A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am overcoming a long, co-dependent relationship. I have looked into my childhood with help of a counsellor and I understand why I was co-dependent. In order to change and move on I've had to not only look at co-dependency in my past relationships with partners, but with family and friends. It's really beginning to feel wonderful to understand where I've been 'going wrong'. I still feel scared about developing new relationships with friends and with a new partner, but I'm also starting to feel excited. I'm still learning to spot possible co-dependents and put up appropriate boundaries, but I'm also trying to combine this with having a lot more confidence about being 'selfish' and expressing my needs and my desires.The thing that I get confused about at the moment is how much care to show to someone if you think they might be interested in a relationship. In the past it has been so 'natural' for me to put myself very quickly into the role of carer for everyone I meet - even caring through paying extra special attention to what they say and how I respond. For example, in the past I used to have lots of dinner parties and make loads of really nice food for others. This actually began in my family when I was growing up - I would go to a huge amount of bother to make a nice dinner for them in order to feel loved and because I felt responsible for 'mending' my family and trying to put it on a functional pathway by doing things like this. Now, I just don't do this - I hate doing this now! - but I will make nice food now and again - a nice cake or something, as long as it doesn't take too long. Recently a co-worker whom I've known for 6 years now, and who at first I found very difficult because I thought his boundaries were very rigid but who I now realise just has very healthy boundaries in place, and who I think really likes me, asked if I could bring him a hot drink on my way back from lunch because he was stuck in his office. I'd often thought, well before then, of offering to do this for him but 'checked' my own impulses to start caregiving and to put myself in a servile role, however small. Bear with me please - I know it may seem insignificant to lots of people but things like this have, in the past, led me into giving far too much to people by way of support and help.Also, to make things more complicated, I've had to read a lot about manipulative behaviour in order to see how others have manipulated me and to look into the possibility that I was manipulating them - and why and how people start 'caring' in order to then manipulate people - so I never offered to get a drink for him before now, even though I felt the urge to many times, in case he thought a. I was trying to manipulate him slowly and steadily by making this a regular 'job' of mine b. started a co-dependent relationship. I recently ended a friendship with someone that I realised was manipulating me and one of the things that she would do is to give un-needed 'help' or support in order to be able to manipulate my feelings - often giving me little gifts and things to make me feel indebted to her, but all the while using me for other reasons.To make things even more complicated, I live alone and, if I bake a cake or batch of them, I have no-one really to give any to and end up eating the whole lot, which I don't want as I'm trying to maintain weight balance. So, I'd often thought that I could take a cake in for him. And yeah, part of me wanted to impress him with what a good cook I am. When he asked if I could bring him a drink, I was delighted to be asked because I know he simply wouldn't do this with anyone, that in a way it is a sign of affection from him that he can ask for this, and part of me thought, okay, next week, I will bring in a cake for him as well, I want to show him that I like him and I know I bake really good cakes and part of me wants to express my femininity. BUT I don't want to get into the role of being the tea and cake 'provider' from now on.I'm partly laughing as I write this because I know I must sound like a crazy lady who is completely over-thinking something that most people wouldn't bat an eye to!!! But can people see how complicated things like this get when you are trying to avoid co-dependency and put new patterns in place? I wonder if anyone has any tips or advice they can give me about how to weigh up little situations like this that are actually quite significant but seem minuscule. I know I seem hyper-vigilant but it's only the stage I'm at right now, because I'm trying to 're-train' my brain. It's hard to get a balance of learning new confidence whilst eliminating a tendency to over-care. I suppose I also worry that, if I never show any care for anyone, people will think I'm coldhearted and I'll get no care in return. How do I measure if I'm getting boundaries and impulses right?Thanks everyone!
View related questions:
co-worker, confidence, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2014): CindyCares you have really hit the nail on the head...it's not that I'd be doing anything unusual by anyone else's standards, it's just that for me knowing my own history I am having to re-learn when 'normal' behaviour is actually co-dependent behaviour on my part.What complicates this I suppose is that not all of us are in the office on the same days or even at the same times - we all work different shifts so sometimes I am alone with some people and sometimes I am only there with him. When he asked me to get the drink for him it was one of the times we were alone - now you could think 'okay he only asked me cos there was no-one else' but the thing is this guy is very, very careful about stuff like that. He really would only ask if he felt like he was close to you or trusted you in some way. Otherwise he would just usually wait until I got back to the office and then pop out himself to get what he needed. He's a complete gentleman but, like I said, he is very strict about boundaries and this makes me feel very safe with him. There's no blurring, which often happens with co-dependants.I do think you are right, that I need to get used to receiving. As soon as you said this, I realised that it is exactly this that I need to focus on. It actually made me a bit anxious to let go of the idea of baking for him...and maybe this is the sign that can tell me in future if something is not right - if I get anxious about not being able to do it, then maybe it was a sign of co-dependency in the first place. I think I will go bake myself a cake to recover from all of this!!!! Thanks again!!!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 February 2014):
 Ok, got it... what people some times do in your office is to bring in goodies for EVERYBODY to share. So if you are going to bring your mini cakes for everybody, AND you are also offering him one, go ahead of course ( then again, you have no alternative, surely you can't give sweets to everybody BUT him). I doubt he will suspect your " ulterior motives " because home baked goodies say more " nurturing " than " seductive "- and this is either good or bad ,depending if you want him to guess you've got an ulterior motive, or you want him not to know it.
It sounds pretty innocuous , and yet... I would stop a sec , being you , with the problem you had and a too easy identification with the role of nurturer and caregiver.
You say that " some of us do it " : How many these " some " are: 3, 4 ...? Out of how many in total : 10, 30, 50 ?. I am not nitpicking, it does make a difference. If ,say,all your office , had this pleasant habit that everybody takes turn to bring in something to share, that would be wonderful. But if you find that at the end of the day the domestic goddesses are always the same 2 or 3 people, and everybody else goes : awww how nice ! these cookies are delightful !..... but then they never reach into their pockets, or devote their thought and time ,to reciprocate.... I would not do it , if I were you. I would make a conscious effort to go against my grain. Let the other ladies be Mother Earth or Mother Office , if they enjoy it - but for you it's a bit more of a sensitive issue, you are tryng to me MORE and OTHER than just the nurturer/ caregiver role which you are so prompt to adopt. So, for once, I'd do just nothing, I would try and enjoy the role of that who RECEIVES the cookies which someone else has baked for her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 February 2014):
 No worries, it's good you cleared it up.
But like I said (and I still stand by my advice) BAKE for the whole office, not just him. Or bake for occasions - such as Birthday/promotions/new baby/moving away.
However..... baking lovely cookies or whatnot, DO put you more in a maternal role ( the care-giver role you are trying to avoid) more then a "hint hint, nudge nudge" kind of message.
I love to cook and bake and I test out new recipes on my kids and their class mates ( they don't complain hehhe) and one time the principal of my middle daughter school got one and mentioned how he had enjoyed the cookies. My husband and I ran into him at the store. So I baked a batch for the whole staff - not just for him, and I had no ulterior motive other then to make a nice gesture to some people who work hard. I also volunteer baked goods for Bake Sales.
My suggestion is, if you aren't sure it's a good move or not, then don't DO it, if you have emotions or "strings" attached - in your case.. ulterior motive.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2014): Oh dear...this is the OP...I should've clarified some details - it's something that some of us sometimes do in the office anyway - I don'e mean ONE BIG cake just for that person - we sometimes bring in things either bought or home made - so, if one person bakes a batch of cookies, he or she will bring them into share. The 'cake' that I had in mind was just like the size of a brownie or granola bar - you know the kind of thing that you can buy with your coffee but which tastes much nicer if you bake it at home. He knows that I love baking and it really would not seem odd in this context at all...the reason I asked is that it seems difficult for me to just do what everyone else is doing because I know I have a bit of an 'ulterior motive' that's all. We're both single after long relationships, that's why I started to feel a bit different towards him.I can see exactly what you mean but I never had any intention of baking a massive special cake just for him! I may have been c0-dependant in the past but not THAT co-dependant! Ha ha...it's quite funny really. Sorry for any misunderstanding I caused though...
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 February 2014):
No no, no cake !
He asked you to bring him a drink, once. Ok, that's fine, bring him a drink- as you would do for any other colleague , I guess. If he asks as second time, because he gets " sruck " in his offoce again... uhm, ok. Benefit of the doubt. If he asks a third time- heck no, nip it in the bud, be " stuck " you too,he's taking adavantage of your courtesy and trying to turn you into his personal errand girl.
As for the cake, why, he asks you for a beverage, and you bring him a whole cake : )? Isn't it going quite overboard?
Why should you bake him a cake , considering that it's not any special occasion, and that you two aren't extremely close ?.
Yes I get it, your cake is a way to drop hints and to tell him " come and get me big boy "... anyway that's not what your cake would say. A home baked cake is a motherly, not sexy attention. You want to seduce him, not mother him !. You don't want to do anything that says " I am fussing around you like Miss Marple at the Vicarage party because I feel if I don't fuss and kill you with sweetness- literally- I am not good enough for you to even look at me ".
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2014): I think this idea wouldn't come to many people. Why would you bake a cake for a co- worker, or simply bring him one, if you are not particularly friends.
Honestly? It's pretty weird for people who are not familiar with this therapy that you are having.
A guy asked you to bring him a drink, so what? Ask him back. But a cake? I bet he would be sitting there wondering what's Italy about and probably will suspect that you have a crush on him.
And about people so give unessesary presents, you are right, i had couple of those, but now I recognize it immediately and simply refuse presents and then refuse to give them favours.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): you're not crazy, you're a nice caring person. if only i had friends who were as caring. so, sure, take him a cake. i think it's a lovely idea. i loooooooove cakes. two years ago, when my mother had bought a huge cake for her birthday, i ate three quarters of it! no lie!
I don't even know how it happened. So yeah, we cut it for her birthday. Just me, her and my brother. I don't know why she ordered a big one, but she did anyway.
so she put it in the fridge.
The next day, in the morning, i was craving for it. I couldn't be asked to go to the shops and get milk for cerial. i just decided that i'd have a little "nibble" of the cake. And i had a "nibble" i kept going back to the fridge, and the next thing i know? i've finished the whole damn cake. funny thing was, i wasn't even sick, and it was chocolate! Ok, getting off task here, but yeah, i think you should give the cake!
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (21 February 2014):
 It's great that you got away from the co-dependant relationship and took the initiative to learn about yourself through counselling. As you know, you are still learning and it's good that you're asking for advice. I don't mean to sound patronising, just recognising your achievements.
Ok, to your question about the cake, I think it's going a little overboard to bake a cake just for this man. I have a colleague who loves to bake at the weekends but doesn't necessarily want to eat all she makes, so she brings in brownies some Mondays. Not for anyone in particular, just for everyone in the office to share. Maybe you could do something similar. It doesn't make you the cake-lady at all. Just bake and bring in cakes when YOU want.
You are questioning your people pleasing tendencies and that's fine, but don't take it too far and try not to overthink. For example, where I work it's just polite manners and normal for anyone going out to the shops or the cafe to offer to get something for a colleague stuck at their desk. So don't fret about buying this guy a coffee, or him asking you, it's normal. What would be abnormal would be this happening too often with him never reciprocating.
How to continue to measure your boundaries and impulses: I'd suggest continuing with counselling. Having someone to check in with once a week to discuss these kind of everyday scenarios will help you a lot. As will forming healthy friendships, so you can ask a trusted friend for input.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 February 2014):
 Dont make one just for him - that is a bit over the top and will probably scare him off. Yes men like women that can cook, but its not hugely important to them and if you start bringing in 'gifts' like this for him he will start to think you are overly keen on him which can be a turn off.
Men like a chase, they like women that play a little hard to get - so if you bring in a cake, just for him, then he will instantly know you *really* like him. Men prefer to be kept guessing for a little while, women with an air of mystery are more attractive than those who offer everything up on a plate.
So if you enjoy baking and want to share your cakes with others - bring one into work, but for the WHOLE office to share. So he might go get a slice of cake and then think 'wow she's a great cook' but he wont know it has any sort of meaning specifically for him.
I know you want to show you like him, totally understand that - but making a cake just for him is a bit much and is likely to put too much pressure on him and scare him away.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 February 2014):
If it was his birthday or a promotion were in order, I can see a baked cake - or if you bake one and set it in the office tea room (if you have one) for all to share, but to bake him a cake "just to show him" how feminine and good cook you are? That is a little odd to me. Specially if you two haven't talked about cakes or whatnot.
Don't get me wrong it's a lovely gesture, but I think you are wanting to bake a cake for him for the "wrong" reasons.
I'd stick to occasionally bring a hot beverage (and honestly only if HE occasionally return the favor) otherwise you WILL end up in a situation where someone is taking advantage of your kindness.
As for learning how to not go overboard or get taken advantage of, my suggestion would be to look around and see what other people do in your office. That is if there are more people in your office besides him and you.
You have known him for 6 years and not "served" him food before, so what has changed?
...............................
|
