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Should I force myself to get married to feel like I amount to something?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 December 2012) 6 Answers - (Newest, 15 December 2012)
A female United States age 30-35, *glylonelyskum writes:

I am 21 years old and never had a relationship. My grandmother is picking on me constantly because I'm not married and she was at my age. She says that the reason why I'm not married is because I'm ugly,I'm worthless,I'm fat, ETC. And she always brings it up. She also says that the fact that I'm not married makes me even more worthless and a waste of life. Is this so? She constantly naggs my dad telling him that he "should seek out some desperate young man to marry her off already!". Though nobody admits this, I am pretty certain that my grandparents had an arranged marriage. Should I force myself into getting married just to feel like I amount to something? Honestly, I don't even want to get married anytime in the next few years! I haven't even lived my own life yet. I don't even have my own life together!

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (15 December 2012):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntGreat Grandmother you've got there.....

How about forgetting any- and everything that she's said to you in the past? .... and limiting your contact with her as much as you can?.... and ignoring any ongoing - or additional - B/S that you can, predictably, expect to hear from her.... and THEN, get on with your life.... KNOWING that she was patently incorrect in her words and behaviour.... and YOU are a valuable young woman who shouldn't have to put up with the crap that she visited upon you?.....

Good luck....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2012):

Never doubt your self worth no matter who it is that describe you differently! This is America! The land of the free home of the brave. You're 21 your free to live you're life as you see fit. Be brave and stand up for yourself. You're just as much as an adult as she is. Respect goes both ways! If you're granny wants respect she has to give it! The nest tine she does this show her what you're made of. Let her know misery loves company! Tell.her you hope to God that you're nothing like her when you're her age. Old miserable and hateful. Best of luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2012):

Most of my friends didn't marry til their 30s and some still aren't and don't plan to. There's nothing wrong with being single.

The bigger problem isn't your grandmas attitude. She came from a different era and culture. The problem is your attitude. That you are internalizing her values when they conflict with your better judgement. Have you thought through what will happen if you give in to an arranged marriage? You really think your problems will be over rather than just beginning? So you want to get divorced or trapped in a lonely life?

Your grandma has a warped set of values. If she lived her life by them that's her own business but you should similarly live by yours. Does she think she amounted to something solely because she got married and had kids? Her self esteem must be really low and shes trying to cover it up by forcing others to live her way to validate her own life choice.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 December 2012):

Honeypie agony auntI didn't get married til I was 28 - didn't find the "right" til I was 26 almost 27. If I had married the guy I was with at 21 who knows it might have lasted it might not have, we both had a lot of growing to do at that time.

Focus on YOU. Work on getting away from your Grandmother.

Live your life ans YOU see fit!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2012):

Your grandma is just a horrible person... anybody like that should not be a part of your life. You need to walk away from her and never look back, don't worry about what others in your family think.

Spend some time to learn to appreciate yourself. Having someone like that in your family can ruin your self esteem. If you are overweight, start eating well and working out. Nothing will help you feel better about yourself than losing a few pounds, not to mention you'll be healthier. Do things to help yourself feel more attractive, like by some nice clothes (if you can't afford new ones start going to a used clothing store- visit frequently and you can get some steals), wear a little makeup, etc. Do this to help yourself not to attract somebody. Once your self esteem goes up you'll attract people with or without these things.

In this day and age anyone who gets married at your age should be the exception, not the rule. Look how happy your grandma turned out! Date, figure out what you like and don't like, and don't settle for less than that when the time comes to get married. Marriage can be difficult and rushing into it will only lead to divorce or a lifetime of suffering.

SERIOUSLY, SEVER CONTACT WITH THAT PSYCHO!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2012):

Fuck your grandmother, she's the ugly hearted, lonely scum your username suggests. Pay no attention to that bitter old hag.

"Should I force myself into getting married just to feel like I amount to something?"

You mean amount to something in the mind of that cynical old bitch don't you? No, you live your life how you want. You're only 21, this isn't the 1850's and you live in America where arranged marriage is not a custom.

You get to live the life that she never had, she';s just bitter and stupid as hell. Ignore what she says, she doesn't know shit and frankly your father shouldn't be letting her talk to you like that.

OP it's 2012, you have a career to build, 100's of countries to travel to, festivals to experience, guys to date, money to earn and throw away having a fun free life. Don't listen to some dinosaur try to tell you that you're ugly. You're a beautiful 21 year old woman with your whole life ahead of you and she's just jealous. Probably time to consider moving out if you live with her and just not calling over often if you don't.

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