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Should I ask my wife if she would like to watch porn together to spice up our sex life?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Marriage problems, Pornography, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 May 2011) 8 Answers - (Newest, 14 January 2013)
A male United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have been reading this site and a lot of women seem to question why their husbands like to look at porn or even disapprove of it completely. I think I understand that. It makes you feel inadequate and like he's cheating on you.

However, does it make any difference if you watch the porn together as a couple? Is it the actual porn that disgusts you or do you find it demeaning to women? Is there some porn that you do not feel is exploitative and which you would be conducive to watching?

Here is the reason I ask:

My wife doesn't have sex with me as often as I'd like - not by a long shot. Rather than harass her all of the time, I take care of myself. Well, to keep the relationship with my hand from getting stale I sometimes watch porn. It's not like I am addicted or anything, but I probably watch a 10 minute video each week. Sometimes I pleasure myself during and sometimes I just commit it to memory for later. My wife doesn't know I do this and I am wondering if she'd be upset if she found out.

I don't know if she's ever seen porn and I have been thinking of asking her if she has. However, I know that she will see that as a leading question (which it is). I am not sure if most women of her generation (she's 40 - it seems girls of the Internet generation are more likely to have watched it) ever watched porn. Have you women who dislike your husband watching porn every watched it yourself?

I realize this is an individual question and every woman is different, but is there a tactful way to bring this up to her without making her assume I am a perverted Internet porn junkie? She might actually enjoy watching when she sees some of the high quality videos out there. (When I watch porn I usually try to find something that is more couples-appropriate with high quality production values and attractive actors, having believable sex instead of the kind of porn which, say, shows two ugly dudes slamming a silicon-filled girl in all kinds of unattractive positions and angles while she fakes that she's enjoying it.)

I am wondering if it might spice up our sex life if we watched some together or if I would be digging my own grave by even mentioning it.

View related questions: porn, sex life, the internet

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A male reader, Longjohn007 United Kingdom +, writes (14 January 2013):

Porn is the norm... Its not unusual for couples to watch porn together of all genres... it really hots up the sex life and can lead to some great times and adventures. I really like French porn or some particular stars like Gianna Michaels... My wife likes a German star Gina Wild... but her preference is the UK Ben Dover series. Women of all ages and backgrounds from those who star in a professional or semi professional way to women who fulfil a one off fantasy... It is the Ben Dover series that really puts the 'couple' into porn.

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A female reader, Lost2011 United States +, writes (12 June 2011):

Yes, yes, and yes. And I say this because, (and I think it's a really positive sign that you are thinking this way instead of automatically determining that you can't talk to her) I don't think the real issue is the porn. The porn is just the effect. The real issue is true intimacy and love and the real powerful connection sex can be and this is a very valid need for you and she cannot know you or work with you or really be there for you, unless you tell her. So good luck. :)

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A male reader, tenjeeuk United Kingdom +, writes (15 May 2011):

I think porn/glamour presents an image of women to men that inflames passion in an unhealthy way. People don't really understand the inner secrets of human nature, and especially today where the emphasis is so much on the purely physcial aspects of being.

I think it is far better to aim for love through respect. For a man it is important to recognise that viewing pornongraphy will diminsih him in thes eyes of those who witness him doing so. True, many people will laugh and jokes about it, and egg each other on, but that is a common thing to find people using humour and ridicule to hide an inner truth or cover guilt.

Avoid pronography in all it's forms. Try to live life on a higher plane. You won't find it easy but it will make your wife more attractive to you. Pornography is a horrible industry, filled with the desparate, the despotic and the deluded. Be a proper man and rise above it.

As for your wife - far better to work on making your wife feel special as a person - everyone likes to be made to feel special, right? But don't expect anything back.

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A female reader, charliesdevil73 United States +, writes (13 May 2011):

charliesdevil73 agony auntI don't think it's a bad idea to ask her how she would feel about watching porn together, but it something that could turn into an argument. My first suggestion is to read the askmen article the first poster suggested. It looked pretty helpful from what I read quickly. Another thing you could try is just asking her if she ever pleases herself. If she says yes, ask her what she does. Make it about her first and then lead into the two of you. Just tread carefully with this subject. If she doesn't seem open after a few probing questions, back off and try some other way to spice things up. Good luck with "the talk".

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011):

Pornography might be a tool to use for a better sex life with your wife. Or it might be the tool she uses to beat you over the head with. I guess you wont know until you ask. Good luck with that one! You never know, you might unleash a demon and be here in a few months saying your wife wants a threesome with a co worker and you dont know how you feel about her having sex with 'Big Boy' Jed from Accounts!

I would ask, what is more important to you. Pleasuring your wife or watching porn? If its the former then you could try talking to her about your sex life. Ask her about the things you obviously want to introduce into the bedroom rather than try leading her toward it through porn. Talk to her and find out if she has a fantasy you could fulfill. Be romantic, compliment her like you mean it. Make her feel sexy and gorgeous. Go the extra mile for her. Do the things we find it hard to resist. To be honest if a man wanted to 'wow' me and get me interested. It wouldnt be by inviting me to watch porn with him. That one would get kicked to the kerb. The guy who romanced me and made me feel like the sexiest woman alive would definately get my sexual interest perking! So go back to basics and learn all about sensual love making. If you want the best from your woman it wont come to you on a plate, you have to earn it.

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A female reader, cupidus Canada +, writes (12 May 2011):

cupidus agony auntWho's sex life are you trying to spice up?

Me thinks, it's yours. But her idea of spicing up your sex life might mean something as boring to you as a candle light dinner and a chick flick. Porn may not bring the best out in her. If the porn involves anything under the age of two or more 80 year old women flapping there breasts in the wind it may create some trouble for you. If it involves fish hooks and leather masks, might be best to break it to her gently.

If you ask her, let her pick out the porn, soft porn may not be your idea of that hot pepper spice your looking for, but it's a start or a finish. Also you'll have to tread carefully on what you imagine will come from this viewing.

You may have a fantasy of how it will play out and you may want to erase that from your big head and go with the flow. Just observe her and see how she reacts first, before you get out the happy knees. She may get into it in a big way or leave the house in a big way. You'll never know until you ask. But that question might be "Honey, what porn do you want for desert tonight?" While you make dinner with candle light.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011):

Well I think the women that get mad at their boyfriend's/husband's porn watching are in very different shoes than your wife is. These women are dating men who prefer watching porn than to having sex with their girls. Obviously you watch it mainly because your wife isn't giving you enough sex. As a substiute for your unmet needs. Your wife isn't giving you anything to go by so you resort to occasional porn. That is a very different scenario than the average woman's porn complaints.

With that said, I would not use watching pornography together (no matter how "tactfully" it's filmed) as a way to seduce your wife. It is not sexy to know that your husband fancies watching other women to get off or get in the mood (even if that is not your intention that is probably how she will see it). A woman will be more in the mood when she feels beautiful and like you really want her (the same way men get turned on when they feel wanted by their lover).

Get her in the mood by telling her she is beautiful and sexy. Go down on her. Make her feel good. Try that instead.

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A male reader, refinishing United States +, writes (12 May 2011):

Now THAT is a tough one. I've been in relationships where the girl would actually suggest it to me, but it's different for a girl to ask than it is for us guys to, and I totally get the difficult position you're in. It's nice to see that you take things into your own hand(s) instead of going out there and cheating on her with an actual person. Some guys feel lack of sex at home prompts for an affair. We just gotta change it up. Chances are, the wife is feeling the same. So, you need suggestions, and I think I have an article for you.

This is from, I didn't write this, but I think it may help you out. Here is the link:

Best of luck!

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