A
male
 ,
anonymous
writes:My ex girlfriend cheated on me a few months ago but now she is no longer with that guy and wants me back. She calls me sometimes out the blue saying she loves me, feels bad for what she did to me and wishes we could be together in the future. I have met her a few times since our split and I always come home feeling upset because I know I can't be with her anymore. This is because I no longer trust her and for me that is an important part of any healthy relationship. I am also upset because she gets sad when I tell her I can't get back with her. I wish it could have been different because if she hadn't of cheated on me things now would be ALOT different, we might still have been together.A friend of mine had similar issues with his ex. She kept saying she loved him etc. This went on for ten months until he broke all contact with her. Should I do the same thing if she is not willing to give me enough time to heal?I know this sounds wrong but I feel like because she has less of a support network from family and friends than I do, I have to help because I don't want her to do anything to harm herself as I still care about her. Or is this just hurting her more in the long run? Is this type of behaviour wrong from her or justified because she may be feeling guilty? She feels like I am the only one who can understand her and make her feel calmer. Am I being too nice, after all I am the hurt one in all of this? Some friends tell me that it is hard to keep saying no when a girl provides an easier option. I do not want to take the easy option because often doing the right thing is much harder.I want to do the right thing but I really don't know what the right thing is anymore. Please help and answer any of my questions if you can. Any advice is most welcome and appreciated.Love Anon
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cheated on me, ex girlfriend, his ex Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (9 May 2007):
 Good for you. Take a deep breath and trudge on. You're doing the right thing. Your heart will heal, and you'll find someone new whom you can trust. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the follow-up help everyone.
I sent her a polite message asking her not to contact me for a while. She sent back an emotional reply and quoted my previous letters in an attempt to make me feel guilty for my confused feelings, caused by her.
She also did the girl power thing and said "You'll never have another chance with me" and so on. I don't want another chance with her after what she did to me. So I blocked her from a popular social networking website because to do this the right way I need no communication.
Three years plus with someone for them to suddenly not be in your life anymore is confusing, but I'm looking forward to the future.
Any final thoughts?
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A
female
reader, agony_emz +, writes (7 May 2007):
 i think you should break of all contanct with her! you clearly are unhappy after you met up with her a few times but this is not your fault! i totally agree with you that trust is a main part of a healthy relationship and that you cant be in a relationship with someone you do not trust! also if she keeps in contact the next time you have a girfriend what if your ex calls you?? i know you wish things could be different but you need to be strong and lose contact for you to move on properly and look for someone you are able to trust!!
good luck x
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (7 May 2007):
Hey Anon, If I were in your shoes, I would ask her not to contact me again, and I would move on. I wouldn't be able to trust her -- especially since she dated him WHILE dating you. It's not like she broke it off clean and THEN dated him. You'll always be wondering whether the next guy is with her or they're just friends. Don't do this to yourself. There's someone out there for you; don't be hung up on this one when you meet her.
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A
female
reader, AskEve + ♥, writes (7 May 2007):
 3 years is a fairly long time to be together. Things got more difficult for both of you when you lost your job. You wouldn't be able to go out as much like you said and she got bored! It may also have been that the relationship was more one of habit more than anything else. You have both grown up and gotten more mature during these 3 years and she may just have wanted a change, to see what else is out there so to speak. However, that being said... if she WAS crazy on you and in love with you then you not working wouldn't have bothered her, it would only be temporary and just being together should have been enough for her.
I still stand by what I said in my earlier post. It's up to YOU now to call the shots here and decide whether or not this relationship has any future. Do you want my opinion...? I think it has run it's course and you're not far better off without her.
Good luck, whatever you decide to do.
Eve
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to penta and AskEve for your advice.To answer some further questions for AskEve.We are both 21 and were together for over 3 years.She only dated the other guy for about 2 months (some of that time was before we had even split up). "you never miss the water till the well runs dry"I love that saying. That is exactly what has happened here. She went off me when I lost my part time job and also when I told her I was moving away to university. We weren't able to go out as much and I'll admit we didn't have as much fun. But I could put up with that better than she could and I never cheated on her or flirted with other people. I also did my best to give her lots of emotional and physical love during this time. I was not a perfect boyfriend by any means but I stayed loyal to her through the good times and the bad.Any thoughts on my follow-up, please help.Love Anon.
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A
female
reader, AskEve + ♥, writes (7 May 2007):
Do you think she would ever "harm" herself? Has she ever spoken to you about that? YOU are not responsible for her, you have to remember that. How old are you both and how long were you together? How long was she with this other guy?
If seeing her and meeting up with her is causing you pain then you need to see less of her. Sit down with her and explain to her how much she hurt you. Let her know the trust has gone now and it will take time to rebuild that, (if ever.) She has to go at YOUR pace and you should be calling the shots here. If she can't respect the fact that you need space from her and she constantly calls you then you need to cut ties, for now at least. She's only wanting attention!
Have you ever heard the saying "you never miss the water till the well runs dry?" That's what's happened here. She liked you, took you for granted, met someone else she thought was a better catch, then realised after the split that you weren't that bad, she feels it's better to be with you than be with no one at all. She doesn't love you, if she did she would never have cheated on you in the first place. She's just using her emotions to win you back so don't fall for it.
You need to put yourself first, do what you feel is best for YOU, not her! And if seeing her doesn't make you feel good then stop! She is putting the guilt trip on you here telling you she has no one else, you understand her better than most, I don't know what I'd do without you, you are all I have etc etc. Set the ground rules with her, take control! Let her know how it's going to be and don't fall for any of her manipulation as that's all it is. I think she's just using you until the next person comes along.
Let a couple of months elapse to get your head straight. Ask yourself - are you better off without her, do I really want to be back with her, would it be beneficial for me to do so? Can I trust her enough not to lie to me ever again? Do I really think she's "the one?" Can I see myself in 10 years time with this woman? Her keeping in touch with you isn't giving you the space you need to sit down and contemplate your feelings and wants in all of this. She's not giving you a chance to see whether you really miss her or not so it's time to think of someone even more important than her.... YOU! Find that inner peace in yourself again, get to know what you really want from life, if she's included in it great, if not then move on but you WON'T be able to do this with her disturbing this "me time" so let her know you want some space for now. You WILL come to a decison about all of this and you'll feel much better in yourself for having made it.
Good luck, keep in touch and let me know how it goes.
Eve
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (7 May 2007):
If you really don't feel that you can trust her again, then you should break it off clean. Trying to stay her friend right now is giving her the idea that she might have a chance. If she really has no chance at all, the kindest think you can do is to make her understand this (in very frank terms). You don't have to be nasty to her, but you do need to be firm.
The only way you might want to do something different is if you think you could someday forgive her, trust her again, and take her back. Since you don't think this is possible (and, BTW, I don't blame you) you need to get her to move on.
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