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Should I consider opening up a dialogue with the father of my six year old? Or could it cause problems if I do this?

Tagged as: Family, The ex-factor, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 July 2016) 7 Answers - (Newest, 9 July 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have a six year old who unfortunately has an absent father of a one night stand.

I did the grown up thing to inform dad of pregnancy but he cut all contact at that point. I decided not pursue him because selfishly it made it easier for me going it alone.

He didn't know my name or address so except for phone/e-mail, I was unreachable.

I have moved a few times and my contact info has changed over the years naturally.

I wasn't trying to hide but you could argue I didn't make myself visible either. To this day, I know where to find dad and he cannot find me.

Where would I stand?

Thinking in terms of opening up communication to become reachable to dad but scared it will go against me

View related questions: one night stand

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2016):

In my opinion, I'm pretty sure he would have known how to find you if he wanted to. I think you'd be opening a flood-gate of horrors chasing down a man who has made no effort to see his child after six years have gone by.

If you are struggling financially and need child-support; that is the one and only reason you should even entertain the thought of contacting someone like that. The child is now of an age of understanding, and this could confuse him or her immensely. A kid will wonder why his/her own father chooses not to acknowledge him/her? Probably already does. In my experience with people I've known who have experienced this, it traumatized them in so many ways it's really inconceivable. So tread very carefully, the cons outweigh the pros here.

I don't believe you have any vindictive motives up your sleeve, and you certainly aren't stalking the guy, or you would have communicated long before now. You wouldn't even have asked for opinion. You would have just gone for it.

I think your conscience is driving you to force him to acknowledge your child, but that might be better left alone. The child is really too young to understand and handle the rejection. Only grant this man access if he comes voluntarily. Keep him under the strictest supervision, and lay-down rules and boundaries. The rejection of an invisible dad is less painful, than someone a child has actually seen. There is no longer any mystery of this person's existence. Having a visual-image will cause some serious psychological trauma; to actually experience rejection after seeing him for the first time in six years of the child's life.

See, people forget that out of the blue these jerks may decide they want to fight for visitation or parental-rights. He may end-up marrying some woman who can't have kids; and suddenly decide there's a bird in the hand. So you might want to keep these absentee dads at a safe distance. Then you have a strong case to fight him.

However; I do think it is a good idea to know his whereabouts in case of health issues that may require some history. Just don't pull him into your life unless necessity requires it so.

Let your son reach-out at an age when he may decide on his own to investigate. By that time, he will have a fuller understanding, and the maturity to deal with the consequences of opening such a Pandora's Box.

He was a one-night stand. This should be explained to your child in a couple of years. You also need to let him/her know that you kept him/her; because s/he is wanted, regardless of his father's behavior. Kids never want to feel like an accident; so you have to constantly reassure them that once it registered positive on the pregnancy test, you knew you wanted him/her. That's all they really need to know until they are much older; then all the dirty details can be explained.

You and your child have each other. Don't drag unnecessary drama into your life. If you need money, handle everything through a lawyer and child-support authorities. Keep the child as well-protected and guarded has you always have. Don't let curiosity get the better of you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2016):

Struggling with my mobile phone to get better responses but I just wanted to say I appreciate the feedback. I will weigh carefully what you all have said. Little one has no questions about dad as of yet because I have always been open in age appropriate ways but as he gets older, that might change and i feel I have to act according

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2016):

OP - Establishing any type of communication or contact has never been about money. I believe in the UK you don't get back pay on child support payments (unless you applied to child maintenance and dad missed payments from date of application). I would not see a penny of the last 6 years and i wouldn't apply unless I absolutely needed help. For me, this has always been about the best interest of my child.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2016):

Whatever the circumstances of conception, sperm donor has a legal and moral obligation to financially support his spawn to the fullest extent of his ability to pay, and YOUR CHILD has the legal right to receive financial support from a deadbeat absentee sperm donor.

At the very least you need to obtain a court order of support for your child's sake. Whether you want to broach the subject directly or through an attorney is your call.

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia +, writes (9 July 2016):

Caring Aunty A agony auntI need to ask; what has inspired or provoked you to consider opening up communication after 6 easy going years without him?

What have you told your little one about the absent whereabouts of his/her father to date?

What’s your underlying motive here?

I guarantee this will go against you IF, and I do mean IF, the underlying motive is for money, back-pay arrears, and or pay-back revenge! This would most definitely start a flood, a complete down pour of hostility and much unneeded stress in all 3 of your lives, 4 if he’s married, 5, 6, 7 if he has children of his own.

I believe you had opportunity and right to pursue him 6 years ago, (as you do now), be that YOU KNEW his whereabouts. He naturally did the one night stand quick step shuffle out of here… he could have lost his phone along with your details in all those years, who knows? But you ultimately chose the path of peace and quiet.

“Scared this will go against you” is something you may not have considered weighing in full when selfishly choosing, “going it alone.” But I commend you for having the courage…

I say; the less drama the better. Your little one already suffers being the result of a one night stand, whether he/she knows it or not. I predict pain and further rejection if you were to open up communication.

In essence you have to look at this man as a “complete stranger” for all concerned. Just because you know his whereabouts, does that make you really know his wherewithal in being a role model, Father figure to this little person?

Take Care – CAA

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2016):

OP - I should clarify that the dad didn't know my surname, we did at least exchange forenames. I knew more because I saw his post and hecwas chatty. I suppose he could trace me with social media if he asked locally with a group I mentioned I belonged. Then he would reach me without a doubt.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 July 2016):

Honeypie agony auntAre you really so sure he couldn't find you? In this day and age of Facebook etc? I mean if he REALLY wanted to find you. I mean you informed him that you were pregnant he he STILL didn't even know your name? WHAT? So he HAD your phone number and he never called.

I think it's a poor excuse if he has never contacted you and claims it's because you were "hiding". You were in fact RESPECTING that he wanted nothing to do with your and your child.

Since he has your e-mail you and his, I would send him an SHORT update on his child, see if he responds. If not... then I would leave it at that.

I don't think it was selfish that you went on with your life and child without informing him father, he didn't show an ounce of interest.

My guess is your child is now asking about her/his dad? A dad who CHOSE to not be part of her/his life. Who hasn't help with a penny or thought about you two since that one night stand.

Still, I think sending him a short e-mail is putting the ball SQUARELY in his court, not much else you can do.

Can it cause problems? Sure. If he is now married and she knows nothing about you and the baby. Or if he decides that he WANTS to "play daddy" all of a sudden, so now your 6 year old has to get to know a total stranger all because of shared DNA - or... that he in fact IS NOT a good rolemodel or even part time parent. That he ONLY want to see her/him to avoid paying child support... Yes, there can be problems, you have to decide if giving him a chance to get to know his child (and more importantly... let your child know him!) or not.

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