New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login244945 questions, 1084256 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

Should I confront my mother in law about her destructive behaviour?

Tagged as: Family, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 July 2010) 5 Answers - (Newest, 23 July 2010)
A female United States age 36-40, *uscle and Sinew writes:

where do i start...november 24 of this year i plan on getting married through the church, have been married three years by Justice of the Peace. BUT things have been difficult in our marriage, mostly because of my mother in law.

a year ago i had decided to take antideppresants along with YAZ to help with my PMDD. to later find out that i had a miscarriage, and i blame myself for ever getting into that situation. and it all comes down to her.

i got on them because i was depressed because of her. she made our marriage hell, and mostly because my husband let her. so i let her get in between. i didnt tell my husband because he was hurting to find out that his mother had been cheating on her husband (3rd husband). and i knew i would blame it on her. is it bad to say that i hate her?

she talks to my gyno about me. and my sister sees the same gyno as me, so my gyno makes little comments. and my husband does nothing. and on top of that it turns our that my insurance never covered my diagnosis, so i owe a bill of $300. and since we are moving we cant afford it. sometimes i feel like giving up, i feel like i have no back up.

i love my husband, but he doesnt make me feel any better, i have to bottle it up inside, if it has anything to do with his mom, he shuts down. she is an ugly person inside and out. she has done nothing but ruined my husband life. all the men that she has been with sexually. now he has no one. he doesnt have a father, he doesnt want anything to do with us. and because he has a violent past, idk whether or not if i should invite him to the wedding. its so complicated because he had been somewhat of a father to him. but should i risk him doing something to our service, because my mother in law has it in her head that that man is invited. and he isnt.

my family said no, only because you never know what he will do. when all of this was goin on my husband step father tried to kill himself, we were the ones that found him. so if he sees that man there with my husbands mom he can do something to her or him. he apparently used to abuse her. but thats coming from her mouth. what should i do? i feel like i married into a family that is so messed up, and i feel for my husband. its not his fault. should i write her letter and tell her how i feel?

knowing that i am not goin to hold back on how i feel about her, it would not be nice, if my husband wont stand up, i should defend myself. please help me readers i need that light.

View related questions: depressed, violent, wedding

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, Muscle and Sinew United States +, writes (23 July 2010):

Muscle and Sinew is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Muscle and Sinew agony auntI feel like I have huge weights on me, we got help but still haven't felt that release. I feel like I'm making myself sick. And I know that she was taking some type of anti depressant that are used for mental pt. Can't think of the tge name. But even still I have so much anger and frustration. And I know my husband is goin thru a lot but I feel like I have been walked over by his mother. Should I write a letter talk to her in person, but I'm scared that she will do something to herself, she tried to kill herself when my husband was younger, and then his ex step father did it recently these pasts months. And I feel for him. Do u think it's right that we keep our distance? I haven't seen her bit spoken to her? Do u think it's right that we see more if my family. My family hasn't created any problems. They've been very supportive with mike vtheyvsee him as their son. They hug and kiss him. All the things he has missed out in life my parents are giving him.

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, Muscle and Sinew United States +, writes (16 July 2010):

Muscle and Sinew is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Muscle and Sinew agony auntq1606, I read that website ( http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html) and u hit right on the nail. What do I do? How can I deal with her. I can say I won't be around her but my husband will but she hurts him too.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Muscle and Sinew United States +, writes (16 July 2010):

Muscle and Sinew is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Muscle and Sinew agony auntI perfectly respect all of your answers. It's complicated because although his step father has been there most if his life he is also not well, he is become violent. And I dnt want to Rick that day of getting married the church. They will ruin it. My husbands mother is determined to bring her new "toy" to our church wedding. And I dnt want there to be any conflict during the mass. And mikes step father had said he doesn't want to be involved in our lives. So he won't talk to us. And to make it hard is that I blame her for all of this mess and especially having a miscarriage. It's hard for me to move forward when u haven't had closure. But I know it won't be pretty. She really is a wreck. And I dnt want to be a part of it. And the one that suffers is my husband.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010):

While I respect CaringGuys position I have to disagree. It sounds like your husband has had nothing but grief from his family for a long time, so much so that he has shut down and can't even discuss them anymore without feeling tormented.

"A man who cannot look after his wife isn't a man" this is in general a good point of view but it works the other way around too, a good woman should also be able to look after her man. We can't always be the strong one, sometimes we too need support and help, this is what your husband needs your support and your help. That's how a partnership works, sometimes we need help sometimes we have to be the helper.

The last thing he needs is pressure from you too, that would mean not only are his birth family messing with his life but also his chosen family i.e. you, are also on his back.

Forget about her, forget about his side of the family and focus solely on your own family and your husband. You need to lift him up, you have to protect him from their crap until he has regained his own strength.

You defend yourself all you need to, do not be afraid to stand up to them and if you think they're going to cause trouble for either you or your husband. If they get annoyed or anything like that then screw them. It is time you set some boundaries, do not put up anything you deem unacceptable not even for a second. This is your marriage and if they're gonna try and ruin it then you have to fight to make sure they don't.

They'll be a part of his and your life for good they're family that can't be helped, it is up to you to ensure they know the ground rules. Don't bottle anything inside, if he won't talk about things and discuss ways of making things better then just go ahead and do what you feel is right.

He doesn't have no one, he has you and your family are his you will always be by his side and you will not let anyone ruin it.

If you want to talk to the mother do and make sure she knows in no uncertain terms that you want her to be part of your life but now you make the rules because she seems incapable and she will tow the line or you will have nothing more to do with her.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (16 July 2010):

It's not your job to say anything to her. It's your husband's job. It's not his fault, but he needs to man up and stop this woman screwing up your marriage. If he doesn't, then he'll side with her when you do stand up. A man who cannot look after his wife isn't a man. If he won't stop her, you need to move on. Don't be doing these things for him. You'll lose.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "Should I confront my mother in law about her destructive behaviour?"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0468780999981391!