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Should I explain myself to an old flame, or simply move on with my life?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Faded love, The ex-factor, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 April 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 21 April 2015)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

During my days at university, I had a bit of a fling with a girl I stayed with in my halls. Our relationship became quite passionate, but it was short lived, as I was graduating, moving back home and didn't want to commit to a relationship with distance.

Some years later, we nearly picked thing up again, but nothing came of it.

We decided we would be friends. We had a lot in common, we shared a terrific sense of humour and, while an attraction remained, neither of us had a desire to have anything more than a friendship. We haven't seen each other since I left university four years ago.

I have been in a relationship for over a year.

I love my partner dearly and wouldn't swap her for anyone.

The issue is this; she saw a text from my old university friends and this provoked a lot of questions. Quickly I found out that maintaining my friendship with the girl from university was more trouble than it was worth, so I decided to delete her message without reply. She has since messaged me a couple more times and frankly, I don't know what to do.

I don't want anything more than her friendship, but if it's going to cause friction between me and my partner, it's something I would rather stay away from...

But how do I possibly tell the girl from university this? I feel like cutting her off is so... Harsh? She's done nothing wrong, so she doesn't deserve to be shut out without any kind of an explanation, surely, but I don't feel like explaining things would do me any favours either.

Am I giving this more thought than it deserves? Am I a terrible person for shutting her out, even if it is for the sake of my relationship? Can anyone give me some clarity?

View related questions: move on, text, university

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2015):

It sounds like you're a fella who is rather on the up and up and that is to be applauded.

I would however advise you to tread cautiously, you don't want to ruffle feathers with your missus.

I agree that it's harsh to disappear without saying a word given that she hasn't done anything wrong.

While it is noble to want to explain, be careful not to say anything negative about your relationship / partner. By that I mean don't make your partner sound like a controlling so and so. Bitching about your partner or sharing anything that could be percieved as a negative about your relationship gives other people power to derail your relationship.

Simply say

Hi Jane Bloggs, thanks very much for your messages. I hope you are well and things are going well. I am now happily committed and wish to focus all my energies on nurturing my relationship so this will be the last contact from me. I will always remember our university days fondly. Wishing you all the best. Sam

She might not understand now but she will when she too has met that special someone.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (20 April 2015):

Honeypie agony auntYou should let her know that you have decided to cut the contact as your GF isn't happy about you two talking, that you wish her well and good luck. NO more needs to be said. BUT I think cutting her off with no explanation is kind of cruel, she DID nothing wrong.

It's not about YOU gaining any favors, it's about YOU having some common decency and courtesy.

After that? Block/delete her number and carry on.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2015):

I'm not of your opinion, but you were never truly close as "friends" before.

You describe it as "fling", so not even a proper relationship.

It depends. In your case, it sounds like you both know nothing (sexual) will ever come out of it again (as you tried and failed twice).

Plus, if you've never seen her it does not sound as terribly close friends either. In general actually,it does NOT sound like you are "friends". Acquaintances maybe. Friends-no.

You don't actually value her friendship, it means nothing to you, your partners' feelings mean more etc. etc.

Ok, then, your mind is made up. There is no wrong and right. It's just what we think is "wrong" and "right".

So you feel like you need to cut her off-cut her off. EXPLAIN things FIRST though. Then, that's it. No replying to texts etc. AT ALL after the explanation.

ps:Sample explanation : "I'm in a serious relationship. I'm in love with X. I do not want to hurt her feelings and maintaining contact/friendship with you hurts her. I'd never want to do anything to hurt her, so sorry but we can no longer remain in touch. OP's name"

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A female reader, Read-the-signs United Kingdom +, writes (20 April 2015):

I think the old flame still thinks of you as a contender for a relationship. Your new partner sees this and is jealous. Don't message the old girlfriend, it will give her false hope.

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