A
female
age
41-50,
*oncernedsister
writes:My little sister (age 20) and I have always been so close and tell each other everything. She has always been very conservative and reserved. I've never had to worry about her because she has never given me a reason to. Well just recently, I noticed a change in her behavior. To make a long story short, she has been acting very secretive and shady. I know my sister and I know when something is up. I asked her flat out if everything was okay, and what was going on. She said everything was fine. Of course I didn't believe her. She stays with my husband and I at our home a few days a week because it is a lot closer for her to commute to school. Well a few days ago, she said she was going out to dinner with some friends and left. My gut told me that she was lying. Against my husband's wishes, I followed her. I needed to know what was going on. I really wish I hadn't followed her because by the end of the night, I was angry and in disbelief. I followed her to a restaurant and she was greeted in the parking lot by someone I recognized right away. My old professor who is now her professor! I was in shock and still am. He is married and has kids! I am so angry and hurt that my sister would do this. She is beautiful, smart, sweet, so why in the hell does she want a married man 20+ years older?? I stayed calm and should have just went back home, but I didn't. I waited for an hour before they came back out from dinner. He walked her to her car, they kissed for about a minute or two and then drove off in different directions. I wanted to slap the both of them. I have not told my husband about this. I told him that her story checked out and that she met up with two friends from school. I want to confront my sister but I don't know if I should or not. What hurts me the most is that she is so much better than this! She is so young and does not need this kind of drama. I fear that she is heading down a path of destruction. So many things are going through my mind. First of all, why? How long has this been going on? Are they having sex? Does she fully understand the consequences? I want answers and I want them to stop seeing each other. I love my sister and want this to stop. I need your help agony aunts/uncles. Should I confront her? What should I say?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 May 2014):
 I guess I'm in the minority.. she's 20. she's legally an adult.. she's making a bad judgement choice but SHE is not the cheater or the homewrecker he is.
she's acting the way she is because she knows she's wrong. OR she knows you think she's wrong and will be all up in her business about it when it's NOT REALLY ANY OF YOUR CONCERN.
You have compounded the problem by
a. lying to your husband
b. following and spying on your sister.
how long it's been going on is not your concern
are they having sex IS NOT YOUR CONCERN
is she aware of the consequences? Which consequences are these?
I think that you
a. have to come clean to your spouse that you lied to him
and
b. admit to your baby sister that you
a. don't trust her
b. spied on her
c. know what she's up to and with whom.
Let her know you are concerned and available for moral support when she's ready to end it.
other than that OP keep your nose out of her business.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2014): I would simply advise his wife anonymously that he is having an affair with a student no names mentioned and let her be the one to put her husband on the straight and narrow path. Your sister will get dumped as married men very rarely leave their wives. Also your sister will be none the wiser that you had a hand and you wont come out the sister who ruined her relationship with the love of her life. Win win situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2014):
I think you should talk with your sister, the reason being she stays at yours a few times in the week, so you have granted some expectations of what her behaviour and they should follow what your parents have raised you both to be .. She twenty not thirty just because she out her teen years, just.. Doesn't mean she matured that much .. That though doesn't give her the right to have an affair .. If its went that far and who knows .. Maybe a chat will bring her to her senses?.
I would say something like a passing acquaintance saw her with an older man in such such place, ( I would omitted it was you ) and say, who was this you were kissing etc I would be firm, yet kind I would make sure it was just her and I talking .. And if she admits to it , I would do my upmost by raising the facts you already have here to see what she says .. If she won't stop then I wouldn't provide her accommodation to continue the affair ( as i i see it she stays with you to attend the uni, he works at ? take that out the equation ) and I would tell her I wouldn't lie if mum and dad asked why..
She twenty, so please don't rage like a bull in a china shop.. Unless you need to.. Tell her every action will get a reaction .. How will she feel if news got out, people's views of her will change, they won't see her like the naive post school girl . Like most they will be see her like a scheming heartless home wrecker .. Tell her this be open with her.. What about his wife .. His kids .. His job .. Is she prepared for when the pan gets too hot and she has to jump into the fire .
Maybe, she got caught up in the ( what I call ) the Indiana jones rom.. Maybe all they have done is kissed (still not right) And if you show her reality she might actually come back down from the clouds.. And this won't go any further ..
Take care and keep us posted.. X
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): I agree with Cerberus.
She's no victim (but neither is the professor.) I'm sure she expects the world to treat her like an adult. She needs to learn this one the hard way, not be shielded from the consequences of what she is doing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): I agree with the poster who says to discuss it with your husband first.
I also don't think you have any moral high ground upon which to confront her seeing as you followed her. She's 20, she's a big girl now and she's not "better than this" she's a cheating homewrecker.
You know there is another option here, OP. I mean I have three sisters, there was one time when I had to go directly to the guy she was sneaking around seeing behind our backs, the guy was a known drug dealer and as you well know teenage girls have a thing for bad boys and drama.
I went to him directly, I told him to end it nicely with her or I'd make being with her the worst mistake he ever made. If he told her I'd come to him about this and hence became a rat, then I too would become a rat and he'd have some very serious legal issues.
Worked a charm and my sister knows I did that too although I didn't tell her for a long time.
It's very risky of course, but this guy has enough to lose that he'd play ball, especially if you had photographic evidence.
I don't think it's the right way though, OP, and I don't think you sticking your nose into your sister's business is right in this case either.
My sister had a very real threat to her well-being, she was only a kid and getting involved in a drugs crowd could have messed her up. Your sister is an adult and she's actually in the wrong here.
She's not some kind of victim, she's being a complete bitch and I think she deserves to have to face the consequences of what happens when you treat people that way.
OP drama is the only way she's going to learn this is wrong. You have to let her make her own mistakes and this may well be the most valuable lesson she learns in college. You can't wrap her in cotton wool forever.
This is one of those situations where the best way to protect her is to let this play out and let her get burned, because if she doesn't learn her lesson now she may be doomed to repeat this mistake again in the future.
OP this is one of those cases where the best way to protect her is to let her mess up, she's a woman now she needs to find out the hard way what happens when you fuck people over the way she is. I mean right now this is all so amazing, James bond type stuff and he's just brilliant. If you confront her then who do you think the bad guy will be? You may create a rift between you and her that is irreparable because you too are in the wrong here. You may alienate her to the point where she no longer has you as an ally and things could get out of hand.
So talk to your husband so you're not keeping this all locked away and just let her make her mistakes. This really is none of your business.
OP it's more important you protect your relationship with her than stopping her doing this. Beyond her being your sister remember she's being a complete and utter bitch, and she really needs to learn that lesson the hard way. If not then she really will just see you as the bad guy, she may never be able to trust you again and you'd both stand to lose a hell of a lot more than just a tonne of love triangle drama.
Seriously talk to your husband about your options, but remember she's 20, an adult and she deserves whatever drama is coming her way and you know it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 May 2014):
 IF it was my younger sister I would SIT her down and talk about this. I would ASK if she is ready and willing to ruin the professor's career, reputation and be part of ruining his marriage. Not to mention her OWN reputation.
MANY schools do NOT approve of teacher/student relationships (no matter that the student is over 18 or not) And rightly so. Being 20 means she IS considered an adult, but it doesn't always mean that she will ACT like one. (the same can be said for a professor in his 40-50's).
I would NOT ask about the sex part, because quite frankly, it REALLY isn't any of your business.
So instead of CONFRONTING her, I would TALK to her. TRY and make her see that what she is doing is NOT a good thing for her. I would "plink" a little on her heartstrings as to the professor's wife. Maybe that will give her some food for thought. Speak to her better judgement.
BUT... What you also have to realize is that you CAN NOT tell he how to live her life, and which mistakes she can and can't make.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): First of all discuss it with your husband and ask him what he thinks, he knows more about the situation than we do. And I think if you continue to omit things likle this from him your marriage will start to fall apart so tell him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): If it were me, I would confront her on everything and try to get her to end this now before something terrible happens. She is going to do a lot of self harm as well as hurt other people with this destructive behavior.
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