A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is a hard question for me to put out there because it involves a relationship I am in with someone I really like and care about. However, I have made so many unhealthy choices in my past and I don't want to do that anymore. I think sometimes I subconsciously make these mistakes. I don't mean to its just ingrained. Prob from years of growing up in an unstable home and having abusive ex's in my pastI went on vacation two months ago and I reached out to a few old friends in that city to have coffee get lunch etc. One friend (call him Ed) I have known for 17 years. I had dated his college roommate for years but they no longer speak to each other outside of FB. Ed and I did things in groups mostly I even knew his ex Abc, who he was involved with a long time. I worked on a couple jobs with Ed as well. I actually had not seen him in over 3 years but he's a fun person and he asked if I wanted to go to a dance party so I was really excited to go out with someone who knew the town and who I trusted. That evening things took a strange turn and we ended up kissing and just really connecting. It was a surprise for sure. There are some things about us that I worry could be complicated because of his connection to my ex that I don't like to think about much... Also he lives there and i 1 hour flight away. Since I left e FaceTime and text etc. He wants to come visit.I am concerned with his party guy persona. He's 41 and this week alone I counted 4 times he went out and drank... maybe Im just being sensitive IDK! Should I continue this? Let him visit and spend more time together or is this sounding not too healthy?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 January 2017):
 I understand why you are worried, but you only have one life and you cannot live it wondering what if. I say go for it. Allow him to visit take it slow and see how things go.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2016): HiYou won't know until you try and there seems no reason to assume the worst just at the moment. You seem to be aware of any pitfalls, so I would say go along with it and see what happens, but keep your wits about you. Watch and learn his behaviour so you can see what he's REALLY like. Don't go in too quickly, too deeply and hopefully things will be great. If not, at least you've protected yourself.I have the same history as you and when I fell for someone else, I was on my guard, watching and waiting for clues in his behaviour as to whether he was abusive or not. For six months I had no idea if I was dealing with a friend or a foe. Then something happened I didn't like. I spoke to him about it, really nicely and gently and he was so lovely. He understood and he changed that particular behaviour. Then I knew. Enjoy yourself with him. I think it's the same for all relationships when they start isn't it? No-one knows how it's going to pan out. Keep doing what you're doing and have fun! Good luck x
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (27 December 2016):
 I think you could let the relationship develop a little and see how it goes. Then at some point you need to talk about your concerns.
My stepdad used to go to the pub every night before he got married. It was more to do with company than drinking for drinking's sake. Then he stopped completely. He devoted himself to my mum, my gran' and me. So you can see that your new relationship could work if he really wants it to.
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