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Should I be suspicious that my LDR girlfriend hasn't told anyone about us?

Tagged as: Dating, Long distance, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 May 2019) 5 Answers - (Newest, 16 May 2019)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I've officially been with my LDR girlfriend for six months now, I'm in the UK and she's in the US. I've been open about our relationship from the beginning but my girlfriend on the other hand hasn't told anyone, other than one of her friends. At first it didn't bother me - a relationship is very private after all and between two people, but also on the other hand, this girl says she's certain she wants to marry me. If she's so confident about us, why hasn't she even changed her relationship status? It's blank at the moment on her social media accounts, but it was when we first friended each other before anything romantic happened - am I right to be suspicious when people have blank relationship statuses? Or am I just weird and over reacting?

In the very beginning of our relationship before we were official when I referred to my girlfriend as my friend to my dad before telling him about us and told her that is what I said, she got very down with me. It's like she wants everyone in my life to know, but I'm a secret in hers? I don't get that, it seems a bit weird to me.

I understand that with a long distance relationship comes a lot of judgement, but to me that's something you sign up for. It isn't as if you can act surprised when it happens, because it's pretty much guaranteed - but surely that shouldn't matter and shouldn't be a real reason to keep things a secret for so long? Or maybe that is unreasonable for me to say. We have a very good relationship, and this isn't even something I had thought about until today when a colleague asked me what my girlfriends parents thought of me and now suddenly my minds gone crazy. I thought I'd ask here first for some perspective before bringing it up. Thanks.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (16 May 2019):

YouWish agony auntI think in this case, you're putting the cart before the horse. She's made mention of a future and marriage, and it's obvious your feelings for each other are real, and she in fact DID inform one of her friends about your relationship together, so she's not entirely keeping you a secret from everyone.

However, announcing an LDR in my opinion MUST have an endgame planned, or it's not an announceable relationship, but rather two people living across country with feelings for each other.

What I mean is, if I asked you the question "When do you two plan on NO LONGER being long distance?", what would your answer be?? If you two have a definitive answer, such as "I'm moving to the US after school's out in June" or "Her military deployment is up this coming October, and then she returns home" or even "She is interviewing for jobs in the UK and will be moving here as soon as she gets a solid offer", THEN that's announce-worthy, and she should let her people know.

However, if you two don't know when you'll be together, or it's some vague goal as in "When we save a bunch of money" or "We really want to and we talk about it all the time", then what is there to announce?? Those relationships are most likely doomed because they have no plans for realizing the relationship and bringing it beyond pen pal status with occasional dream-trips to meet for a few days at a time.

You have some things to sort out before worrying about who she's told and what she's announced on social media because if you two don't have an end-date planned, you don't have a relationship. My parents were LDR at the start of their relationship, but what made them successful was a definitive stop date. He was deployed in the military and had gone off to war. They were apart for 3 years until the war ended for him, and then they got married and moved in together. They got to spend in total two months together during the entire 3 years they were in the relationship, but they had the plans for the END of the LD part of the LDR. You need those plans too.

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom +, writes (15 May 2019):

If you haven’t brought it up, you should at least ask her about this and use this conversation as the reason to explain why you’ve started thinking about it.

I think N91 has given you a pretty decent picture of the difficulties and challenges with a relationship where there is this much distance. You are right that people will have strong opinions on this matter, and may think it unworkable. Yes, it’s true that accepting that is part of taking the rough with the smooth. But it doesn’t sound like she wants to. The feelings may be intense, but does she seriously consider all the things N91 pointed out? The fact is that if this really is serious, someone is going to have to make big changes to their lives to make this work.

I do wonder if this is more a relationship of feelings and connections rather than genuine commitment. Both of you have this deep sense of belonging to something and being part of something in your shared feelings. It’s easy to show each other the very best and idealised versions of ourselves when we’re 2 people half a world away. But if she hasn’t told her family, and your major concern is her Facebook status, I’m not convinced either of you think this is built on foundations that will last.

I wish you all the very best.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2019):

I don't really know about your situation - but I've had relationships in the past where one person lived far away and we would only see each other once in a while, if that. I couldn't bring myself to tell my family or friends I had a 'boyfriend' as officially we couldn't do gf/bf things like go to the movies or hang out on an even as 'a couple' with friends.

This doesn't mean your love life isn't real - as it is and feelings will be the same as if you were seeing a girl every other day, it just can be awkward explaining the situation to people.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (14 May 2019):

N91 agony auntPossibly.

How serious actually are you both about this? Have you ever met? Do you have plans to? What’s the long term goal? Who’s moving to the other person? What’s the timescale for the move? These are the questions that are important right now.

A lot of LDRs are doomed to fail from the beginning because they’re mainly just a fantasy of what could be. A whirlwind romance with no actual substance where the pair don’t meet or have any kind of plan in place to eventually live together so they just fizzle out. I’d be discussing that kind of information first and then you could bring up who she’s told about the scenario and then take it from there.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2019):

OP, I have to ask if you two have ever met, in person? I have no way to know why your relationship is a LDR. Since her parents are in the USA though, I am making the leap that you guys met on a website. Please forgive me, if I have that wrong. If you have never met, you two are living a fantasy life. This kind of relationship is only an illusion. The thing is that you are more deeply investing in this fantasy, than what you girlfriend is! It seems odd to me that a girl who is certain that she has found the man that she is going to marry, is not running her mouth, and telling everyone under the sun, everything about you! I hope that I am wrong, but you could be one of several guys, being played by this girl. Just be careful, and try to verify things. I would hate for you to get hurt, and be embarrassed in front of everyone that you have told about her. Take care! Blessings!

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