A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a new girl for about 6 months now. Recently we were at the grocery store together when we passed a bottle of chocolate syrup. My girlfriend laughed and said: "I haven't had that stuff since I licked it off some guy's d*ck." My reaction was definite surprise for her to say that in the aisle of the grocery store. Since then the phrasing that she used has been bugging me. She did not say "My boyfriend" or even "My friend" but "Some guy." It makes it seem so cheap and casual. Part of me wants to ask her more questions (she's the one that brought it up) but I am also a little afraid of what she might tell me. It's important to me to know what kind of girl I am dating. I don't want to be dating the town slut. It would make me feel a lot better if I knew she just chose a poor turn of words, but if it really was a one night stand or something I don't know how I'd feel. I am already kind of assuming it was so maybe more information could only help. Is this the kind of thing I should just let go?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): OP here:I checked this site after a few days and I am not really sure what the continuing need to bait me is. Your statistics show that 20% of women have NEVER had casual sex and almost half admit to doing so just once or twice. If anything, this corresponds my claim that despite what people would have you believe casual sex is still not that common. If I approach 5 women at a bar the expectation is that only 4 of them have engaged in casual sex and maybe 2-3 of them have done so maybe just once. That's a far cry from "some guy."I did not realize this was going to be a running dialog. I asked for your advice and I received it. Is there some particular reason I need to continue to report back? I did not realize I'd be giving a play-by-play.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): Sounds like she was saying it to get a rise out of you. You may have been looking at another girl in the grocery store or mightve said the wrong thing and this was the best she could think of..... or you could be dating a very sexual girl which are dime a dozen so keep her around!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): That is a crazy thing to say to your partner, that would surely raise my concerns. I would find out her history ASAP, and if she is the town bike you should dump her!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 April 2014):
 Maybe it was the stats that made our OP speechless... but , tbh, I have another sneaky suspicion :
that he was , not a troll, but a poster having a soapbox moment.
You know, one of those posters who adjust a bit some episode in their life, or even simply invent it, in order to make their stance about something known, or to proclaim their truth ( or their vision of the truth ) to us...
I guess the OP's point is that casual sex is wrong, and sex should only happen within a committed relationship. Otherwise it scares away the good guys.
Ok, OP , point taken. We take due note that you see it this way,- and actually it's not even that revolutionary, there's many people who share this view,- and as many or more who don't. I don't think we have made any earth shattering discovery yet, so far.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 April 2014):
 CindyCares, I think the 82% statistic has probably sent our OP running for the hills. Though if you think about it, that means that roughly one woman in five has not had a casual hookup. And what I assume the OP would classify 'the town slut' is roughly 1 in 20 women, so while the odds are against him locating a woman who has never had casual sex, the odds of his having met the "town slut" are fairly low.
As you say, it is what it is.
I just wonder why it's so difficult for him to ask, now that the big worry bubble has popped up into his brain? Ask her, if casual sex is a deal breaker, make that clear from the start, don't wait until 6 months in with the "new girl."
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): I am not the jealous type, but this kind of a statement would probably bug me, too. When confronted, the girl is likely to lie. It's hard for me to believe that you are going to get any satisfactory / truthful answer out of her. I think she may be just testing you. In such a case, she does not come across as a nice and caring person. If she is hot, stay for a while. If subpar, let her go and find yourself a gentler, kinder girl.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 April 2014):
 If you are trying to find out something about a PARTICULAR person (i.e. this woman you like that you may want to run from should she engage in casual sex now or in the past) then the ONLY way to find out where SHE stands on this is to ASK HER.
Why is that so difficult?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 April 2014):
Percentages ? Ask me, ask me ! ( teacher's pet Aunt rises her hand ).
There are a few recent studies about women and casual sex, more or less they reach the same conclusions - it's on the rise and it's MORE common than you'd think- particularly in certain age / social segments , like college students. I'll just , for brevity, mention a poll from SELF magazine over 2000 plus women between age 18 and 63 .
82% had engaged in casual hook ups. Although, it has to be noticed that the majority , a good 39%, reported having done it only 1-2 times. And only 5 % had engaged with casual sex with 20 or more different partners .
( A curious thing that emerges , though, is that women are less likely to orgasm from casual sex than from " regular " one. A moralist could say : serves them well, them and their wanton ways, uh ? LOL ) .
OP, I am not offended by your views, and I am not campaigning for casual sex or promiscuity. I don't even think it's weird that you want someone with a certain type of sexual past , or lack of the same, it's not stranger than wanting a woman with a specific body type, or religious views, or level of instruction.
I'm just saying, it is what it is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2014): It's quite a crude thing to say in the middle of a supermarket aisle. If I'd been with my bf and we'd walked past whipped cream and he'd said "Haven't had that since I squirted it all over some girl's t**s" I would have freaked. I'm no prude but it's just... weird....
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 April 2014):
Oh and dogs are wonderful, I love them! So full of bounce and love and present in the moment. They make you appreciate the world in a fresh way, don't they? Dogs are AWESOME! :)
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 April 2014):
Hi OP, I see you haven't brought yourself to have that conversation with her. Sorry if my concern that you seem to be um… inert … in having the 'casual' sex filter conversation with her seemed odd. You seem stuck in the cycle of repeating your concern as to how to know what she said is representative of her attitude to casual sex. All you have to do is ask her if she has ever engaged in 'casual sex.' You make your case for knowing very compellingly, so what's holding you back from making that case to her?Inertia isn't going to solve your dilemma. What's going to solve your dilemma is that you actually have a conversation with her about it.You've already in your head considered her as possibly the 'town slut,' once that thought is in your head, that's going to be hard to erase, especially as you seem so unable to broach this topic that makes you so uncomfortable.With very best wishes for breaking through that inertia.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2014): OP here:It seems like I have hit a nerve with Tisha so I will let that dog lie.Believe it or not, there are lots of women out there who do not engage in casual sex. I am not sure what the percentages are but it's not as rare as some would have one believe.I am sorry if I am opposed to that, but I am, and it's not a double standard. It's not any better to be a man-slut.It is often assumed that men will have casual sex with whatever woman is willing to give it up, but I can tell you that that is also not as common as a vocal segment would have one believe. I have a lot of male friends who feel the same way I do in that any women willing to sleep with them too quickly is not a woman they are interested in. I know that offends those who espouse different ideas, but too bad.There are a lot of men and women out there who know where to draw a line despite what others might say. We all have our own ideas of morality and there are more people out there that feel the way I do than you might think.What I am trying to find out is whether this woman I am dating just has a bad sense of humor, a bad sense of timing, made a poor choice of words, or is fundamentally incompatible with me. It may sound trivial, but that's potentially a huge issue looming or maybe no issue at all and hence my dilemma.
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male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (20 April 2014):
 Unless you are both virgins when you get together, everyone has a sexual past. Like someone mentioned getting into a conversation is a slippery slope to somewhere you don't really want to go.
I find wiping the slate clean is always a good policy. I would also say that like others have suggested it was a joke that got taken the wrong way.
The fact it bothers you so much and your mind has jumped from A to Z instead of B, says there are trust issues in your relationship. So those issues need to be addressed before it goes any further.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2014): The remark is so 'off' that I would have to assume it was a joke, that really didn't go down well. I wouldn't find it funny being said to me either, but I can see the funny side.
I would suggest you say to her "You WERE JOKING about the chocolate syrup the other day weren't you"? then see where that leads. You are letting her know, you get it was a joke, and she has the opportunity to let you know if it was otherwise.
When you are unsure "Assume the best"... and then clarify. that is safer than assuming the worst..and not then clarifying (or even worse- not clarifying).
If you discover her sexual history is too disturbing for you, then at least you know, and you can make your decisions based on the 'knowing', not the guessing.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 April 2014):
And I would be interested to hear the followup to the conversation.
Again, assuming that the anon poster was the OP. I re-read my initial answer on this question and I am repeating myself here. Express your concerns about "casual sex" as it clearly is a deal-breaker for you.
Let us know what she says when you ask her about the comment her and how she responds to your "casual" sex filter question.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 April 2014):
If you feel this strongly about it then you should ask her. If that is your followup? (It could be anyone answering, but the same tone is there, so I will assume it is the OP.)
After this relationship ends tomorrow, just make sure that in the future you screen your candidates for sense of humor in addition to the "casual" sex filter, as that seems to be a deal-breaker for you.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 April 2014):
I am curious to know why you say it was not a joke.
Of course I cannot know either , since I wasn't there and I don't know the girl , so I can't affirm for sure it WAS a joke, but, gosh, that's exactly what it sounds. A raunchy joke, a crude joke, an inappropriate joke maybe, - yet, a joke.
At least that was the first thing that came to my mind, instantly. So I am curious to see why that's not a possibility .
As for the casual sex, what can I say, you are obviously entitled to your choices and preferences, but... good luck. I think many women may have had one, or more episodes, of casual sex. Maybe by intentional choice, maybe it was some stupid " it seemed a good idea at the moment " mistake,.. maybe they don't regret it maybe they do, but , chances are, more often than not it has happened.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2014): Ok, OP here. I am posting again because Tisha wanted to know if this was a troll. No, it is not. Thanks to all for your responses.I think what some of you missed (but some of you caught) is that it's not that she was a virgin or that she did something kinky. To me I think the issue is casual sex. I don't have sex outside of the context of a relationship and I would never call a girl I was involved with "some girl." Maybe, as Cerberus noted, she was just joking, but I don't think so.In my mind, if this sex was so casual that you'd refer to the person as "some guy" then this is a dealbreaker for me. Honestly. That is why I feel like I need to know if that's the sort of person she is. Yes, that's judgemental. Yes, I reserve that right.What I don't want to do is put her on the defensive when maybe she just was trying not to name names or, like I said, just exercised a poor choice of words. I dated another woman once who used to call her flings "her loverboy"(s) versus people she was involved with her "boyfriends" and to me that makes a difference. Maybe that's not true of some of you.How many partners she had and what she did with them is not of consequence. How she felt about them, her involvement with them, and - yes - her interaction with me when it comes to them are relevant from my point of view.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): If we said let it go, would you? What is a town slut? How does one qualify?
The thing about asking about someone's sexual past, it's like opening a Pandora's Box. You'll get lies, or you'll get the truth. Can you handle either?
You are apparently a judgmental type of guy. You got your boxer's in a bunch; because she used the word d*ck? Would penis have been a better choice of words? It bothers you whether it was a boyfriend, or just a one-night stand?
Other than a naughty vocabulary, has she been an ideal girlfriend?
Did you buy any chocolate sauce?
Oh well, I guess she's going to be burned at the stake.
She just shouldn't have gone there.
Dude, seriously?!!!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 April 2014):
So you've had some really interesting answers. Any followup or is this just another troll type post? :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): OP, don't worry so much, some people just joke like that, which I don't find anything but really bad taste. but some people say stupid, sexual,and innapropriate jokes all the time.
I personally cant have people like this in my circle of friends, because they embarrass
me when they talk like this among other people who we don't know. I dated once someone like that who joked liked that all the time, and it made me cringe.
but there are plenty of people who don't mind. you happen to be someone who took it seriously.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): Forget this comment for a second and think bigger. You need to figure out if you are compatible on the issue of casual sex. If you are compatible then you can brush off this comment. Some women think its GOOD to refer to an old partner as if he wasn't important to them. They think you would actually be more bothered to hear about them having meaningful sex with a boyfriend. yes its crazy but plenty of women misunderstand men like this. If you aren't compatible about casual sex then the problem is bigger than this chocolate syrup comment. So you don't even need to focus on it. How do you address the casual sex issue? Well there is no good way. A lot of people are going to think you handled it wrong no matter how you handle it. If you ask early in the dating stages then it was inappropriate for you to ask so early. If you wait until things are more serious then you should have asked earlier instead of getting a relationship going first. The only way to handle it that won't draw criticism is to not ask or care at all. (Translation: "You are supposed to choose your mate according to political correctness, not your own feelings.")
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): Let me get this straight, she makes a joke and now you're worried she's the "town slut"? You and most of the other people who responded kind of missed the "laughed and said" part. You see if you observe human behaviour even to the most basic of levels then you see that we humans laugh when make jokes. It's kind of our way of announcing that what we're about to say is joke.
The funny thing about this is you're in your 30's and you don't know what a joke is. Or you're so uptight, paranoid and judgemental that a dirty joke makes you question a person's integrity.
Sounds like you're not the right guy for her. Especially now that you decided, based on one crude joke, that you deserve to know her sexual history so you can test your theory about her being a total whore.
Do make sure to let her know that's why you want to know, OP.
I do think you should ask her about her sexual history but you need to make it clear to her why. I think she'll happy to know you now suspect her of being the town slut because she made a crude joke.
Or you could stop reading so deeply into nothing and understand it was a joke, and the only negative about this situation for you is that she has a dirty sense of humour that's not the same as yours.
My wife tells that kind of joke all the time. She's a filthy fucker when it comes to sense of humour and she was a virgin before we met. We're inappropriate jokers, it's what we find the hilarious. I chuckled when I read what yours said. if I told my wife she'd think it's hilarious and her response to you would be to grow up and stop being so uptight.
Honestly though, OP, if you can't handle her sense of humour let her go and with all due respect I think you should let her go either way. I think you're just a bag of insecurity waiting to find evidence of her being just another "slut" unworthy of being with you. You'll just keep looking for those signs and eventually you'll find something that makes her an impure slag. Maybe she only had one boyfriend, but oh no, she had a threesome with him.
OP at your age it would probably help a lot if you got over the idea of women having had a past with multiple partners. Most women at our age have. It says nothing about the woman she is now and you're wrapped up in the idea that you read this deeply into simple, meaningless little joke.
What a reaction.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 April 2014):
 It was a crude thing to say. My guess is she did it to shock you into paying attention. Maybe it was a hint of what she wouldn't mind doing to you/ for you.
But I would suggest you ask her and talk to her.
Before you do though, ARE you able to accept that she has a past JUST like you? Which includes SEXUAL partner?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): Really? Thatis what she said? If I were you I wouldn't worry that much about how many guys she slept with but the fact that she said it to you.
No sane woman would say something like that to a guy she is dating.
First of all it was very rude, not talking about her poor upbringing.. And all you worry about is how many guys she slept with???
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male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (18 April 2014):
You should have smiled and bought the chocolate sauce for you both.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): I'm sorry but no-one serious about you would make a statement like that.
Even if we assume she's serious, is she so completely oblivious of how inappropriate that comment was in that setting?!
Save yourself the trouble and just break up now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): I was once in a conversation with an ex, vaguely discussing our respective sexual histories, and I made the comment "I haven't been with that many people."
At this point, my ex, who is hall refer to as Idiot from here forward, got hung up on the fact that I said "people" instead of guys/men/boys/males. Idiot insisted that this meant I had been with both men and women, and Idiot insisted I share the exact number of each. Idiot called me a liar when I said I've never been with another woman, and Idiot proceeded too demand I tell him the circumstances of every woman I had been with because Idiot believed that women only kiss other women to get male attention at bars and such.
Idiot and I didn't last much longer, obviously.
The point is two fold, really:
1.Really? You're letting one word bug you? What if she said "a guy" instead of "some guy"? Is that less "cheap and casual" for you? Will that tell you more about the "kind of girl" you're dating, whatever the hell that means? Will that stop her from being the "town slut" in your eyes, whatever the hell that means?
2.Why are you so worried about her past? Maybe she's just as uninterested in dating the town closed-minded, self righteous, judgmental jerk.
I say go ahead and ask to your heart's content. Maybe she'll give you the "right" answers and you can rest assured you're dating the sweet innocent, virginal cherry that would never *gasp* have sex for pleasure, and you can live happily ever after. Or maybe she has a normal, healthy sex drive and sex life and your "retroactive jealousy"(such a nice way of saying "egomaniacal, self centered misogynist" - the only problem is it makes it sound like it's okay for people to think that their partner's history has anything to do with them or is any of their business) and you can end it now before you put this poor women thorough any more trauma.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 April 2014):
Okay, ask her. She'll either tell the truth or lie.
If she tells you whatever it is you want to hear, will you believe her? If she tells you she slept with 10 guys will you believe that? If she tells you the truth will you punish her for being honest?
Asking a sexual past doesn't make a lot of sense because people lie.
My feeling is that that comment tells you enough to know you're not right for each other.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 April 2014):
 I think that your "Holier-than-thou" attitude will - ultimately - prove fatal to the budding relationship between the two of you....
Rather than ask her about her past... and, thereby, spark a messy parting-of-the-ways... why not just chalk it up that you are going to spend 'way more time finding the pristine Virgin that you want to find.... and not put this poor creature through your Inquest?????
Good luck...
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (18 April 2014):
 Tisha nailed it - if it bothers you enough to have asked here, the odds that you're going to be able to just forget she said that and move on are slim to none.
As I'm sure you've found, most of the women you'll be dating at age 35 have had partners before you. Finding a partner with *no* past is pretty unlikely, but if your morals don't and never did include casual sex then you have the right to insist on the same when choosing a partner.
I personally have nothing against casual sex but I think the fact she brought it up to you at all, let alone in public, was both tacky and cruel. It's that part of her character I'd be concerned with, not whether she was in a two-year relationship with every guy she ever banged. The decision-making process for me on this one would start there: do I want to date someone who has such little regard for my feelings?
If there is a chance you still want to date this girl after this incident, I would NOT ask her for any more details. You may think you want them, but even hearing this information from a partner who's had only ONE partner before you can cause real problems for some people. Search "retroactive jealousy" for an idea of just how wrong even a simple question like "what's your number?" can go. It's not a road you want to go down. Leave the past in the past and move on... with or without her is up to you.
Good luck and best wishes.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 April 2014):
At age 30-35 you are dating "a new girl"? So you weren't a virgin when you came to be dating her?
It's a very odd thing for someone to say in the grocery store. I wonder if she was trying to turn you on by being suggestive and she thought she said one thing you heard another?
So you've been together for 6 months, you are in your 30s so presumably you are adult enough to have a rational discussion about this.
If you don't want to be dating the "town slut" then that is something you need to focus on in the courtship part of the relationship. If you know you don't like to date someone who is comfortable with casual sex then you should have gone over this before you became intimate.
I go back to your statement: "It's important to me to know what kind of girl I am dating. I don't want to be dating the town slut." Obviously you've asked around town then if this is important to you. If you use words like "town slut" then you definitely have a point of view that should have been expressed to her very early on in the courtship.
There's just something so phony about that comment: My girlfriend laughed and said: "I haven't had that stuff since I licked it off some guy's d*ck." That doesn't mesh with your stated need to know what kind of "girl" you are dating.
If you are writing in here with this type of question then it obviously bothers you and you will be unlikely to be able to "just let go" the concern.
Express to her your feelings about how some sexual encounters feel cheap and casual to you and that you would be uncomfortable dating someone who had those types of "cheap and casual" sexual encounters. It may be a bit late in the relationship but at least you will have been honest with her.
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