A
male
age
30-35,
*ypher_221b
writes:Hey Everyone. So, I am 25 years old and I recently met a new girl. We have really hit it off super well and although we have only been seeing eachother for three months we are already feeling quite close. I am crazy about her and almost everything about the relationship is perfect..... However : She has an ex boyfriend. They were together for almost 4 years and they broke up about 6 months ago. Now,I believe that when a relationship ends you should try to be friends with your ex partner, however now that this belief is being tested I find myself seriously uncomfortable with their friendship. I constantly worry about all the history they have together, if she still loves him, if they are going to get back together. As far as I know they text eachother EVERY single day and I know that he uses all kinds of pet names for her in these texts. Im fine with them being friends but I just dont think they should be talking every single day in text. To me, I think that if you were in a romantic relaitonship with someone for a long time and then you break up but continue to talk everyday or almost everyday, then you are not moving on at all, there is no seperation and in fact I believe that there is a continuation of an emotional relationship even if the physical part is over. I also feel that she basically has two boyfriends, and like- why should I text her at all if she is being kept company by him all the time anyway. Oh I dont know. Am I just being crazy? Jealous? I know im insecure, but I just cant stop thinking about this. I would LOVE to get some serious advice from people. I dont even think I really explained this well, but im just so upset about it to be honest that its hard to describe in text. Thank you all in advance. :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2014): I'm on the fence on this one.I'm very good friends with one of my exes - albeit in different circumstances. My ex and I split after a 4 year relationship and it wasn't until 2 years later when we had both moved on that we became good friends. We now speak every day and we even attended each others weddings! Our partners also get along great and to be honest I don't even really remember being in a relationship with him - it's certainly something I never think about. However, it is a very recent break up and if they're that close after such a short space of time I would probably be just as concerned as you. Is it worth asking her directly or saying their relationship makes you feel uncomfortable? If she has nothing to hide then maybe she wouldn't mind if you met her ex yourself?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2014): Cerberus has it absolutely spot-on. I don't think I (or any other auntie) could have put it any better. 5 star advice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2014): No you're not crazy, OP, you're a rebound. Everything you suspect is 100% correct. Except there may have been some "too close", "too intimate" near misses thrown in too that you don't know about.
What was crazy was getting with a girl only 3 months out of a 4 year relationship who's pretty much still in a relationship with her ex.
OP your situation is the very reason I never remain friends with ex's and are very wary of women who are. Emotionally she is still attached to him a too much, I don't buy that friends bullshit at all. It takes a lot longer than 3 months to get over 4 years and then twice as long as usual, if at all, if you still remain "good friends" with your ex. Technically and officially they broke up but emotionally they didn't at all.
You explained it perfectly, OP, the only thing you left out is the fact you're a rebound.
I hate to break it to you but your options are as limited as you know they are. You can't possibly demand they cut contact or limit that contact without being accused of being controlling, jealous, foolish etc. Breaking it off then feels wrong because she's not technically fucked you over that you know of, she's just being a fool and there's also that really grating fact that there's only one person she'll turn to if you rock the boat in any way regarding their friendship, which really sucks because at the end of the day he is your rival in this.
In your position I'd accept that he's won, I've been a rebound twice. The first was horrible, the second I was prepared and basically ceded defeat before I dumped her and felt okay about it.
Your rival, the guy you're battling against for her affection has 4 years of history and love on you, you cannot win. Because no matter how much she feels aggrieved by your "jealousy" and denies anything wrong is happening, it's too much and you know it.
OP you're not insecure, you're just not stupid or blind enough to not see the obvious.
The only thing you can do, is prepare yourself for the end and then talk to her about your concerns and see what she says. If she denies that you have anything to worry about, if she swears nothing is going on then all she's doing is casting down your feelings on the matter. Don't let her turn this back on you like it's your problem, OP, or that it's all in your head. This emotional battle is very real. They may never do anything, they may never get back together but that will not stop it growing in your mind because no one can be comfortable in such circumstances and frankly a girl too weak to let go of her ex completely to at least get over him is exactly the type of woman that is probably using you for the exact same reason.
So she doesn't have to deal with the pain of the break up.
Prepare for the worst here, OP, I don't see this going well.
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