A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What can a man do when he is in a committed relationship that he cannot do once he gets engaged?I ask because my boyfriend of several years (who I live with) told me last week that he was too young for a marriage committment at 26 when we were talking. All the issues that make a man (apparently) shy away from commitment do not seem to be present - I encourage his freedom, I give him space, I am not controlling, I don't have kids or baggage, we are financially stable, he seems happy with our sex life etc...If a man says he is 'too young' it suggests to me that he wants to see other women and have his own life experiences before he settles down.My boyfriend is already settled down!! And he doesn't hint at wanting to see other women or etc.So what is this 'too young' comment meant to mean?!Im confused. He says I am 'the one' and that he loves me, and yes, he IS in a committed relationship in which we are an engaged couple in every aspect minus the actual proposal and the ring (lol).His friends are mainly single guys who like to act as 'players' and go out looking for women in bars etc. Would this impact him?I just don't understand why he is saying he is 'too young'. We used to talk about getting engaged and marriage when it was new and fun, but now he never mentions it aside from talking about the distant future of getting a house (an investment in his eyes only perhaps?)And yet he seems happy with me.Please help!!
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (20 August 2011):
 He is'nt ready.
Think of a mountain climber. Think of different plateaus of a mountain as stages of a relationship.
Right now, you see the summit and you are ready to go there and claim that top of the mountain! You have your flag in hand! You are already with your teammate, have all your maps and equipment and are ready to go NOW.
He knows he wants to get there too, with YOU, but just not right NOW.
You know that the both of you are probably the best climbing partners for each other. You know each others weaknesses and strengths.
Where he is standing now, at some beautiful, comfortable, committed vista...is enough for him right now. He is catching his breath from where he has been and is enjoying the view from where he is.
Not going to the top does not mean he wants off the mountain. Let him be the mountain leader here. He will let you know when he is ready to climb higher.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2011): If using cold hard financial logic makes a man "scared" then you can call me terrified.
1. Marriage is the same relationship + more financial risk for men if we split up.
2. Over half of all marriages split up.
3. Marriages already cost a lot of money and stress just for the wedding by itself.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 August 2011):
 He's scared. I don't know what else to tell you, but he's scared, and it's not about the practical aspect of it. I think you and him see it differently in this case. You are logical, think about the here and now's, that nothing physically changes, and your emotions stay the same, your prospects stay the same etc. My bet is that's not what bothers him. He can understand that the physical aspect of it remains the same, there aren't things he can do now that he can't do while engaged... but there's something else to it for him. It's the idea that scares him. It's the abstract side of the engagement, the idea, the value it holds, the mental step it takes to commit on that level, the personal development of it. Taking the relationship to a "new" stage, despite nothing physically changing. It's about the label I think, and just how much value that label holds to him.
He's not ready, it's not about his age. People younger than him get married and feel ready. It's about him not feeling ready to take that step. He might never get ready, or you might just not be the one, or he might just need more time.
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A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (20 August 2011):
Well, if you want to really rip this one open dramatically, you could always say "Well, I am ready to get married and move on with my life, so I will need to find someone that is old enough".
Very often when one person wants to get married and the other does not, that is the beginning of the end.
I am assuming the two of you have been seeing each other a long time?
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