A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for nearly three years but I don't think we should be together anymore. I've tried to end things on a few occasions lately but I can never just stick to my guns and cut all ties with him.I did love him a lot at one point. When we met I was going through a terrible time and he really helped me get my life on track. I've suffered with depression because I've had so many bad things happen to me and I've been terrible to him sometimes. That's partly why I feel guilty about ending things.Well anyway when I've been less than nice to him in the past I found out that he goes and spends time with his ex girlfriend. I honestly do believe him when he says he hasn't slept with her and she is more of a friend. But still I'm concerned that he is kind of obsessed with her and his past.They split up a decade ago, they didn't talk to each other for years because she cheated on him. So after ten years I would have thought he'd forget about her, but obviously not. When we argue I can understand why he goes to see her, even though I really don't like it, I can sort of get it. But the last year we've got on well. We have talked about marriage and children and living together. A few weeks ago I found out he stayed over at her house again. He'd lied about where he was and spent the evening drinking in her house. He's calmed me down about it but I can't get it out of my head, I try my best not to think about it and I look on the net about how to control jealousy but I really don't think I can spend the rest of my life with this guy when he still needs to see his ex or have her in his life. Is that selfish of me for demanding that he cut her out of his life? Or do I have every right to ask that as he does this behind my back all of the time.I keep explaining to him that I don't want to be a jealous nagging girlfriend but if I can't forgive and forget I should just walk away. He always makes me feel bad for trying to end things. He gives me a guilt trip for all the good things he's done for me. He's invited to his best friends wedding in August and she's going to be there too. I don't want to go because I can't stand her, I don't wanna be in the same room as her so it would just be better if I didn't go. But then I can't stand the idea that he'll be with her all day either. I just want to end things with him. But he just makes my life miserable if I try to end things.He sends loads of texts, he gets angry and sends abuse, he phones where I work if I don't reply, turns up to my house trying to talk. I have never dumped anybody in my life, even When I have wanted to the only way I end up splitting up with somebody is if they dump me. Should I just allow him to keep her in his life, I'm trying to be adult about things and I understand that I cant just demand that he just cuts people out like that. Or am I just being too soft even putting up with this. In the past I have flown off the handle with people and I've been too quick to loose my temper. I'm trying really hard to think about things and be rational now. So that's why I'm asking for peoples opinions. Would you put up with this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): Thank you for your replies. I have ended it today, I just needed some opinions because I really wish sometimes I could be the cool girlfriend who's all ok with him being friends with an ex. Some people can be fine with that but deep down inside I'm not that person. She is making me feel miserable and I'm annoyed that I keep looking at her Facebook account and find myself comparing our photos. It's just really childish and I'm irritating myself. I think he is obsessed with her, when he shows my photos on his phone I've seen that he's downloaded old photos of them together (off her Facebook account) on to his phone and everything. I don't think he is sleeping with her I just think he has some weird obsession with his past and his youth and she reminds him of it. Well anyway I am sticking to my guns and it's going to be over for good, I don't want this in my life anymore.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (26 May 2015):
 Let him go.
Someone who is OBSESSED about his ex rarely makes a good BF. He isn't going to "give" her up if he is still into her.
After you break up if he STILL shows up at your house/work. Tell him it needs to stop or you WILL get a restraining order. Block his number. He shows up at your house? Don't open the door, if he starts yelling, call the police. HE will get the picture.
This guy thinks he van BULLY you into dating him? Are you serious?
He makes your life miserable, so END it - not for his sake but for your own. Some relationships just don't work out.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (26 May 2015):
 I rarely advise a break up.. but in this case, I think you should just leave this relationship and find someone who truly cares and loves you.
He's cheating and lying and immature. He's been like this and done it time and time again. It won't change. Even if he SAYS he will stop now, you will always remember what he did and how it hurt you. You will always question his where abouts and if he's telling the truth. It will take YEARS to regain the trust and forget the hurt. Do you really want to go through with all that?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): "I'm trying to be adult about things and I understand that I cant just demand that he just cuts people out like that."THIS. He is not your puppet, you can not "commandeer" him around! Or pull his strings and expect him to react as you wish!Equally, he should not be running to somebody else if you two have problems. It's not a very grown up thing to do either."I don't think we should be together any more." Then DON'T BE! It's a simple solution enough. Staying out of him because of PITY or feeling of DUTY won't help either of you.It is not a feeling of LOVE.Leave and let him go. Cut contact, stick to your guns etc. BEFORE you do this time round (coz I have the feeling you'll end up doing it one way or the other) Make SURE that everything is DISENTANGLED first-living arrangements, your stuff is elsewhere,i.e. you should ELIMINATE every single possibility/ perceived need to see him again. IF it comes to it-send a friend over to get your things, but do NOT get into it.Maybe you can even be friends. In about 10 years' time I reckon...ps: Btw, I find the previous suggestion of cheating appalling- I don't think he is, by your own words, he is unable to let go of the past. That's a deal breaker for you-fair enough. You don't need another reason (such as cheating) to leave him. And you don't need further insecurities instilled in you.He helped you-ok. He was nice to do that. But maybe helping YOU helped HIM in some way? To be needed, to be wanted, to feel secure in a relationship for once? (it sounds like he was very insecure with her, and goes back to her to get that "security" blanket for when things go bad between you).My opinion still is- it is painfully obvious that you want to leave. L-E-A-V-E. Don't prolong your (and his) misery. Let him find safety/comfort/love somewhere else where it is freely (and wantonly!) given.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (25 May 2015):
 Sorry Hon, but sounds like you bf is cheating on you with his exgf.
He gets angry with you when you stand up for yourself - it is his way of controlling you - he likes his life - you on one side and her on the other!
If you want to be adult about it - cease all contact with him. If he gets abusive get a restraining order/call the police.
Block him from your mobile, facebook etc., Time to put on your big-girl panties and bitch boots and kick him out!
Oh - and please go get yourself tested for STI's - he IS sleeping with her - do not listen to what he says - look at his actions!
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