A
female
age
36-40,
*upiddear
writes:I have been seeing him for just over two months. We have a great connection, the sex is amazing and we can talk for hours. We are comfortable around each other. It’s really great most of the time.I noticed when I started seeing him that he had posted a Facebook memory with the heart eye emoji of his ex about 3 weeks before we got together. At the time I thought nothing of it but it stay in the back of my mind. I suppose at that stage it would have been a little weird for me to ask why he posted it considering we had only just started seeing each other. He did tell me that she was ended up being a nightmare and that he left her. From looking at his social media I can see that they broke up about 8 months ago which is when he left Berlin to return to Australia. 6 months before he and I got together and they were together for 2 years.A few weeks ago he told me he was going to Berlin for his friend’s app launch. A few days before he left I asked him about the photo via text. He ignored the message. I moved on and didn’t push it.A few days later he went to Berlin for the launch of his friend’s app. This was 3 weeks ago. He video called me as he was boarding the plane to leave and said he would call from China where had a layover for 18 hours. I never heard from him in China. I didn’t hear from him for 4 days. I found this weird considering he calls or texts everyday at home but then I realised that when you are travelling it really is easy to lose track of time and also if I were away that I wouldn’t necessarily get in touch everyday. So, I let it go. It turns out that he had travel issues once he reached Europe- all which were legit (I checked his socials and he had posted about it).We have been in communication consistently since then and everything has been fine. Actually, thing have been really good and I can tell that he is making a really big effort to make things work. When he went to the app launch he contacted me throughout and sent me pics. He has been calling me everyday and making plans for the future like holidays etc.Now……since I have been seeing him he doesn’t ever ask me anything about myself really. I mean, he knows the basics about me but he never tries to delve deeper. Also, when I speak it feels as though he isn’t really listening to me and he often talks over me. I am softly spoken and he is loud.I sent him a text 6 days ago saying that I needed 3 days of no contact to complete a writing assignment for work because I really needed to focus and was going to be turning my phone off. He ended up calling me anyway and we talked for a little while that day. We got onto the topic of the face that he rarely remembers anything that I say and that sometimes I wonder if he is getting me information confused with someone elses. I asked him straight out if he is talking to other women online. He said no but that he has seen his friends that happen to be female in Berlin (he used to live there for a long time). I said OK. I trust him with seeing those people it is fine. We ended the conversation there but as soon as I hung up I realised that his ex (the one in the photo) also lives in Berlin. So, I texted him and asked if he had seen any of his exes. He said no because the recent ex has a new partner and the other exes from his past don’t live there anymore. I then asked why he had posted the photo and he said he didn’t know what photo I was talking about. I’m almost certain that he does know- he is just avoiding the question. If he was still interested in her after being back in Australia then that means that they were probably in contact up until recently. This is where alarms started to go off for me. Firstly, how did he know she had a new partner? I have checked her Facebook and there are no posts about a new relationship. So, someone has told him or she has told him herself. Did he go to Berlin hoping to get back with her and has then found out that it’s not possible?.....keep me on hold and see what happened with her? Was the plan for him to return to her at some stage? We ended up having a fight via text. He has photos of his ex girlfriends all over his social media, some in bikinis. When I brought this up he accused me of asking him to take them down. I never asked him to do this. On Instagram the hash tags say things like #model #beautiful etc. and the most recent one was only from September last year.He hates jealousy and I hate feeling this way but I do feel like I need some information so I can work out what to do here. If I am his second choice then I want out now. I thought we were onto a good thing but things feel a little contaminated now with the ex thing.When I looked at her Facebook page I was upset also because I can see that she is really trashy and a low value woman. If he is missing her and still has feelings for her then I feel as though this is an insult to me. I have a Masters Degree, a successful career and have modelled for L’Oreal. I know this sounds cocky but I work hard on myself and I feel as though I am not being appreciated or being seen for what I am at all.I am confused and clearly don’t know what is going on in this situation but it does make sense that perhaps he is not over the break up because heDoesn’t seem very interested in getting to know more about meIs only emotionally available sometimesTalks over me a lotRefuses to hold my hand. No PDA. All of his friends know that he is seeing me so I don’t get that.We have only seen each other one time without having sex.I just know something is off here and I can’t continue with him until I know what it is. But, I also don’t want to come off as nosy, jealous or crazy. I have asked him now approx. 6 times (via text) about the photo and he keeps dodging the question.Another thing that I am concerned about is that he lives with his mother(he’s 45), is broke at the moment (he has been staying on his friend’s couch in Berlin) and even though I know he genuinely likes me I am concerned that he has kept me on hold while he is away so I am there when he returns. He doesn’t like being in Australia and has said that having me has made it so much more bearable. He is middle aged with a bald spot, a big gut and erectile dysfunction and I still wanted him because I like him so much…..I thought I could trust him and that is everything to me.It has been 6 days since we spoke. He knew I had finished my work assignment 3 days ago and have had free time since then so he is definitely wondering why I haven’t made contact.He texted me yesterday saying that he misses me. I haven’t replied.He just texted me right now saying that he is sorry and that he feels bad for being a jerk.I don’t want to keep ignoring him but I genuinely feel distant emotionally from him considering he won’t answer this question about the photo. I feel like he’s being shady and hiding something from me.Any advice on what I should do here? Do I ask him again about the photo? Do I just break it off with him? For the past couple of days I have been convinced that he isn’t over the break up and that I should email him letting him know that it seems as though he is not completely over it and that maybe this isn’t the right time. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
View related questions:
broke up, ex girlfriend, facebook, his ex, jealous, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (21 September 2019):
 How does a guy like him (why doesn't sound physically appealing to be honest) CONTROL a younger and good looking girl? (like you) by taking her down a few notches. What he did say was that he felt you had a better connection than he did with his ex, that she was very good looking but with little ability to connect (unlike you). So he praised you but also poked at your looks. Kind of like stroking your cheek before slapping it.
It's been, what 2 1/2 months?, and He can make you feel bad about yourself and "depressed" with ONE sentence? OP, a relationship is about bringing the BEST out of each other, not saying things to get an upper hand. I think he VERY well know that YOU have the upper-hand in the looks and overall quality department and he is trying to level the field for HIMSELF.
I still don't get WHY you are so keen on dating this loser. An attractive young woman like yourself? YOU can do SO much better and honestly, the LONGER you keep thinking that you HAVE to make it work with this one, the LONGER you waste your time and miss out on meeting a QUALITY man who isn't still stuck on his ex, while living with his mom.
Seriously.
A
female
reader, cupiddear +, writes (21 September 2019):
cupiddear is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all,Most of you that responded to my question suggested about a month ago that I break it off with this guy about a month ago. I didn’t do that and we have kept things going. He is still in Berlin. I am going overseas next week and he wants to come to meet me. However, about 2 weeks ago we were having a discussion via FaceTime and I mentioned that I once dated someone who everyone wanted but I felt little attraction to him - there was just not much chemistry. He then said that his ex was a knockout but that he prefers the connection (mental and sexual) that he and I have together. This made me feel uncomfortable but I let it go and we continued the conversation. But it has been getting to me ever since. He only broke up with her 10 months ago and they were together for 3 years. He is basically saying that his ex is better looking than me in his opinion. I have never had this from a boyfriend before. His ex is a very normal looking girl. I’m starting to think he is negging. It is making me feel depressed and unappreciated. I have cried three times this week over this. It may sound shallow but it’s important to me that my partner finds me extremely attractive. The thought that he believes he can do better turns me off. I like to know that we are both extremely into each other. It’s affecting my work. We have only been “seeing each other” for 3 months but in that time he has been overseas for 2 months. I don’t know wether him coming to meet me while I am away (2 weeks away) is the best idea. He has hurt me. What to do?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2019): Here is a Big Red TROLL Flag! To start the post, the sex is amazing. Before the end he has a big belly and erectile disfunction. What a crock a dung!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 August 2019):
 I think you should break it off, regardless of the whole "heart-eyed emoji pic " saga. I mean, the guy is a living collection of issues: he is way older than you, he is physically unappealing, sexually inadequate, is far from having got his s..t together, he is unemployed, broke, lives with Mom, is self centered, does not listen to you, talks over you…. AND ( last of your problems ) may still have feelings for an ex.
I mean, come on- you can do better than that. of course you can do better than that !, because also being alone and partnerless is always better than being partnered with the kind of bum who is penniless ,but leaves for a long trip abroad anyway, because he can always count on scrounging from friends . At 45. Seriously ?
Said that, I think you were wrong anyway in pestering him so relentlessly about that pic. It was before you met, you have only been dating a few weeks, during which he was not even in your same country, so you barely know each other, there's no promise, no firm committmenet between you… in any case, you have been coming down on him too heavy. Do it some more,in the hope that he gets tired and decides in your place for the break up that you can't bring yourself to initiate. But do not do it any more with your next boyfriends, because it's the type of faux-pas that many men do not tolerate.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2019): OP, Red Flags waving everywhere! A dude who has been skirting around a direct question for two months, has something that he is hiding from you! He first just ignored your question now he is playing dumb about the picture in question! Living with his mom at age 45 is pitiful, unless he is her full time caregiver. How did he pay for a trip to Berlin? He shows no interest in you, and what must certainly be an exciting career, and I also imagine that there is a great back story, as to how you got there! What dude is fortunate enough to meet a model, in his social life, and he is not interested in learning all that he can? Pardon my crudeness, but most men would give their left nut, just to meet a model! This guy is a perinial loser, and he is rude to talk over you! I do not think that he is even a true friend. Friends are truthful and friends are very good listeners! You are only seeing a facade that this loser is using to try and hide his lack of confidence. A confident man does not talk over people. End it OP
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2019): I’m not with this new way of thinking that seems to say women should be ok with men critiquing other women’s bodies online and they should just accept it as ‘ boys will be boys ‘ . I think this type of behaviour where men feel the need to publicly comment on women’s looks is somewhat creepy and adolescent and I’d take it as a sign of the types of qualities he places the highest importance on in a woman . Men who tend to see women as equals and value intelligence kindness and character are not generally those sitting there judging which women deserve a like button click on their phones or some meaningless comment
Rather than get upset about his behaviour abd the superficiality look at today’s technology as a great way to give you insight into a mans xharaxter
What have you learned about this guy so far ?
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (19 August 2019):
 What stands out for me is that you can't seem to do anything face to face. You have fights via TEXT. You want to break up with him via EMAIL. Very strange.
I would suggest, if he is not interested in you to ask about anything, and doesn't even bother remembering what you have told him, he is simply not that into you. You are arm candy. End of.
Just my opinion.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (19 August 2019):
 When I started reading your post I was thinking this must be one real catch of a guy- a young hot 30 something globetrotter go-getter with glamorous ex girlfriends. And then came the real details. Lives with his mother, broke, middle aged, balding with an erectile dysfunction. He kinda reminds me of the guy Phoebe and Joey set Rachel up with in Friends. "I've no money, I'm not funny, I live in a studio apartment with 4 other guys and I'm pretty sure I'm infertile"!
Tell me honestly, do you see a future wth this guy when you know you're better than him in every single way and you can get whoever you want? He's not worth the drama trust me. There's no comparison between you two but sadly and ironically I don't think he will ever appreciate you for what you are because you're nothing like his exes. He will "get" people like them, relate to them, pamper them... While you will be running in circles around him with nothing in return.
Don't forget your worth OP. Don't waste yourself on him. You need a much higher self esteem if you think he's all that you can get.
...............................
A
female
reader, Beets +, writes (19 August 2019):
 It sounds like he is a very selfish person. I don't feel like you owe him an explanation, but you do owe your heart a long, permanent break from him. He says he doesn't like jealousy, and yet isn't he inviting it with the pictures and the posts? I think he does like jealousy, and he wants to prop up his sagging ego with pictures of other women, and my guess is the vast majority of these women have either been hurt by him, or don't want anything to do with him.
I think you can do better. Even being alone would be better. Let this little bald, pudgy fish swim away, and you find peace within yourself, then move on to someone who is less conceited.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2019): Wow - 2 months into dating and so much drama.
I'm with the others - he isn't that into you to be frank!
Time to break it off and block contact - 2 months is nothing. You can start over with somebody new who is more of a catch - ie has his s*** together.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 August 2019):
Why is it ANY of your business what he posted on his social media BEFORE he even met you?
Most people do not SCRUB their social media when meeting someone new. The EX is part of his life. One that he is hopefully done with. YOU stalking his ex's Facebook is also out of order. YOU have dated this man for 2 months!
Having "fights" via text over an old picture is childish.
And it's a problem because you can't really HAVE a decent discussion or ask him this over text. It's petty. you want to KNOW about that picture? ASK him in person.
However, that was you... on to him.
He isn't that into you. If he doesn't ask questions about you and your life, doesn't remember thing you mention - it's because he just doesn't CARE to delve deeper.
He is unemployed living with his mom and he hates the country you live in...
He doesn't sound like a catch at all. And when you describe yourself you DO think YOU are a catch (and that is good that you know your own self-worth) but why on EARTH waste it on this guy?
You feel distant emotionally because you DO NOT know him all that well and your mind is going wild with all kind of guess work.
It's ONLY been 2 months and there is ALL this drama already?
I think you are totally WASTING your time.
I wouldn't e-mail him and tell him YOU think he isn't completely over his ex, because YOU don't know. E-mail him and tell him you don't see this working out, wish him well and them BLOCK all contact.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 August 2019):
 From what you wrote it is enough to conclude that he is not a good match for you. No need to dig into details about his ex. You know your worth and should not feel less about how he deals with other women. His social media life is a façade to hide his insecurities. In his facebook there are a lot of hot girls, but surely it won't say anything about him staying on friends' couches. He has been indifferent towards the relationship because he knows he's not good enough for you, and has no faith that it would work. If he's broke that I don't understand how he could afford the trip to Berlin. He has unfinished business in Berlin and his life is not stable.
If you had known he's a loser you wouldn't have slept with him. Now that you are attached you became obsessed with continuing this connection. You cannot find prove on his facebook and there is nothing concrete about him cheating. He would just deny everything. He is not a person you can trust completely and that is enough reason to break it off.
...............................
|
