A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm really furious and I'm not sure how to handle this family situation. Except for my parents, to say my extended family is really conservative/traditional is an understatement. This is my Mom's side of the family and I grew up with them because my parents were divorced and my Dad lived overseas. They all live on the east coast and I live in the south. Recently, my son and I visited friends and family up there in the Cape and spent a couple of days with my Aunt and Uncle who just retired out there. My son (11yrs) was very excited to see them (it's been a few years) and from the moment we arrived the reception was pretty chilly. They had just gotten back from a month long trip to China and started telling us that "Chinese people are very happy, they smile all the time and they love Americans, they really wish they could be more like us"- okay, a little strange they kept repeating that. Then as my Aunt and I started preparing dinner she told me how angry she was with me because I wasn't helping my mom enough! My mom lives 5hrs from me and had back surgeory which I took off work and went down there for a few days (I'm a single mother and my son has school and a lot of activities so I can't just drop everything for a month- my sister who lives there has no kids and works from home and helped out for 2 days). I explained to my Aunt that I felt comfortable with how I helped out. Then she started telling me how on that trip to China, they visited Taiwan and discovered that over 30yrs ago my Dad lived there with another woman (this was in earshot of my son who's close to him) and that my loyalty to my mom is questionable since my Dad's so selfish and never did anything for my sister or me(not true). I told her calmly that my relationship with my father is none of her business and that no matter how much I didn't like my son's father, I would never in a million years talk bad about him because it's not healthy for children to hear that. She then went on about how me not helping my mom out more was probably the most hurtful thing a daughter could do- first of all, my mom is a professor and an alcoholic, they refuse to see she has a problem. She's been spoiled her whole life and loves to complain to everyone in the family how she's all alone and how my sister and I never give enough. She has been given loads of money from my grandmother which she carelessy spends on luxury items, I don't feel that I should have to send her money because she can't save what she gets.Then at dinner, she asked my son if the salad was okay and he responded he loved it and thank you. She then asked him what he "normally" has on his salad. He mentioned anchovies was his favorite and she replied "oh, I thought maybe you'd like tomatoes and tortillas with it". (My son's father was part hispanic). I was appalled. My son was very well tactful, didn't act offended, and said that sometimes, yes, he likes tomatoes but her salad was perfect the way it was. After dinner, my Aunt was showing me some pictures of the family and I saw one of my cousin who kind of disappeared from things the last few years but no one would tell me why. My Aunt told me she and her "partner" (I guess she's a lesbian) have a new baby. I was excited and said that is was so great they had a baby. My Aunt turned on me and said "They didn't HAVE a baby, she was inseminated!". Good God, no wonder my cousin has nothing to do with them. That night, I asked my son how he felt about the dinner comment. He almost started crying and said it made him feel horrible. I was so livid and angry and I told him he was wonderful and so kind to people and that it was their ignorance, not anything to do with him. I called my Sister when I got back for a reality check and asked why we were treated like that. My sister said basically that since I'm a single mother now, which is like a big No NO, I'm basically trash in their eyes(the whole family feels this way) and that she's surprised I never knew they were like that. They are also very prejudiced but think they are "politically correct" about it. They are not religious and consider themselves "fiscally Republican" but "democratically enlightened". Please, whatever. Like their so evolved. They asked me when we would be moving up there "away from the rift raft" so my son could be in a normal environment and go to public school which is unacceptable in the south (he goes to private school). She mentioned when she and my Uncle lived here when my 3 cousins were young- they all HAD to be privately educated because "you know, because of all the border control problems down there and what seeps in". Right in front of my son!I thought about writing my Aunt a note explaining to her what she did and how it made me and my son feel. I almost think this may be a wasted effort because I will just look like estranged black sheep that is lashing out because my unfortunate "single mother" situation. I want nothing to do with any them except my parents. I don't want my son to have to be subjected to it. I think it's best that I cut off all contact from them but it will be sad that my son will miss out an extended family. My Mom and Dad just laugh it off and don't think it's that big of a deal. They think that as long as I'm confident about myself and how I raise my child, it shouldn't matter. My sister understands, she said that she's been isolated because she doesn't have a college degree and she's 31yrs old so they treat her like an invisible servant. When I graduated college with honors, they mentioned that since it wasn't IV league schooling, it wasn't really "honors". How should I handle these people?
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alcoholic, cousin, divorce, grandmother, lesbian, money, my ex Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Obsolete +, writes (5 May 2008):
I know that I am relatively young here, but I do have a unique perspective on this matter. I was born in Houston, Tx to a conservative family. I was very open minded and asked "too many questions" often times about why things were wrong or right. I ended up being sent to live with my mormon aunt and uncle for a year when I was 12 when I started going through puberty. They found me masturbating and sent me off again to a catholic treatment facility in Wyoming. Now I'm 18 years old, legally disowned, I am adopted by a single mother and I haven't seen any of my family in nearly a decade. I have no financial assistance and no real support. Despite this, I'm happier than I've been in the last 18 years of my life.
To sum it up, if you want your son to grow up to be a person who is morally strong because he logically agrees with what he thinks (instead of just what people told him to believe) and to have the confidence in himself to grow up to be happy, be that rich or poor, gay or straight, single or polygamist, whatever religion, as long as he's happy, then you have to get him away from people who will condemn him for asking why, and acting as his logic and morals tell him he should act, simply because they don't agree. The only person who has the right to decide who he becomes is your son. You already realize this.
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