A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I have been seeing this amazing guy for a few months now and I'm head over heels for him.He is the same towards me. The only thing that worries me is he is 18 years older than me and is separated with kids... Advice please? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (19 June 2017):
 It might work, but more than likely you are both in different stages off your life. He needs to have his divorce finalized before anything happens between you both as if he hasn't he is still legally married. Also you need to think off your future, are you willing to be part off his children's lives? Are you wanting your own children in the future? Has he finished having children? You need to think about more serious issues before getting caught up with him. Maybe you both do want the same things.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2017): I think you're intrigued with his age, caught-up in being involved in something complicated; and carried-away with a man so totally mature, and still technically married.
What an action-adventure?!! Not to mention the potential for drama! It would drive your parents crazy, and that is what makes it all so appealing to someone your age. It spells nothing but trouble, but you must be bored. "Well, buckle-up; it's going to be a bumpy ride!" All is well as long as things are kept in secret. Once the poop hits the fan?!!!
He has a lot to go through emotionally and financially. He has to contend with his wife and family, as they all go through a very difficult transition. Emotions are raw.
Tempers will flare, and you will be caught in the middle!
You would be a big distraction and interference. He can be as crazy about you as he wants. At least 90% of it is lust.
You will be starving for his attention; but he will be pulled away in every direction. He'll be totally absorbed in his past family-life. The children will resent you, his baby-mama will give you full-throttle drama; and you'll be begging for his time and attention away from it.
The waters may be calm now; but wait until the divorce proceedings commence. Then comes the splitting of property and assets, alimony, child-support, and the child-custody issues. You ain't seen nothing yet!
It will be his failing married-life vs. your budding affair. He will not always be attentive to your needs. He will not always relate to your point of view; and you will not understand all the complications that will totally disrupt his life. You'll be tugging at him to be your boyfriend; his wife will be tugging at him to be a husband. His kids will be tugging at him to be their father, and not to breakup their family. Hope you're strong!
He will spend a lot of time going back and forth to her.
She has his children and his house. She'll also do whatever she can to entice him back to her bed. He'll miss it!
Then he may even decide not to divorce, and return to his wife and kids. It would save him tons of legal fees and he gets to keep all his property and assets. He'll retain total access to his kids as their live-in dad.
Go for it. The more anyone is advises against it, the more appealing it becomes. It's best for parents and others to offer you advice, then step out of the way. You have to go through it and learn on your own.
Recreational-sex is basically what he'll want out of it; but getting involved in another full-fledged relationship when coming out of a divorce, is very much unlikely. He will be a nervous-wreck. Freedom will call, and opportunities for dating other women will be very tempting.
If his wife knows about you, she will make sure enough commotion erupts that it will send shock-waves through your romance. Leaving a wife and family for someone 18 years younger is such an slap in the face; his wife will go mental! You're so very young, but you've yet to experience such fury and scorn that kind of thing ignites in an ex-wife!
If he has a teenage daughter, heaven help you. If he maintains his paternal-rights and child-custody; move over. He will have scheduled visits from the kids, and you'll have to win them over.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2017): Wait until he is properly divorced. How old are his kids? What would his financial situation be after the divorce? Think about these things as they will affect your life with him, and think about whether or not that is a life you can live. It's not all about love and attraction, it's also about compatibility and finding a partner you will have low conflict level with. If money will always be an argument, or his kids will be an argument, or his ex wife will interfere with your relationship (as they are known to do) then you will have a high conflict level. It is better then to walk away before getting too deeply involved. When it comes to love, you need to use both your heart AND your head. Not just the heart.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 June 2017):
 He is separated NOT divorced. So he still has LEGAL obligations to his wife and family OVER you.
If I were you, I'd wait till his divorce is final before jumping into anything. Why do I say that? Because it DOES happen that people who are separated decide NOT to go forward with the divorce to work it out.
And the whole IDEA of a separation os for folks to figure out what they REALLY want and to MOVE on emotionally etc. from their partner. If the two of them still have a lot of things to work out (whether they divorce or not) HE needs to have that sorted out BEFORE jumping into a relationship with you.
Why are they separated? Do you know?
As for the age gap, sure it can work even though you two are at different stages of your lives. If you want kids and he doesn't, then what? Are you supposed to give up your dreams of kids? What about marriage? So many people ho have been married and then divorce doesn't WANT to marry again. He has kind of "been there, done that" with someone else. How do you feel about that?
I'd go VERY VERY slow here and honestly? IF there is a potential for something good and lasting, I'd wait till that divorce is final.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (8 June 2017):
 More details please.
Where and how did you meet him? How old are the kids? Why just separated, why is he not divorced yet? Who do the kids stay with? How involved is the ex in his life?
The next obvious concern is that of age. Assuming you're 25 and he's 43, have you thought about what's going to happen if and when you decide to have kids? Even if it happens within the next couple of years, he'll be 45 when your child is born. What's his financial situation like? He has to pay for essentially 2 families so he better be really well off.
I know you're really happy right now and I don't want to rain on your parade but remember that everything is great when you're dating and seems hunky dory. Reality is very very different.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (8 June 2017):
 Also, "separated" should always be "divorced" before dating. If he's not divorced yet, it is a messy situation to be in.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (8 June 2017):
It could work, but he's old enough to be your dad and he's in a completely different stage of life to you. You're just starting out in life and he's practically halfway through it (in terms of experiences).
Also, his kids should always come first and if he does anything irresponsible, you should reconsider his parenting style.
He may be a great guy, but there are millions of them out there who are in a similar life stage to you.
If it's bothering you slightly already, it's a sign.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (8 June 2017):
 It COULD work. The age gap need not be a problem.
HOWEVER, you need to remember he comes as a job lot with his kids. He will always be their father, regardless of what happened between him and their mother. He will also always have a connection with their mother because of them. Never give him a hard time for spending time with his kids or doing stuff for them, even if that takes away from YOUR time, which it often may.
On top of that, if the relationship looks like becoming serious, the subject of more children needs to be discussed. Do YOU want children? If so, does he want more? This can often be a deal breaker.
Also, there is always the possibility that he will get back with his wife. These things do happen. Couples try to reconcile and work things out - for the sake of the children if nothing else.
It may be that, after years of marriage and looking after kids, he is kicking up his heels and enjoying being in a relationship where he has little responsibility. Things COULD change once every day responsibilities kick in.
Having said all that, if you enjoy this man's company and he enjoys yours, then go with it and enjoy your time together. No relationship comes with guarantees. Just be aware of the possible pitfalls.
Good luck.
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