A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi, so I have been seeing this guy for 5 months now. we where friends first and I confided in him and then one day we had this connection and since then we been together. at one stage he was staying and spending nights with me and I have kids, so every morning he would wake up and leave before they wake up etc.and then he would come back as if he just arrived when the kids woke up. now my sister has moved in with me, so he cant stay but I go to his and he seems unhappy about that but I need to respect her and him at the same time as well as the kids. we have since then started fighting a lot....we had an argument where he was late to pick the kids up and I shouted at him. I am very punctual and he is the opposite... we exchanged words and he told me that they kids are not his and he is only doing me a favour and if he is late I must understand that. so i responded with if you couldn't do it, you could have told me... he got upset that I called him to ask where he was and the fact that he was using my car and I couldn't get to the school anyway even if i wanted to... ok so he did pick them up and was 5 mins late.... but the fact was that he was late and he shouted at me and I shouted back. he said they nt his kids and i must make a plan to do this on my own... so I said I will... i wont see him or come to his house or contact him...we have not spoken now for 2 days. he was telling me how he wants us to move in together and make a family - BUT he already is married, his wife and him live apart but he is married to her too and still has contact...I love this man - he is a different race to me. and that wont be accepted at all.... but I love him... its killing me that he never called or texted... Should I leave him?
View related questions:
moved in, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): I think the people who are saying he is married missed the part where he is SEPARATED, living a separate life from his wife, so as long as he is moving along in the divorce process I don't think that should be an issue. If they were still living together then that would be different. The fact that you FREAKED OUT at him for being 5 minutes late...seriously, 5 minutes?!?!? I'm sorry but that is COMPLETELY irrational. He is right, he was doing YOU and YOUR CHILDREN a favour, you should have been thanking him rather than finding a reason to be mad. I think you actually just wanted to catch him doing something bad, you were looking for a reason to be angry for whatever purpose...just waiting for him to be a couple of minutes late so that you could sabotage things. I think you need to get a grip and stop torturing this man. Not everyone is a drill sergeant about time like you are. It seems you are incredibly possessive about YOUR kids, and sort of TESTING the other person the whole time. Well if you are going to let someone into your life you have to recognize that they are human, and they will never be a perfect step-parent, but it doesn't mean they won't learn to love your children. I just think you have some major issues here where you are testing him and wanting him to fail.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2017): Only 5 months in and you are by your own admission "fighting a lot?" About YOUR kids? That he has reminded you are NOT HIS? And he is doing YOU a favour by picking them up????That is all you need to know.Add the fact he is still MARRIED and you've got a train wreck in the making here.As I see it, he likes the free sex and is putting up with all your baggage to get it. But he is NOT invested in you NOR your kids.Get out now.This is going nowhere.He does not care about you or your kids. And he has responsibilities elsewhere.You will be constantly nagging at him to pay more attention, to care about you, and your kids but it is a losing battle. Because he does not care. He is doing it all out of obligation to appease your desire to have a "relationship" with him. He wants no relationship. He is being roped in by you and isn't into that. He wants a little sex on the side. And your demands is the price he has to pay.This is not going to work out for you.You will be miserable trying to make a man care for you when he doesn't. He will constantly drop the ball and disappoint you because you are far more invested than he ever will be.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2017): You know this guy is not for you since he is already taken as others have said. What you need to learn as a single mother which I must address is that you should wait a least a year when dating before interdicing any man to your children.I personally would even wait two. Five months is not long enough to know who anyone is let alone know where you live. There are men out there who will play you to get to your kids. You might think you know someone well but after five months look what happened. What floors me more is you had him pick up your kids who he is a stranger to. Now your kids think it is OK to get in cars with strangers. Put your kids first not some man you hardly know...You know nothing really after only five months think with your head.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 February 2017):
 On the face of it ...it sounds like you two are incompatible. Yeah, I know you love him and all but if he's not as punctual as you would like him to be and it sounds like you guys shout at each other over minor stuff. I think you should stop seeing each other for a time until he learns to tell time or you learn that he can't change his priorities to suit your needs. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (2 February 2017):
 He is married so yes, I would cut the contact.
He can't MAKE a family with you BECAUSE he is still married and STILL has obligations as a husband. Do they live apart because he works away from his family?
Don't lend him your car if you need it for school or picking up your kids. HE is a GROWN man who can get his OWN car.
As nice as you feel he is, he really has NOTHING to offer you. Not as long as he is married. Sneaking around for sex is no way to have a decent relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (2 February 2017):
 I think the main problem here is that this man is ALREADY MARRIED. He needs to sort this out before making any promises he should not be making. Why do you feel the need to hide your love life from your sister? You are a consenting adult and (we assume) free to have a relationship. Your sister is (I assume) not a child so why do you feel the need to hide this man from her? I can sort of understand his frustration at that. The issue of the children is far more important though. OK, so he was 5 minutes late picking them up. As someone who is always running late, despite best intentions, I totally understand that things happen and you cannot always be on time. And 5 minutes is - in my book at least - not REALLY late. However, the argument afterwards WAS important, especially if it revealed his real attitude towards your children. They are the most important people in this whole scenario and, if you are to get back with this guy, you need to talk about his true feelings towards them. (We all say things in anger we don't really mean, especially when we are being attacked.)
...............................
|
