A
male
age
26-29,
*heManWhoLostSanity
writes:I miss my ex girlfriend, but I don't want her back. But I do. It's odd. Hense my screen name, I feel like I am going insane. We met in church in early 2014. Became best friends. Started dating by Valentine's Day 2015. And honestly for the first little bit? Yeah it was amazing. But after a while I started noticing things. She was so controlling. So rude. And the thing is idk if she was intentionally trying to be, but I felt that way. I told her? Nothing changed. I'm sure I screwed up myself. I'm sure I did this or that and looking back I know I did. But I had to break up with her. Legit, I was not happy. She didn't respect me. That's why I don't miss her and I don't want her back. But I do. I miss how we loved each other and did everything with and for each other. But, just a couple of months later, she found a new guy. And I know what you're thinking "dude it's a couple months time to move on" but she was my first love. First relationship. and likewise for her, or at least I think she loved me. I just feel as if this is a rebound and I hate that, but I'm not trying to focus on that. Any advice to help me? I understand completely. She moved on. She found someone. It's time for me too. Which is fine. But how?!Also. One thing. Her and I go to the same church. And I was kinda considering leaving before. Then we break up. Then, which I haven't physically seen I just know about, she is bringing him. And I really feel unhappy at my church. Or uncomfortable. Which she isn't the only reason I am considering leaving. It just was like that push over the edge I guess. Any advice? I just feel I should go to a new church.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 July 2016):
 How to move on? For starters, you could go to a new church. You can go back to your old church when you feel like you want to. If you don't want to go there yet, then why should you?
Moving on, step two, I would suggest you accept that you can miss a person and not want to be with them at the same time. I miss my ex. I don't want to be with him. He was a nice guy, and I miss his hugs and the way he smelled, cuddles and kisses etc. But I don't miss the arguments, the awkward silence when he froze me out, I don't miss all the times he acted selfish or the times he didn't care. I do miss the times he did care, the times he made me feel amazing. You can miss something, someone, and yet not want to be with them. It's not black or white. It's a mixture of gray.
Words of comfort? The first break-up is the shittiest one that hurts the most. It gets better. You WILL love again. And you will be loved again. The pro's are that relationships are like anything else, with practice it gets better. Next time, you will have a better relationship, because you now know what to do/not do, and you have a better idea of what sort of person you fit with. As in, not a controlling and rude person.
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 July 2016):
How to move on? For starters, you could go to a new church. You can go back to your old church when you feel like you want to. If you don't want to go there yet, then why should you?
Moving on, step two, I would suggest you accept that you can miss a person and not want to be with them at the same time. I miss my ex. I don't want to be with him. He was a nice guy, and I miss his hugs and the way he smelled, cuddles and kisses etc. But I don't miss the arguments, the awkward silence when he froze me out, I don't miss all the times he acted selfish or the times he didn't care. I do miss the times he did care, the times he made me feel amazing. You can miss something, someone, and yet not want to be with them. It's not black or white. It's a mixture of gray.
Words of comfort? The first break-up is the shittiest one that hurts the most. It gets better. You WILL love again. And you will be loved again. The pro's are that relationships are like anything else, with practice it gets better. Next time, you will have a better relationship, because you now know what to do/not do, and you have a better idea of what sort of person you fit with. As in, not a controlling and rude person.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 July 2016):
 If you are uncomfortable at your church then you should move. A church is somewhere you should be able to go to be peaceful and happy. So if you are uncomfortable then change.
Now on to your ex girlfriend. If you have any contact with her at all it needs to stop. So if she is on social media that means blocking her page, blocking her phone number and avoiding her as much as you can. I know it has been a couple of months, but your first love is going to be difficult to get over, but the good news is you will get over her and move on.
Now you mention you know you don't want to be with her, which is a good sign, you did not stay with her just because you loved her, you realized she was not going to change, so that makes you a strong person. Well done for taking control of your life, be proud of yourself.
You ask how to get over her, well really time is the best healer. Off course you can help yourself by avoiding contact with her, keeping yourself busy, going out with friends and being around positive people. Eventually a day will pass and you won't have thought off her and think it is strange then it will be two days ect. If you find yourself thinking about her and being down then get up and do something distract yourself.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 July 2016):
 Sure, go to a new church. You were feeling uncomfortable already, and already thinking of changing. Regardless of the girl . It is something you want/ need to do anyway, you'll just have the added bonus to not have to meet the girl while the " wound " is still raw and you are still feeling out of sorts.
Out of sorts describes what you are feeling- not
" insane ". With all my sympathy for a young man going through his first love heartbreak- keep the drama to a minimum,please, ok ?:)
What you feel it's super normal. In fact, if it's just a couple of months , as I understand, that it happened, you are totally " on schedule ". You do need to move on, as in making your best effort to not get stuck in the past and take the appropriate course of action, for instance changing church, but nobody demands from you that in 2 months you cancel totally your first love from your memories and feelings. Give yourself a little time- and keep busy in the meantime. Time is a great healer, but it can't Always work wonders in 60 days.
Dating is a trial and error process, and you learn useful lessons from it if you pay attention. For instance you have just realized that " love " ( I an not even going to debate if it was true love or just infatuation etc. etc. ) , contrariously to popular belief, is never enough by itself to keep a couple together. It takes also mutual compatibility, and mutual respect. If she did not respect you, breaking up was the best decision.
Of course the awareness of having decided for the best does not shield you from a natural sense of lack, of something missing.
You miss that warm fuzzy glowy feeling of being in love, the security of always having someone to talk to and hang out with, the flattering knowledge of being first in somebody's thoughts, etc. You were used to this stuff, and now that you don't have it, you are feeling a bit of withdrawal symptoms.
But you miss the pleasant, reassuring sensations- not the person. The person was, in your own opinion, totally unapt for your long term wellbeing.
With a bit of patience and luck, you'll feel the same sensations with another person(s ) who will also be more or totally compatible.
So, no need to freak out and to talk about insanity. The discomfort you feel now is a regular part of a transition process to " what it used to be " to " what is going to be ". It's a CHANGE and most changes are uncomfortable , challenging, maybe even scary . But also ... exciting and revitalizing and full of opportunities and empowering, if you choose to make them so.
It's up to you !
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 July 2016):
 So try a new church first. If being around her is not helping you heal, avoid places you spend with her, that might include the church. Spend time with people who are a positive influence on you and your life and accept that you CAN love someone and NOT want to be with them.
Breaking up and getting over someone is not instantaneous. For her? She might have found a guy fast in hopes that HE can help her move on. OR she wasn't as into the relationship as you were.
You know she wasn't good for you and you know you did the right thing in ending it, so that is a start.
You learned something from this short relationship. You learned where you limits are, what your standard, you values and boundaries are as well. ALL good lessons.
Now you need to learn that YOU CAN NOT change a person. You CAN NOT mold them into how YOU think they should be. So finding the RIGHT partner is important and... difficult.
First relationship DO take a bit of time to get over and that is OK. You move at YOUR own pace, like she moved at hers.
Chin up it will get better.
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