-old cat lady, you're both funny and right). Thanks again, you've made me re-evaluate some of my priorities!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010):

Save your virginity, and make this decision when you are 25. I was a late bloomer I guess, felt the same as you probably do, but I am so glad I waited!

I dont think you will need to make the decision when you are 25 as I think you would have found someone by then, however, although virginity is special... you should have a one night stand when you are 25 to prevent your development being impacted (I mean your interaction with the opposite sex etc.) if you haven't lost it by then. It shouldnt be a "one night stand" if that happens but you could lose it out side of a relationship... just make sure he treats you well.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010):

i know what it's liek to feel like that but trust me, stop thinking about it. Find ways to make yourself feel good first WITHOUT sex. Increase your confidence because true beauty really isn't something anyone is born with. Start going to the gym (maybe some dance classes) or just for casual walks if you think you're overweight. Do it because you want to, because it makes you feel good not because you want to lose heaps of weight. You probably won't see results straight away but you'll feel so much better and eventially look it.

Give yourself the respect you deserve and others will start treating you with that respect. You don't want ot come off desperate. Anyway sex is just sex. There is so much more to life than just finding someone to be with!

In my opinion confidence is key, good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010):

I was stupid sadly enough to lose my virginity to a one night stand - wasn't planned but i couldn't say it didn't just happen either. There was opportunity that appeared whilst i was curious and i allowed myself to explore. Bit regret as he ran the hell away from me the next day and i can't ever share the truth with anyone as to how i lost my virginity. I just tell people it was my first boyfriend. It doesn't feel good to have to lie personally. I wish i had waited but like yourselves i was older (although older than 21 so i really should have known better) and feeling left of the shelf. I was curious and stupid - ofcourse its not totally ruined my life or anything. I think its helped a little bit in forming the person i am today because i would never ever be so stupid again. I'm happier with me and i can't believe i allowed myself willingly to be used ... but since i did and i can't change it, i've learnt from it so its not a total wasted experience. Also, i had to get loads of STI and STD tests because i didn't know where the guy had been - for 4 months i was freaking out over the possibility i had HIV or something just as deadly. Thankfully i turned out clean but you really don't want that worry. Whatever you decide - do it for you. Who cares if you are a 21 year old virgin?!?! You'r so young in the eyes of the universe and your time too will come :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010):

You should save your self for your true love, Marriage better. Virginity is something pure for a woman. I wish I saved myself, have lots of regrets.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010):

Im 20 and Im still a virgin. Dont be ashamed youll find somebody, just like I will someday.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010):

that was probably my post that you read lol im a 21 year old virgin chick too... and i know how it feels to never have someone who truly cares for you and loves you, its a very empty feeling, it makes me feel like im not worthy enough to experience real love and i should just settle for some horny bastard who wont even remember my name. it can be very depressing to know you cant even get a guy to even want to date you! i havent had a boyfriend yet either..i cant even attract a man to actually want to be with me..so pathetic...ive been hoping for years now that maybe ill get a boyfriend soon and it'll happen and at least i lost my virginity to a boyfriend who cared for me BUT no! the years keep going by and im just getting older, with no man ever taking a liking to me. it really sucks and as a result i have NO self esteem/confidence. so believe me i have felt like maybe i should just lose it in a one night stand so i dont turn out to be the old cat lady BUT i came to the conclusion that i would probably feel worse about myself if my first time was meaningless to someone i wasnt even 100% attracted to, like imagine talking with friends and they ask 'so how did you lose your virginity?' and you have to say 'some dude i met at a bar, i only known him for 3 hours, and he was a drunken fool. basically a one night stand' like i would hate to ever have to share a pathetic first time story like that! that would make me want to lie about it or never share my first time story with anybody b/c i would feel ashamed and like a complete loser. and for sure if anybody found out you lost your virginity (especially at your age, youre an adult) to some dude that didnt care about you, they would definitely lose respect for you b/c you didnt have any respect for yourself. and honestly if i ever chat with you again and i find out you put out to some guy who you never seen again, ill truly be disappointed. i know that the 'old virgin cat lady waiting for mr. right' future isnt appealing but losing your virginity just to lose it isnt either. so i will suggest to you maybe you should join match . com, it'll be easier to meet guys b/c you actually know that they want a relationship too, im thinking about joining soon and i probably will, at least try, maybe ill meet the best guy ever and be proud i waited for somebody great.

i wish you the best of luck, to me you are someone special that deserves to be treated right and you shouldnt settle less!

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A female reader, nadia07 Malaysia +, writes (29 July 2010):

I totally disagree with having a one-night stand just for the sake of losing virginity. Maybe I am conservative, but I will regret for the rest of my life if I have sex with someone whom I don't even love. That is because the 'FIRST' experience is most often the one that is always remembered. Be proud of being a virgin, it is actually hard to get a virgin these days. :)

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A male reader, Odds United States +, writes (29 July 2010):

Odds agony auntYou won't be a freak who is still a virgin at 40 (those are rare, but virginity alone hardly makes one a "freak"), so first thing you have to do is take a deep breath and calm down.

If you think your weight and looks are holding you back from getting male attention, you have two options. You can A) complain about the injustice of it, or B) lose the weight and learn to use makeup. It's the female equivalent of a guy learning that girls will never appreciate how hard he worked for his level 80 Paladin. Your appearance and habits *are* part of who you really are, and are rightly taken into consideration.

Really, you don't want ot be seen as the girl who is grateful for any attention, but you are considering just giving up your virginity to some random guy to avoid being single forever? I sense cognitive dissonance. Particularly given that virginity (or being as close to it as possible) are attractive qualities in long-term girlfriends and wives. GIving it up at random is habit-forming, and a good way to sabotage your long term.

I can tell you that most (but not all) girls regret losing their virginity to whoever they lose it to, and I'm sure one-night stands have near 100% regret rates. What you need to do is learn to be happy as a single girl (tough to do, but possible). Self-loathing is always unnatractive, even in the short term.

Also, reexamine the type of guy you are into. It is possible you are ignoring some perfectly servicable guys who you simply have not considered before. Find a nice guy, one who does not ask out many girls, and ask him out instead.

Good luck!

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A female reader, Artistry United States +, writes (29 July 2010):

Artistry agony aunt..Hi there, First of all whose business is it that you are still a virgin, but your own? That is a special thing whether you think so or not. There is one time that you have sex for the first time, and believe me it hurts a little bit. So to have a one night stand where the person doesn't even care about your feelings seems a bit rash to me. There is no time limit in my mind on losing one's virginity. Some women opt and stand by it, that they will not have sex until married, which is their choice.

Stop puting yourself dow. I remember being on a cruise and having a distant crush on this musician guy. At the disco he had chosen to be with this woman who was twice my size, but he liked her. There are people who will appreciate you for you. Stop pressuring yourself and calm down please.

Once you have sex you open up another door. You don't know if that will make you horny and you will start running around just looking for any guyto have sex with or not. There's more to it than just losing your virginity, find someone you trust, perferably an older woman and confide in her, see what she says.

It would be nice if you shared that first experience with someone who cared.

Want to lose weight, start chewing your food into baby food

consistency, drink eight glasses of water a day, eat multiple small meals instead of three large ones. Buy a jump rope and use it. Be your own best friend and don't do something you might regret. Get a hobby and get your mind off of your virgin state. Now a days it's a good thing to be a virgin with everything that is floating around. Stay in touch. Be proud to be a virgin. "o)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010):

no dont have sex just to have sex im 23 years old and i know your curios .you should really try to find someone you really like and have feelings for before you have sex.it will be awesome if you lose your virginity with someone you love.if you have sex just out of curiosity,yoiur going to look back one day and regret it becouse that person that takes your virginity wont care.do you want to lose your virginity like a trash basket?

the guy cumes and thayts it?dont do that take your time and start making smart desiciones!sex is not going to be enjoyful if you do it with arandom stranger .im not some christian fool our anything like that.im telling you the first time should be a heartfull experience not a joke.and sex is not that big of a deal either dont rush it!!

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