A
female
age
41-50,
*mouramour
writes:My boyfriend is a self defense instructor at our gym. He teaches an hour class one evening each week voluntarily. I noticed this evening that he came home from his class, wearing cologne. This is the first time that I have ever noticed him wearing cologne to his self defense class. I don't want to appear as that insecure girlfriend, so I really have no desire to mention it to him, but I am honestly feeling slightly naturally uncomfortable with it. What is it take? Thank you.
View related questions:
insecure, no desire Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2017): Hi. Sorry you are feeling this way. It isn't a very good feeling. I should know. My boyfriend is also a fitness instructor and his clients are predominantly women. I take his classes too and to be quite honest, I cannot stand the fact he has to be around so many women, even as part of his job. I think the insecurity goes with the territory when your BF or husband is in a role in which women are looking to him for leadership and guidance. He is front and centre. Clearly he is charming and has an outgoing personality to do this kind of a job. And he has to perform and take it up a notch in order to keep them coming back. He strives to be liked and personable and to be trusted. So, he is bang on when he does his job and at his very best. So this does not help. And you know that in these roles, there is always someone who is likely to develop a crush on him. Sometimes the women mistake his kindness and friendliness for more. Sometimes an action, look or gesture can be considered "IFFY" and misinterpreted (or not) and this is when you need to rely on your man to show his character and integrity. Believe me, I so often wish he could be working with a bunch of smelly, fat men construction workers instead!! Lol And if he went into a new line of work, I would be (not so secretly) yelling YAY from the rooftops! So, yes you can trust him. But you will still worry. It all depends on your boyfriend's character at the end of the day. Character is what determines actions. Has he cheated before? Has he ever been in a compromising position? How has your relationship been lately? And have you noticed any other changes? Even subtle? Sometimes we see things in a man that we really like and we worry that the same things that drew us to him will draw other women in the same way. You have to trust that he is a professional and that he knows his boundaries. And that if any women attempt to cross them, he will put them in their place. And you will also need to trust that he will never be the one to initiate some sort of after class meetings that could lead to more... He is the gate keeper. Nothing happens without his approval. Do you trust him not to cross the line? Do you trust him to rebuff any advances from other women? If you don't, then you are going to drive yourself crazy with anxiety and paranoia. And will cause a rift in your relationship. Trust is the cornerstone. Without it, you are poisoning your relationship. Think about this. If you question him a lot or constantly accuse him, you will eventually drive him away. He will not be satisfied with you and if there is a woman who fancies him or vice versa, there will be an opening created for that woman. You don't want that. You need to keep your relationship solid. That means trusting him.However, having said that, you still need to keep your eyes open. If he has never worn cologne before, why now? See if it becomes a habit. A one off is not enough evidence. When someone does something repeatedly, then it is a red flag. One time my boyfriend shaved his pubic area. I panicked about that as you can imagine! I thought he was obviously trying to impress some new chick in the bedroom. He said he did it for me because I always got his pubic hair in my mouth when performing oral on him. I did not believe him for a while and it was not good. I ordered him to grow it back. Because I like hairy men. And so he did. And never shaved it again so I put that behind me. But I can certainly understand your concerns. Changes in behaviour or routine are usually worrisome when it comes to men. And we women have a sixth sense about this stuff. We sense it a mile away so never discount your intuition either. Just quietly observe at this point. I would not mention it just yet. As for the time line, it appears he had put the cologne on before the class. If it was at home and he came home smelling of cologne, he had put it on before he left the house. Correct? OR did he have a chance to go into the bathroom to put it on before seeing you? I think if something iffy went on, he would have gone straight to the shower. Also, did he come home right after the class or did he hang back for awhile? You need to see how long he takes to come home. There is usually not too much reason to hang around after. Maybe some of the participants have questions or chit chat for a few minutes but you will be able to see what a reasonable amount of time would be. Again, if it also becomes a habit if he ever stays later and later, you need to find out why. It would be premature to come up with a conclusion right now. You need to find out from this point forward if there are other changes to his routine and behaviour. If this is the beginning of something "unprofessional" with a student, then you will start to notice it in the coming weeks. It will all be easy to piece together over time. I know many won't agree but if you really think he is up to no good, you could always wait around at the gym in the parking lot after class to see when he leaves and if anyone is with him. Or you could periodically pop in after his class to surprise him with a coffee or his favourite drink, a dazzling smile and a big kiss on his lips. This will tell all the other women to keep their HANDS OFF.Hope I was able to help.
A
female
reader, Nittynora  +, writes (12 January 2017):
 You know the media the internet etc all give us "signs to look out for when your partner/hubby/wife is cheating", Signs such as dressing differently, behaving differently, wearing cologne when they don't usually wear cologne. Then people wonder why we worry and question when our boyfriends etc come home smelling differently.
It may be nothing at all just keep your eyes open and watch. If it happens again, just say "ooh you smell nice" and see what he says. I would not question him too much because he will hide if he is up to no good. I'm sure its nothing though.
...............................
A
female
reader, blueskyday +, writes (12 January 2017):
There are so many other factors to consider.
Perhaps your boyfriend noticed he smelled during the class or maybe he didn't have time to take a shower that day. Honestly, even if he is trying to impress " the ladies " what's so wrong with that? We girls do it with makeup and etc. there's nothing unnatural about him wanting to be liked. Don't jump to any conclusions and don't over analyze. just wait and see.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2017): Did he get the cologne for Christmas? It's the first time you noticed, but are you sure it's the first time he's worn it?
Could it be you've never really noticed, period?
I think you need more substantial evidence to decide that he's up to no good. Perhaps he'd like to smell better than sweat and musty body odor when he comes home.
If you suspect he's trying to impress the ladies; you might still need more than that.
You can always ask him why. My answer would be in the form of a question. Why not?
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 January 2017):
 Forget the cologne, I'd be more worried about how low your level of trust is in your boyfriend. If his wearing cologne made you uncomfortable to the extent of asking for advice for strangers on the internet then something is obviously not right with your relationship.
On a different note, why didn't you just ask him about the cologne?
Has he ever cheated on you? Has he given you any reason to be skeptical of his actions?
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (12 January 2017):
 They do say that one of the first signs something is going on is when someone changes their routine/habits.
However, I think it's a bit early to worry. There could be a number of explanations: your boyfriend could have felt a bit warm/smelly before the class and put on cologne for the benefit of anyone he was coming close to. He could have put it on because he didn't want to come home all smelly. Or someone could have sprayed him as a prank (it happens).
See what happens next week and, if he's fragrant again, think of a way to bring it up without sounding accusing.
...............................
A
female
reader, Amouramour +, writes (12 January 2017):
Amouramour is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you!! He actually came directly home from the class. His colonge was at our condo...So it's not like he has it on him.
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (12 January 2017):
 The person to ask about this is, naturally, your boyfriend. But I wouldn't assume any wrongdoing on his part over this, as the most likely explanation isn't anything sinister at all. He could very well have gotten sweaty during class/thought he smelled bad after class and used the cologne to mask that until he had the opportunity to shower. If you were able to smell his cologne, had he not used it the same interaction would have left you with a nose full of male body odor instead. Probably he thought he was doing you a favor :)
See what he does next week and if he wears it again you can casually remark on it and see what he says.
Hope this helps. Best wishes!
...............................
|
