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Should I be an asshole to get girls? Or be the nice guy? Or just give up and save myself the hassle?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 April 2012) 9 Answers - (Newest, 18 April 2012)
A male United States age 30-35, *ocialyconfused writes:

Im 19 and have aspbergers disorder (autism).

tragicly for me, im a super nice guy.

I dont think im ugly or that it had to do with my looks sense ive seen way gnarly looking asshole guys get handful's of women.

I want to know if its better to be a nice guy, an asshole, or give up and save myself the trouble,.

if i just give up than i wont have to wonder about it anymore and i can still stay as a good person.

ive been nice my whole life because im afraid that karma will someday bite me on the ass. after living my life this way for so long that i find it hard to be any other way.

i tried being an asshole once after the sad epiphany that girls don't like nice guys. I basically aid all the terrible things that i could think to say and got her number. afterwords i felt tremendously guilty for all the awful things i said even though the interaction was successful. then i threw away the number thinking i dont want to be with someone whose crazy like that. im not sure if that was the right thing to do but my pride got the better of me.

i havent tried anything like that sens then because im afraid of turning into a bad person. but what if im sopposed to be an asshole? or what if just too strange?

now all i do is obsess over my artwork and music playing to distract myself from the things i think are unfortunate.

should i be an asshole?

should i stay nice?

should i give up?

do you have better suggestions?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012):

You know, you *can* actually overcome aspergers syndrome (main trick is to get out of your usual routines and try something new).

But first, no need to throw out the girl's number yet- Date her, see how it goes and enjoy it for what happens.

If you still don't like it, you can leave her later. Don't worry about failure- failure is good- you get more out of failing than you do out of avoiding it and planning to 'get it right' the first time.

Second- again, before you try, EVERYTHING looks like 'being bad'- but just do it- you will gradually learn how to balance assertiveness to the actual 'bad' traits you may currently associate with it.

But to answer your question- be nice, but act a *little* bad, and don't be afraid to go for what you want- if she REALLY doesn't like it, she can always say 'no'- and no harm done (despite what you believe- it does NOT put a sour note on the relationship to bump into one of her boundaries).

The bright side, by acting this way, you also attract nicer girls and help repel the less-nice ones (no guarantees- though it works for me).

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A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (17 April 2012):

person12345 agony auntMy boyfriend has mild aspergers, he didn't get his first girlfriend until 19 (that was me) even though he is extremely attractive. Not because he's too nice, but because he's very shy. In fact if I hadn't asked him out we never would have dated even though he liked me and tried to flirt with me. You shouldn't be a jerk, you just need to be more confident. If it's hard to be confident in person, you can always ask girls out by facebook, handwritten letters in their mailboxes if you're at college, or text. Just remember in order not to be creepy keep it as short as possible. No love letters right off the bat, just "Do you want to go to the movies this weekend?" sign it with your number, that's it.

Assholes don't really attract women, they just go after what they want and put themselves out there without fear of rejection and that means their "dating pool" is larger.

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A male reader, Odds United States +, writes (17 April 2012):

Odds agony auntI think there's a language barrier between you and some of the comments here. I've lately realized that a lot of nice guys say "only assholes get women," but that a nice guy's definition of "asshole" is pretty vanilla. Am I correct in guessing that when you got that girl's number, you didn't tell her she was an awful person or deliberately try to hurt her feelings? That instead, you just didn't worry about being polite or about what she'd think, and that you figured she could enforce her own boundaries like an adult, while you felt free to test her boundaries? That you teased her a bit? That you expressly decided to talk to her because she was hot and you wanted to screw her, and that you didn't force yourself to worry about a pretense of noticing her personality from across the room?

That's not being an asshole, that's being a confident, assertive man who knows what he wants and treats women like rational adults. Start riding a motorcycle and you'll have it figured out.

Now, don't wait for these girls to "come to their senses." They never do, they never grow out of liking brash confidence and devil-may-care fun. They only settle as they get older, after they've had their fun, and there is no reason for you to wait until they're all thirty before you enjoy some time with them.

First, read this:

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-be-attractive-a-beginners-guide-for.html

Second, start expecting women to take care of themselves. They are not delicate flowers who wilt at the thought of flirting. Go out and expect them to enforce their own boundaries - respect their stated wishes, but don't go trying to stay perfectly inoffensive and away from any kind of flirting. Learn through trial and error. Best of luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012):

I'm only going to say this once.

Of course nobody likes assholes. The only girls who go out with guys that treat them like rubbish are the girls who already have their own issues (extremely low self-steem, neglectful parents, maybe even abused in childhood, etc). Believe me, you don't want to be responsible for a girl with issues like that. Maybe nobody explained this to you before, but it's completely true. Every girl with two brain cells appreciates a nice guy

BUT

most of the time, being nice just isn't enough.

Look, each girl has her own 'ideal' type. Some girls like funny guys, others are highly attracted to intellectual ones, others just want a guy who shares their passion for hiking and photography. Being just nice isn't enough, you need to have some kind of personality. And remember: being nice and being confident are NOT incompatible. There will be times you'll have to stand up for yourself and ask for what you want and other times you'll have to swallow your pride and let go. You'll have to act accordingly to each situation, it's part of growing up. You're young, you'll learn as you go.

So first of all, you have to figure yourself out. Find out what kind of person you are, what do you want to do with your life, etc. Find a hobby you like or something to fill your time. Try to learn new things, anything that makes you feel better about yourself and makes you grow as a person. Then you can find a girl who is compatible with you and who is attracted to your personality traits.

I'm afraid that all I know about autism is very vague, so I don't know how it affects your own situation. Regardless, just take it easy and don't stress yourself over with this. You must be tired of hearing this, but you're extremely young. You have plenty of time.

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A female reader, Shadow Rose United States +, writes (17 April 2012):

Shadow Rose agony auntWell yeah, if you want a slutty/psycho bitch to go with that new asshole attitude, then that's the way you should go.

But honestly, you just end up hurting her and yourself, so PLEASE don't try to be an ass.

Girls are attracted to confidence. Just be yourself, and try to be confident. That will get you a nice girl, and you'll feel good! It may take a while, but if you really want something, you have to work for it sometimes.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (17 April 2012):

chigirl agony auntI think you need to just give yourself some more time before you draw any conclusions on what you need to do, or how you should be, to get a girl.

You are only 19, you are so young, and you have barely gotten to the age where most people begin to date. So don't give up when you're just barely at the starting line. This is where it really begins, and whatever luck or not you had with girls as a teenager don't really count. The Casanova's of high school can end up like bums in the adult life, and not get a wonderful relationship. While most who were shy, or held back a bit as teenagers, bloom and become responsible adults capable of solid relationships.

So just give yourself time to mature and time to meet someone who is right for you. Don't worry so much about what you should be or what you should do etc. Remember that you have several years ahead of you to figure out what you want in a girl, and how you should approach her. The dating game has just begun at your age, so relax a bit. You're not in a hurry.

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (17 April 2012):

Yos agony auntGirls don't like guys who are assholes.

Girls like guys who are confident, brave, and know what they want.

You can be that and a nice guy too. Then you have the best of both worlds.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012):

ok first of all you should nerver give up, i can garanty you that you will find a girl who cares about you for who you are and having autism will not change that, i have three friends that have autism and they all have girlfriends. my second point is that if you pretend to be an asshole youll most likekly end up with a stuck up prick as a girlfriend and your never going to be able to act like your true self with her, because your technicaly pretending to be someone else.the best idvice that i could give you would be this,try and meet someone that has the same interests as you, for example, you said that you liked art and music right? so try and get more involved with that stuff in your community for example you can volunteer at art shows and plays, youll be really surprised at how many great people youll meet, and the best part is that youll have something in comon to talk about because chances are that if their there they like art to.

good luck and never give up :)

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A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom +, writes (17 April 2012):

k_c100 agony auntI'm a girl and I like nice guys. I hate the assholes, I can spot them a mile off and I stay well away! I hate men that play games, that treat girls like crap...I have no time for those kinds of men, I want a nice guy with good manners who treats me right and makes me feel special.

I think you have just been unlucky with the girls you have met, not all girls want the assholes I promise! I think it will be to do with your age as well - younger girls (i.e. under 21 normally) tend to like the bad guys, and then as the grow up they realise it is pointless wasting time getting messed around by jerks and they understand that nice guys are the way forward!

You were right to throw away the number of that girl who you were an asshole to - those kinds of girls that want bad guys are addicted to drama and like the ups and downs. They are the kinds of girls that want relationship drama so they can complain to their friends and be the centre of attention.

I think the best thing for you is to stop worrying about girls for now, and simply be yourself. Never be a walkover letting girls push you around, girls like a nice guy but they dont want him to be soft! While I like nice guys, I dont like a guy who cant stand up to a girl when she is taking the piss, a man needs to be nice but assertive.

As girls around your age grow up and mature I'm sure you will have more sucess in relationships and dating. So I think you should just hang fire on dating, stop thinking about it and wait and see what happens in the future. Often you tend to find relationships when you stop looking for them - so focus on all the other great things in your life, spend time with friends and family etc., be yourself and see what happens. I'm sure you will have more luck once girls grow up a bit, I know its not great to wait years but you are still young and you have plenty of time for girls!

I hope this helps and good luck!

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