A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Should i cheat on my GF?I know its wrong and everything, but i have been talking to this girl lately and i feel i have a connection with her, like its crazy how similar we are. Im not 100% sexually attracted to my current gf, she is over weight, thats not me being nasty, i mean medically she is over weight. Im no model, but im slim, i workout eat healthy etc... This girl is keen, and so am i. What should i do, she asked me to meet up with her tomorrow for a drink.P.S. Im 23, so is my gf, we've been together for a total of 7 years! since school.
View related questions:
overweight Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFollow Up 2:Okay, so I'm here again, providing you with an update to the situation, and mainly to maybe help others with similar mental disabilities such as the one I had when originally posting this question.I'm going to break this down by identifying what issue I had, a diagnosis if you will, followed by which answers I thought were unhelpful, followed by answers that were helpful, then a conclusion.Diagnosis.Quite simply, I was young and immature. I knew it was wrong to cheat...and so does everyone else, yet at the same time, I still wanted her, and so far in life, I had followed my instincts, but my instincts were conflicting, which presents this issue.Answers that didn't help me.Some people answered my question by attacking me,"Are you a moron? Do you realise how shallow you're being ...""Haha you're an idiot."-These kind of answers make me defensive, which ruins the possibility of having an adult conversation, because I don't listen to advice from people who think its OK to attack people.Some people failed to comprehend the issue,"Her being FAT is no excuse to cheat, if you don't know that.. then I feel kind of sorry for you."-This answer failed to comprehend that my problem was immaturity, and so in the mind of an immature boy (myself), someone being 'FAT' and un-attractive is ABSOLUTELY something that may drive one to seek a relationship elsewhere.Some people tried to give advice to my partner,"Please break up with her though output you're this shallow and disloyal, as you'll be doing her a favour in the long run."-I think that this person is obviously offended by the question, and are not in a position to be offering advice.Some people don't understand what maturity is..."Do you seriously think anyone on here is going to say yes, what a great idea? You sound unbelievably immature.""Just because you've managed to use a computer to write on a site like this doesn't make you mature"-The second one made me giggle a little, the person makes out like I was 'trying' to be mature (as if it's something that we should try and do). Maturity is just a word that describes knowledge from experience, and people have the perception that we should try and act mature. Which is obviously fake. Think of it this way, people who have had experience WILL be mature, they don't have to try and pretend, they just make mature choices. And I had no experience, and so was immature, hence my immature question.Some people advised me to run away from the issue"Time to breakup, come on seriously you want ur cake and to eat it too?""you should break up with her if you do not want to be with her."So so so many people advising to break up...- The thing is, I DID want to be with her, but I wanted to cheat as well. Any advice that says to break up would be running away from the issue, and I think those people will struggle to create a successful relationship, because it doesn't matter how hard you look, relationships will always have issues, and that's why they require hard work! Which makes them STRONG.Answers that helped meI found that the answers that actually gave advice contained valuable information that helped me to view the situation from another angle, and learn a little about myself."she will be heart broken"- This helped me to understand that I was selfish, by not empathising with her feelings." tell her and try to fix what's broken"" a strong relationship does not just start out of no where"" think carefully before you make a rushed decision"- This helped me understand it was my way of thinking that was broken, and that it could be fixed by taking time to work on the relationship. Excellent answer this one."I think you need to re-evaluate what you want in your future and if you see yourself with your current gf. If you are meant to be with your current gf, then you guys will make it back to one another... maybe it's time for a break..."- Another great answer, it made me ask myself what do I really want? Something nice to look at? Or a lifetime companion. Needless to say, it was an easy decision."You two are bound to have had some great experiences and created a lot of wonderful memories in that time. If you cheat on her, it will completely destroy and ruin everything that you two have shared."- This helped me to actually understand the seriousness of the mistake I was about to make."the truth is that maybe even if you love her its just not the right time for a serious relationship maybe you both need to date more"- I think this does highlight a good point about there being a timing issue. Being young, and trying to have a mature relationship is almost an oxymoron. I could have taken her advice, but fortunately, I managed to gain enough maturity by thinking about this whole issue, experiencing it, and reading advice.Conclusion.I was immature, and by thinking about the issue and analysing the situation, along with reading good advice, I learned WHY it would have been wrong for me to cheat. I re-evaluated what I actually wanted, and realised that by cheating, I would actually be destroying what I wanted. I took the time to think about things, and understood that my sexual impulses were NOT what I actually wanted. I learned that the only reason I had arrived at this predicament in my life was simply because of a timing issue, what I mean by that, is that I started the relationship when I had very little experience, and this problem was almost inevitable. All in all, this shows one of the many problems that could arise when trying to build a successful relation, and I believe that it doesn't matter who we choose, we will always come across a problem...that can be fixed by seeking help and learning. This is what maturity is.Oh and by the way, for anyone that is interested, we now have a child! I can't believe I almost through all this away! Although, if I had gone through with my mistake, I would probably have learned my lesson, but it's better not to do things the hard way. One of the answers wrote were, "Hang on to your post and our responses and reread them in 20 years....you will be shocked. Its kinda like when you write a story in kindegarten and you read it now." She was right. I am shocked looking back at this question.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2013): Congratulations on being a real man :), Happy engagement x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFollow Up;
I didn't cheat, we're still together, we're still very much in-love especially now we have our own space (not living with parents anymore), I don't have the urge to cheat and never did...i thought that i wanted to, but i was clearly just getting mixed up with sexual attraction to another woman, the thought of actually cheating and hurting my gf sickens me. I still to this day fantasize about having sex with fit birds, but i suppose everyone has their own "thing". And i do actually blame that on my penis, people saying women have hormones and all that blah blah blah, men have hormones too, its called testosterone! I am a man, and have taken control of these urges. I'm also now engaged.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): I have a penis and I rule it, it does not rule me. Being a man places us above the lower primates. We have a sense of reason, justice, and morality.
Only the mentally ill can't control their impulses.
Don't use being a man as your excuse for considering cheating on your girlfriend. You were childish, the reasoning you gave is not an adult approach; nor was it expressed in an adult manner.
Man up and own up, dude.
You only changed your mind, when you saw the opinions of other men who didn't back you up.
My response was directed at you, not our girlfriend.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): "You cant blame me for wanting to screw the other chick because at the end of the day, we are men with penis's thats what theyre there for, we find attractive women attractive, its not my fault."
Haha you're an idiot. I've slept with more women than you've had dinners. I've done everything you can imagine to women but guess what, I've never cheated. Not once in all my 20 years of threesomes, one night stands, group sex, fuck buddies etc.
You see I can find a woman attractive and not consider cheating, it has never and will never be an option. Because guess what, being a man also means I can exercise self control, can make a decision based on what's right too. Only little boys think with their penises. I've seen plenty of women I'd like to fuck while in relationships, I saw one today. But not for one second would I ever consider cheating.
You already crossed that line "This girl is keen, and so am i." If you think you didn't then tell your girlfriend all that has happened here and see her reaction. I've never once gotten into the position of being mutually "keen" with any woman when I'm spoken for, and I certainly don't shirk responsibility by talking about some bullshit natural urge.
You should let your girlfriend know how close to cheating you were and how your excuse is that you're a man and can't help it. Seriously, let's see how your actions are really viewed by the person you supposedly love and want to marry. let's see how she finds your I can't help it I'm a man excuse. I think you'll find women too have biological and sexual urges for others, you may find that out first hand once you tell your girlfriend about this.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 June 2013):
 I hate to break it to you OP but MOST guys would NOT cheat.
My husband is a DOG when it comes to looking at other women, but trust me the guy would NEVER cheat or lie.
There is finding another woman attractive and that's fine. It's even fine for me if he has a bit of a fantasy about it, but to even contemplate cheating is not acceptable nor is it excusable by the idea that you have a penis. The truth is women are much more hormonally driven to engage in sexual activity then men. Our hormones RULE our lives with their constant ups and downs as we prepare MONTHLY to get pregnant and propagate the race.
You may love your girlfriend but I sense that you are not happy with her weight. I have a question for you, what will happen to your feelings for her if she does not stick with the gym and she does not lose weight?
...............................
A
male
reader, Uncle PJ  +, writes (18 June 2013):
 Dude? What is wrong with you? It's comments like that that give us men a bad name 'It's not my fault because I have penis' what even possesses you to think like that?
Just because you've managed to use a computer to write on a site like this doesn't make you mature. Admittedly, there are a lot of guys who would have just cheated, which is so so depressing. But don't think that gives you the moral high ground because you've now kindly decided not to cheat. It's so clear that you still have a lot of growing up to do and please don't ever use your penis as an excuse for anything, you control that appendage not the other way around, learn some self-control.
I hope you never have a lapse like this again or ever think anything like this, if you do then just leave your girlfriend, she doesn't need that. As for her going to the gym, do not force her just because you think it'll make her more attractive to you. If she wants to lose weight then that's fine, but it's a decision that has to be hers.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): It's obvious what the right thing to do is:
First, break up with your girlfriend.
Then, and only then, can you go out with any other girl.
If you refuse to break up, you're just digging yourself into a deeper hole because this same situation will come up over and over again since you're not attracted to your gf. And as you know, cheating is morally wrong and it will devastate your poor gf even more than breaking up with her now will.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (18 June 2013):
 lol you can't be blamed or held accountable for your impulses and actions because you have a penis? hahaha.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): OP reread your last post...your not immature? Its NOT your fault your judst a man with a penis?!?!? and how KIND of you to HELP her loose weight s you can be more attracted to her...sorry but you need to grow up then again ur just in your twenties barely out of diapers. Hang on to your post and our responses and reread them in 20 years....you will be shocked. Its kinda like when you write a story in kindegarten and you read it now. Take responsibility for yourself. I appreciate that you love your gf and I did give you advice I said break up with her...i just hope she finds someone not as shallow as you. Obviously your not mature enough to be in a serious relationship, btw there isnt anything at all wrong with that i never recomend getting serious with someone until your mid to late twenties. Uour early twenties is for establishing yourself, having fun and finishing school becoming independent wnd learning who you are and what you want from your life. As much as i gave you a smart ass answer the truth is that maybe even if you love her its just not the right time for a serious relationship maybe you both need to date more, just dont blame her weight, thats just bullshit. Your feelings and your actions are all on you not others. Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice, apart from the people that didnt give any advice and tried to provide advice to my gf instead. I dont think im immature or else i wouldnt have came here in the first place for advice, most guys would just cheat. I was thinking about screwing this new chick, and totally freaked out anyway, i saw my gf tonight and realised how much i do love her. We have both worked hard in this relationship, and apparently its normal to get a bit bored. We just need to do some fun things! I will help her lose weight with support, she has started the gym. You cant blame me for wanting to screw the other chick because at the end of the day, we are men with penis's thats what theyre there for, we find attractive women attractive, its not my fault! However, it is wrong and i would give up my future wife for a shag.Thanks again everyone
...............................
A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (17 June 2013):
 "Should i cheat on my GF?
I know its wrong and everything..."
Hey, looky there! You answered your own question.
Cheating should never be an option. You can tell your girl that you'd be more attracted to her if she lost a bit of weight. It's more than likely that she's not comfortable with her body either, and needs a good kick in the arse to get motivated enough to get healthy. If you're as fit as you say, you could help her out. Consider it bonding time.
Or you can just break up with your girl, and get a lay in with the one who you've been talking to.
I really hope that you weren't just trolling...
...............................
A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (17 June 2013):
 I think everybody else has covered this fairly well. However, I would like to ask - Why do you want to cheat on your girlfriend of seven years? Personally I think you're now in a place in your life where you want to try and experience something new. You're young, you've only been with one partner (well, for the last several years at least). I think you have grown bored of your relationship and are using her weight as an attempt to justify cheating on her. It's understandable to some extent, but justifiable? Absolutely not.
Have some respect for your partner and for your relationship. You two are bound to have had some great experiences and created a lot of wonderful memories in that time. If you cheat on her, it will completely destroy and ruin everything that you two have shared. Please think about that. Surely you agree that that would be a terrible thing to happen? Especially for the sake of a quick shag!
You can still have relations with this new girl if that is what you truly want, but I urge you to do the honourable and moral thing first by telling your girlfriend how you feel. After seven years together, surely she at least deserves the truth?
...............................
A
female
reader, mooh  +, writes (17 June 2013):
If you are considering to cheat on her, there is probably something else going wrong in the relationship... You also mention having a connection with this new girl... You have been with your gf for 7 years and this since being a teen... It could be that you want to weigh your options, play the field a little. It's quite normal at your age... you're still young, and also people change. Maybe now you're stuck in a routine with your gf and are afraid of life as a single person as it means facing the unknown. Therefore.. seems easier to keep the official gf and have a little fun on the side... seems more comforting, when actually... it's probably just going to end up in a mess with everyone getting hurt! I think you need to re-evaluate what you want in your future and if you see yourself with your current gf. Does the other girl even know you are already in a long time relationship? If you are meant to be with your current gf, then you guys will make it back to one another... maybe it's time for a break...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): Break up with your girlfriend so you can find someone you're attracted to, and she can find someone whose attracted to her. Especially if she can't lose the weight, you will never be attracted to her. So what's the point in being with her then? Without physical attraction, you've got a friendship. It's only fair to let her go. She deserves to be with someone who is attracted to her just as you do. How would you feel if you trusted someone, and loved everything about them only to find out later on they cheated on you because they didn't find you attractive? I always try to put myself in the other person's shoes before I do something that could be considered wrong. And, it usually stops me from doing it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): That's awful, why does it matter what she looks like. I do modelling myself and I don't think looks matter, it sounds like you're the insecure one. I would love my boyfriend even if he was 20 stone! If you want to sleep with another woman, leave your girlfriend and tell her the truth. Why should she waste her life in false hope, when she could be finding other men too. Cheating on her will destroy her trust for life, it can risk diseases and it can change people's ability to have a relationship in the future.
Perhaps one day you wont look so great yourself and will get whats coming to you. What goes around comes around.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 June 2013):
 You said this:
"Im not 100% sexually attracted to my current gf, she is over weight, thats not me being nasty, i mean medically she is over weight"
Actually, you justifying betraying, cheating, and devastating her because she's overweight *is* you being nasty.
You also said this:
"Im no model, but im slim, i workout eat healthy etc... "
Does that give her the right to cheat on you, because you're not a model? What about in 5 years when your hairline recedes? What about if you start growing excess hair on your chest, pick up a couple of love handles? Develop temporary ED? What if you're a slob? What if you found a knockout woman who became dissatisfied with something about you?
My point is -- *NOTHING* justifies cheating ever. There will never be a point in your life when you can ever say with a straight face "You caused me to cheat" or "If you weren't so (fill in the blank), I wouldn't have cheated".
I agree with the others, you should break up with her clean if you don't love her. If you did love her, the very thought of you wanting to cheat on her would horrify you.
One other thing -- she may be overweight, but there will be some other guy out there who would jump at the chance to get his hands all over her. Best to free her up for someone more deserving than you are. I'm guessing she's probably thinking about ways to leave you too after 7 years.
...............................
A
female
reader, xedep +, writes (17 June 2013):
 Im going to answer your question with a question and that's all:
How would you feel if she did that to you because the 'other guy' is better than you for whatever reason?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): Time to breakup, come on seriously you want ur cake and to eat it too?!?! And you want us to say yes? If you do i hope your GF lays on you that shes been cheating on you cause you dont turn her on anymore....smh
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 June 2013):
 Woof, arf bark woof woof arg grrrrr.....
I'm sure you can interpret that.....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): Really? You're actually asking this?
No. Of course you should not cheat on your girlfriend. Rather, try an open and honest conversation with her. Tell her you love her and want to be with her, but her weight is getting in the way of your sexual attraction for her. Most women would cry at that, but if you guys have built something special together, she'll be willing to listen.
If you haven't really built something special together, but you're still just...there because you've been with her since you were 16, please move on. Break up with her first and grow up before inflicting yourself on someone else.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 June 2013):
seven years you've been together and you're willing to throw it all away and sleep with another girl because she's over weight? harsh.
if you're unhappy, break up with her, take some time to heal, and THEN pursue this new girl or someone else. but no, you should not cheat. cheating is the ultimate deception. no one deserves that kind of disrespect. do the right thing.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): No.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): If you are not attracted to your girlfriend why don't you just break up with her? Cheating is so lame. And she'll probably find out.
No you shouldn't cheat. If you are unhappy, just end the relationship. And then go do whatever you want.
...............................
A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (17 June 2013):
 Do you seriously think anyone on here is going to say yes, what a great idea? You sound unbelievably immature. Please break up with her though output you're this shallow and disloyal, as you'll be doing her a favour in the long run.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 June 2013):
 Break up with your GF if she doesn't attract you sexually instead of stabbing her in the back and cheating.
Her being FAT is no excuse to cheat, if you don't know that.. then I feel kind of sorry for you.
...............................
A
male
reader, Uncle PJ +, writes (17 June 2013):
Are you a moron? Do you realise how shallow you're being by even thinking of cheating on your girlfriend because she's overweight.
Forget about your penis for a second and the ego of maybe having someone else attracted to you which is always a temptation and take a look at yourself.
If you're considering cheating on your girlfriend then maybe you don't love her as much as you thought. If this is the case then that poor girl needs to know. She's been loyal, faithful and there for you for seven years and because someone who seems more attractive comes along, you're thinking of throwing it away for a bit of passion or lust.
Do you still love your girlfriend? That's what matters. If not then you have to end it, tell her you just don't love her anymore, don't tell her anything about her weight you'll have broken her heart enough, not that you should even be using that as a reason. Either break up with her and move or forget about this other girl and stay with the girl you 'love'. Either way do not cheat on her.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): My friend you have huge stones to ask if you should cheat on your girlfriend for any reason. You have a relationship going back seven years; so you know how hurtful it will be for her to know you're no longer attracted to her. Why don't you simply tell her the truth? Tell her that you aren't attracted to her anymore; and don't want to have sex with her, because she is over-weight. That way, she can prepare herself emotionally for the inevitable breakup; and move on knowing the real reason.She will realize that you don't really love her, and that there is no longer any reason for her to waste her feelings on someone capable of such insensitivity and cruelty.It's better to be honest and just breakup. Do you think any agony aunt will condone you cheating on your girlfriend?We're here to give people helpful advice; not to suggest people hurt other people.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): If you are starting to have feelings for this other girl, still don't cheat on your current girlfriend! Either tell her and try to fix what's broken, or break up with her. Personally I recommend the first option. You and your girlfriend have been together for such a long time, I don't think it is okay for you to break with her only because of her weight. It is not without a reason that you guys are together, so please consider the consequenses of whatever you are going to do about this situation. Also realize that a strong relationship does not just start out of no where. So if you want to move on with the other girl, you will have to face new difficulties. Do whatever you think is right, but please think carefully before you make a rushed descision! In your situation, three hearts can be broken. Your own, your girlfriend's heart and the other girl's heart. Think carefully and try to find a way out that supports all of these hearts. You don't want any regrets in the end!I hope for you to find a solution, Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): Why not break up with her? And no, don't break up with her for 24 hours, sleep with the other girl and then get back together with her.
You obviously can't possibly love her if you're thinking about this. Let her go.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 June 2013):
NO you should not cheat.
Rather you should break up with her if you do not want to be with her.
...............................
|
