A
female
age
36-40,
*innamonSpice
writes:Hi, any suggestions or help would be gratefully appreciated. My partner and I have been together for 3 yrs and had a baby son 4 mths ago.We've had our ups and downs as most couples do, mainly to do with money as we own a house together and its very costly with a new baby in the house. I'm just a little bit worried that he's no longer happy in our relationship, I know that he chats to other girls on the internet and has even told people that we are no longer together and he lives on his own.We have been having sex for the past 4 nights in a row and he's still quite attentive, but I just get the impression that I'm not enough for him anymore and he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Should I be worried about these other girls he chats to, or brush it under the carpet if we still have a healthy sex life and things aren't too bad at home at the moment??
View related questions:
money, sex life, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (9 May 2008):
 Please let me know how you get on. Remember that people do change and can be remorseful. You may find he has found being a Dad very hard and is feeling left out, or other similar problem. If that is the case, your efforts at getting to the bottom of it will be very worthwhile. If you knew for example that he felt you didn't really love him as much as the baby anymore or was not convinced that you really want to be with him, he may start flirting with the idea of alternatives. In which case you both need to do some work. Anyway, this needs to be taken seriously, it is betrayal and he needs to tell you what is happening. The very best of luck to you and I hope you reach a better understanding and by not hiding and by communicating openly.
A
female
reader, CinnamonSpice +, writes (8 May 2008):
CinnamonSpice is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for your advice... I think I am slightly too forgiving & willing to roll over & play the dutiful girlfriend as I dont want to rock the boat & make things worse.
I think I have lost my trust in him & I know that's an unhealthy relationship to have when you cant trust your partner - esp as there is a child involved.
...............................
A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (8 May 2008):
Sorry but this is a betrayal. Tell him that you know about it, how it makes you feel and that you want it to stop. If it does not there must be a consequence which you should warn him of. There must be a complete apology and he needs to work on rebuilding your trust. Sadly and although you don’t want to admit it, this behaviour will affect your feeling towards him.
What you could do first is make a list of types of behaviour that constitutes betrayal in your opinion and ask him to write his list down too. You may well find that he puts flirting with other guys down, for example. Then discuss your lists, the differences and his present behaviour with him. Agree after that what you both expect of each other. It is not so hard to do this as it sounds. If you just say “Hey, there is something I have been meaning to try with you, what it is, is that we write a list of the different things that mean betrayal to us in relationships”. Hand him the paper and pen and settle to write your own.
It may seem like a trap but it is a completely reasonable thing to do, in fact discussing these kinds of things early in relationships helps establish solid understanding and avoids the development of misconceptions. It will establish how your partner can expect you to behave and makes him clarify what you can expect from him.
If he would like to develop your relationship and preserve your feelings, if that is important to him, he will be extremely sorry and sad. You can say that you are no longer convinced that he has invested as much as you had hoped in your relationship because he appears willing to risk it with behaviours that do not inspire your trust, in fact the opposite.
Tell him that you are re-considering how viable the relationship is in light of what you have discovered. Make him work for this, people don’t value things that they get too easy or can take for granted. If you roll over and give unconditional love it will bring him nothing to fight for. If you stand firm in this he will respect you more. Make him prove that he is worthy of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (8 May 2008):
If my husband was chatting to other girls and telling them he was single then I would be really hurt and angry.
Does he know how upset you are by it or does he just not care?
Tell him that even though it's on the PC doesn't mean it's not real. He might not realise how insensitive he's being.
You need to deal with this now as if he thinks you are fine with him flirting and chatting up girls online, he'll start doing it when he's out with his mates and then it will get worse from there.
Talk to him about it all, ask him if he wants to go out with you more? Get a babysitter and remind him how fun and great you are.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
|
