A
male
age
30-35,
*es13
writes:I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years. It was a mutual agreement as the relationship wasn't working out. We haven't spoke in 3 months since the break up. (we both decided never to speak again) Her birthday is coming up soon and I'm wondering if i should send her a happy birthday text? Although things got bad between us we were once friends so I'm wondering if I should be polite and wish her a happy birthday? Or should i just leave it alone? I don't what her to think i want to get back together because i don't. Nevertheless i don't want to seem deliberately rude as she will obviously know i will remember her birthday.
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male
reader, Tom Obler +, writes (13 September 2012):
 Hi,
I'd just let this go. By letting it go, you are moving on and the pressure will be less at Xmas and next year.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 September 2012):
 I'd let it go... really
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (13 September 2012):
I have two ex gfs that I still speak to from time to time, and birthdays are one of those times. That said, we broke up on a good note. You dont sound like you did...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2012): You made an agreement OP, stick to it. Do you really want her day of celebration to be spoiled by her "asshole" ex butting into her life again by sending a sneaky little text just to remind her of all the shit she went through with you?
Because that's how it may come across.
If you really can't help yourself and you just have to break your agreement because you want to get back inside her head again, then just add a happy birthday to the 100's she'll get on Facebook.
Definitely leave it alone though OP. Birthdays are supposed to be cool and fun, she won't want you stirring up shit on that day. It really will serve no purpose.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (13 September 2012):
 You agreed never to speak with one another again, so stick to the agreement. Sending birthday wishes will just confuse her. My ex in college sent me things for birthdays and Christmas and it made me mad. He would even leave things at my door. If the relationship doesn't work, it doesn't work. Don't contact her.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 September 2012):
 Just leave it alone. She is an EX, and that you were friends once does not matter, since the friendship is over now, in fact you are not even in speaking terms ,by mutual agreement. It is not impolite to omit sending birthday wishes to people you are not even in speaking terms,- it is normal. And if you send her your wishes, of course she'll think you are tryng to get her back , what else should she think ? What other reason there could be, to send wishes to a person that has not got any part in your present or future ?...
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (13 September 2012):
 If you ended things on a note where you decided never to speak to each other again, then it includes birthdays too. Remember, birthdays can be tricky, just like the holidays. Your ex might be feeling lonely or just plain depressed about turning a year older...trust me, I'm a girl and after about my 16th birthday, I started hating them! Wishing her might be interpreted as a sign of interest on your part and you dont want that to happen. She might want to talk to you because it might make her happy. Or she might completely hate the fact that you called her when you had decided not to, thinking you want to rake things up again.
Also, snail mail and paper cards are too personal, it shows you've gone through a lot of time and effort to walk into a store, choose an appropriate card, write a message, put a stamp on it, go to the post office and then post it. That's too much work for an ex and that's not the idea I would want to give to my ex.
Bottom line, stay out of it. It's much less of an hassle. Respect the decision that you made to never speak to each other and how do you care what she thinks now that you've broken up, don't talk or never will and neither is there any possibility of a reconciliation?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 September 2012):
 I agree with Tisha's reply.
Use a PAPER CARD and snail mail.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (13 September 2012):
 I don't think it matters and should be left alone. You aren't together anymore and don't speak anymore, therefore you aren't even friends. You don't say happy birthday to people you don't speak to. Not saying anything on her birthday doesn't show rudeness. When you break up this is what happens. I've never said happy birthday to an ex. Honestly I don't see the point in saying anything. You mention happy birthday and she then says thanks. I'm missing the point here. Even if she thought it was rude to say nothing, doubtful since you agreed never to speak again, who cares because you aren't friends?
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (13 September 2012):
 If you both agreed to never talk again, why in the world would you care to wish her a happy birthday? Just because you were once friends does not mean you will be friends again. It's kind of like trying to put the toothpaste back into the tube. Give it more time. Maybe eventually you can be friends but I wouldn't push it right now. It's too soon.
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A
male
reader, Dr.LanceMerryweather +, writes (13 September 2012):
 Yea, it's a tricky one. I've kept polite contact with exes in the past, until one of us got in a relationship again. Nothing wrong with politeness and after all, 4 years IS a long time.
However, given that you both agreed never to speak again, I'd leave it. So long as it wasn't said in the heat of the moment!
Mind you, as it's just a text and nothing so drastic as a card, then I think I would text something basically simple like, "Just to wish you a great time on your special day, Wes." And NO kisses!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 September 2012):
 You both agreed to never speaking again? Wow, that must have been a difficult and nasty break up. You laid down ground rules, then? As in, "we'll never speak ever ever again." Or "we'll never speak again until one of us caves and makes contact"? Or "I hate you but I'll get over it a year's time"?
People used to send birthday cards, back in the day. They arrived in the mail and didn't necessarily require a response.
Texts are pretty immediate, assuming you have a decent data plan. You hit 'send,' the text is there on the other person's messaging device within a few seconds. Then they sit there. What now?, thinks the recipient. Didn't we agree to never speak again? You, the sender, sit there, knowing that the recipient has read the message. It becomes a waiting game. Will she acknowledge the text? Does this break the agreement? Will she pretend the text never made it?
Whereas, the humble birthday card sent by mail enjoys a different journey. The card is selected from an assortment of many sentiments. One can even purchase a blank card and write one's own message! Imagine! Shocking, the possibilities.
"Happy birthday," it could say.
"I know things didn't work out between us and I am not looking to get back together, but I do still care enough to want to wish you a happy birthday. We were friends once and I couldn't let this day go by without wishing you well."
Something like that. I guess it could go by text but there's something more tangible about a card. An unwanted text is like spam, you know?
She can throw away the card and pretend she never received it. The text, not so much. Give her the out. Send a card, if you must, though the whole "we both agreed to never speak again" is kind of an indication things ended really really badly.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2012): "Or should i just leave it alone?"
Just leave it alone.
"Nevertheless i don't want to seem deliberately rude as she will obviously know i will remember her birthday."
And your silence will speak volumes to her. You won't be perceived as being rude, just acknowledging and accepting the reality that you are no longer a couple and since you weren't married and have no children, there's nothing to keep you tied together in any way.
Imagine yourself in her position: would you want/to expect her to contact you if it was your impending birthday? Best way to avoid any future awkwardness is not to initiate any situations that could result in it. Assuming you are still relatively close in distance, at some point you'll have a chance encounter which will break ice for future coincidental path-crossings and allow you to establish baseline politeness and civility. Since you were together four years, in time good memories will outweigh bad and years from now she will be a fond but vague and distant memory.
There's always going to be a first time you don't contact her on her birthday, doubt you'll consider calling or texting or future techno equivalent on her 40th or 75th or 100th or even next year's birthday, so use this date to make the break clean and final, and it's significance will lessen over time, especially once you have a new girlfriend with a 1 in 365.25 chance of sharing ex's b-day (odds allowing for leap years).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2012): Even when relationships don't work, it still can hurt a lot. If you think she might read more into it that simply wishing her a happy birthday, I'd say let it go.
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A
female
reader, MamaJade +, writes (13 September 2012):
 Well It has been 3 months since you both broke it off& agreed not to talk to each other anymore. All she can realy do is ignore the text or reply back..Sending a happy birthday text sounds thoughtful go for it.
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