A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for over fifteen years and unhappy with my wife for most of that time. After our son was born she developed depression, and to this day she is a changed person - she's nervous, irritable, she shouts and swears, and she hates kissing me and goes for months without wanting sex at all. She's been in therapy for years - she says it helps, but I haven't noticed the difference. If we were the only two people in this relationship it would be easy - I would have left her years ago, but we have a son in his early teens and a young daughter, and our son is terrified of us splitting up.I told my wife that I was leaving because I feel she doesn't love me anymore, but then she agreed to go to marriage counselling. The problem is that I really don't see a future for our relationship, so I'm really just going through the motions at our counselling sessions. The thought of spending another ten or fifteen years with her is so depressing. I have made one resolution - if it ever gets so bad that I feel an uncontrollable urge to hit her or kill myself (sometimes it feels so bad), I'm going to walk, because that will be the least bad solution.Financially I can afford a divorce, so that isn't an issue. I know that you can't really tell me what to do, but I so need to speak to someone, just to get it off my chest, and I have no one else.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): I suffered depression and found relief, surprisingly enough, by having my fillings replaced. The mercury in the "silver" fillings was causing all kinds of physical and emotional problems. Once I had the fillings replaced, I felt like a new person. It was very expensive, but you said money is not a problem. Also, detoxing afterwards is a must. Look for a naturopathic doctor in your area for help and direction in how to go about this safely. Another cause of MY depression was my husband's porn habit. If you are into porn, giving it up and making your wife you resource for enjoyment will change a lot of things. A wife knows when her husband's affections are not directed at her and this causes her to withdraw from him, physically and emotionally.Praying for you an answer besides divorce...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWith reference to Ginalolabridga, yes if she changed back, I would be happy with her. I know this because it has actually happened a couple of times. Like most people being treated for depression, she has had plenty of different medications, and a couple of times over the last decade she has gone onto a new medication and become totally normal again - just like the woman I married. But then, I don't know why it happens, the meds seem to stop working after just a few days, and she gets irritable and depressed again.I read a statistic in one medical journal recently which came as a bit of a shock - more than 90% of marriages where one partner suffers from bipolar disorder (and she does display manic phases sometimes) ends in divorce. So I can't help thinking it's only a matter of time.
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A
female
reader, Green Hills +, writes (20 August 2009):
 Hi. First may i say im very sorry to hear that your wife was unwell following the birth of your first child. And also im sorry to hear that you have been unhappy for most of your time with your wife! Maybe you should start by being honest with her about the counselling and say it isnt working for you. The fact that she wanted to try it to save your marriage, suggests that she does indeed love you. But you both sound as if you are very unhappy and your children are clearly aware of this, your son in particular. Is this really the way for any of you to live? Obviously you feel not, as you mention ending things by walking out or worse. Maybe you should consider a break from each other for a few weeks and see how that feels before you commit to anything more permanant. Whatever route you take, i hope you find a resolution soon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is the reason we had a second child, and it is probably the stupidest thing you've ever heard. We have a family friend who is a GP. She told us that after her first child was born she also suffered very badly from depression for many years and was a changed person, then she got pregnant again and after the second child was born she was fine again. Just like she used to be. I know it sounds ridiculous - it's like the idea that if someone loses their memory after a blow to the head they will recover it after a second blow. It was this GP who actually suggested that a second child would help.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (20 August 2009):
 Yes, of course you should get a divorce if, AND ONLY IF, you're giving us the full story.
Spending another ten or fifteen years with someone you don't love and who doesn't love you isn't doing anyone any favours - and certainly not the children if your wife is shouting and swearing at you all the time.
As for the children, you need to take it slowly and carefully. Kids are very resilient, but it will be far less stressful for everyone if they understand all the reasons and know that they're NOT losing either of you - you and your wife are simply not together any more, but that DOESN'T mean you're not the same father to the children you've always been or that you love them any less. They MUST understand that.
One small point: you say you've been unhappy with your wife and things have been this way for most of the fifteen years you've been married? And yet you went ahead and had another child? Consider: why did you do that? My question is not intended to be a criticism, but it's relatively rare for parents with one child to then have another if the marriage doesn't have at least some foundation to it. Is it worth looking for? Is it worth looking back and working out why the two of you married in the first place and decided to have children? If there is still SOMETHING worth salvaging between you, then now's the time to look for it and find it.
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A
female
reader, devastated2008  +, writes (20 August 2009):
 Before you go for divorce go back to that counselling and spill it all... all the anger, resentment, hurt, humiliation, every bit of it. Tell her and your counselor about your lack of willingness to pursue the marriage. Then challenge your wife to spill it all too.
At first it is going to feel terrible to say your darkest feelings and to hear hers, but IF there's any hope for your marriage it all has to be purged so that you both can start with a clean slate. She may very well not be able to handle your feelings or you hers, but if it can't be worked past then you will have your answer.
If you walk now without doing this you are going to carry it all into your next relationship and you will be unnecessarily hurting a lot of people especially your children. You need to finish your business here before you even consider moving on.
Also look at marriagebuilders.com it has a lot of insightful information for VERY QUICK results to inspire you to hang in. If you are a Christian, watch the movie FIREPROOF and get the workbook.
Either way I will pray for you. Good luck, be tough!
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A
female
reader, angelxxx +, writes (20 August 2009):
This all depends on how much you love her,if you love her that much,you would stick with her and help her through it,maybe book a holiday for the two of you,try and cheer her up a bit,if not an your really not that happy,then you cant keep forcing your self to do this,you only live once and every thing happens for a reason,no matter how bad things get,god lets certain things happen for a reason and even if it takes a while,things will definatley get better,maybe your wife will be happier with out you,if you say your arguing alot,then maybe thats what her problem is,what ever you decide to do,you both need to sit down with your children and talk,tell them your plans and and that everything is going to work out for the best.
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