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She's dating me but seeing 2 other guys for just sex

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 November 2015) 15 Answers - (Newest, 22 November 2015)
A male United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

So, I have been seeing a lovely woman for about a month. We get on extremely well and have alot of fun,we have tons in common and love nearby. We laugh like crazy and there's never a dull moment or awkward silences. She texts me every day from morning til night and we talk for hours on the phone. We cuddle up watching movies but end up just talking and kissing.

However,yesterday she dropped a bombshell. She is also seeing two other guys just for sex. Her and I haven't slept together. She says she is only seeing them as they want no commitment. Thing is,when we first met she told me she was looking for a relationship. She says she needs to spend more time with me before she knows whether she sees a future for us and then she would ditch the other guys.

Thing is,I really like this woman and I see alot of good in her and I think in time she would make a brilliant partner. However,how can I see someone who is seeing two other people? I think this would eat at me and may cause mistrust before its even began. I'm so conflicted. Please help.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2015):

I can answer this as a woman who is considering the same...

As in, I want a relationship one day, with a good guy.

Now,because the last guy caused so much damage and I truly gave him my heart, I am very,very wary of anyone really. I thought I knew him better than he knew himself. Turns out-nope,not the case.

Due to the hurt + amount of time it has taken me to even imagine another relationship, I have considered (and done) the NSA stuff.

I still got needs you know. Physical ones.

The emotional ones-I just wouldn't open the door. Too much hurt. Not to anyone that I am beyond 100% sure that will not hurt me this time. And that takes a while to establish.

How much do you know about her past? How much is she WILLING to share?

I will start digging around there (if you really like her).

And present your point of view very eloquently, with good,straight, logical arguments.

If things between you don't work out she can always go back to the NSA stuff,but is she willing to stave it off for a set period of time, in order to find out if there is something more between you two? I would lead with that question.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (22 November 2015):

CindyCares agony auntI am afraid WiseOwlE is right : you have been " cuddle-buddy " zoned. My impression is that she does not want to hurt your feelings , and lose the benefit of your companionship, but , she feels no chemistry and can't see herself going further than hugs and kisses with you.

Otherwise,why all this hesitation... think ,OP: from what you say, you already have much of what makes a potentially successful relationship. You enjoy each other's company, you feel comfortable around each other, you laugh together , you have plenty to say to each other, you have tons of interests in common. So, what else would she need to give you a chance ? Why all this prudence ?, is she afraid she could find out that you are an ex child molester, or some other shocking secret ?... I doubt it. You offer her a relationship, she LIKES you ( from so many points of view ), so why can't she just ditch the 2 fuckbuddies and get things going with you ?.... Must be , because something is missing- and since the personality part is there, then it must be the physical thing....

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2015):

Women want who they are sleeping with. When the pants come off that is where the BS stops and the truth comes out.

Ignore everything else they say about what kind of person they want. Their actions make SO MUCH MORE SENSE if you just quit believing what they say and look at their actions ONLY.

This woman sleeps with trash. You have good BF potential and she does not sleep with you. Therefore she does not want a good BF, she wants trash. Its not any more complicated than this.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2015):

You must be very much in love to stay with her despite her recklessness and lack of respect to you.

My advice is dump her immediately and stay far from her and find yourself a decent GF who can respect and have some ethics, or join the other two in becoming her third sex buddy and at the same time look for a decent GF. I know this last bit is easier said than done, but believe me once she feels she is losing you she will be chasing you. But to be honest you should dump her anyway because she will never make a good GF.

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom +, writes (20 November 2015):

02DuszJ agony auntShe KNOWS how you feel, how you worship her in awe, she just doesn't care that she's stringing you along and messing around with your feelings- because it's she gets what she wants- by kissing you and snuggling up to you she's LEADING you on, just so that you keep her company- you cearly are fun but you only serve a pupose for her- someone to give her attention, pick her up and give her an ego boost.

She may be "lovely" in looks, charm, sensuality, all that- like Wise Owl said, but she's not that great a catch- it's not a nice trait to string people along just for self-gain.

I think it's that halo effect where if someone's got a lot of charisma or sex appeal, their charm just fools you into thinking they're a completely lovely person... don't mistake charm for authenciticy. You have rose tinted glasses on..

Do you just want to serve a purpose? Or do you want a genuine, passionate RECIPROPAL loving relationhship. If you keep the tinted glasses on you're mugging yourself, which will lead to heartbreak, like the others said- give her an ultimatum!

Good luck anyway!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2015):

Move on I say. You are IN an emotional relationship with this woman NOW.. whether she labels it that way or not. The fact you haven't had sex doesn't make a difference. It's revolting that she would be starting something with you at the same time. Trying to have her cake & eat it too. I sense you are feeling hurt & betrayed by this & rightly so! Therefore you deserve better. Move on now before you become more emotionally invested & risk great heartbreak.

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A female reader, Honeygirl South Africa +, writes (20 November 2015):

Honeygirl agony auntSorry but this woman is not a 'keeper'.

Continued interaction with her will only result in heartache for you.

Dump her now before things get too serious.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (20 November 2015):

Ivyblue agony auntI don't think you can mistrust someone who has been honest about her intention and current sexual relationships ? More that you just don't like it; and rightly so I wouldn't either.If her sleeping with two different guys is a turn off, then it's a turn off. When in doubt...bail out.

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (20 November 2015):

Simply give her an ultimatum: If she wants to continue your current relationship with you, she cannot be having sex with other guys. If she really values your friendship and wants to move it forward, it will be little price for her to pay. I'm sure these guys aren't life support for her...let her use a vibrator for the next few weeks or months.

If she refuses, she is just taking advantage of you or perhaps she is more invested in one of these other guys than you think she is. Hate to see you go thru this.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2015):

Edit:" Only, the other guys are being denied the sex!"

Correction:

Only, the other guys aren't being denied the sex!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2015):

I'm sorry, my dear friend. I think you just keep her nights and days filled with activity; and you're keeping her company. You're in the friend-zone.

The other guys are emotionally unavailable, and the three of you comprise one man. The guy she desires made of three-parts. One offers her money and gifts and attention, another offers her passion, and yet another fulfills other fantasies.

In a nut-shell...you're being played.

It sounds like you don't mind. Enjoy it while you can. I didn't say you wouldn't make wonderful friends and playmates. The kissing and hugging is the least she can do.

Only, the other guys are being denied the sex! I think you're so caught-up, you're in total denial. Over fascinated with her charms and looks. So you're her little puppy.

I hope you're not spending a lot of money, running errands, or doing a lot of boyfriend stuff. Keep in-mind, you are casually seeing each other; and don't let your heart get attached. Furthermore; she is considered high-risk when it comes to HIV infection. Multiple sex-partners increases the chances of infection; so I hope you practice safe-sex. That means condoms always!

I think she likes your company and the male-companionship; just as women often befriend gay men. One of those women who makes friends with men easier than with other women.

I wouldn't set my heart on a commitment from her. I think she likes a lot of male attention, and she seems quite self-centered. I think you had better accept the fact you're a friend; and what she prefers for sex-partners may be far out of your league.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (20 November 2015):

janniepeg agony auntTechnically she can use that "we are not even official" as a reason to do whatever she wants. The heart does not care about technicality. I would say even with men with hearts like stone would have a problem with this. She might think honesty builds a foundation. I think she is clueless as to how this affects men.

"She is only seeing them as they want no commitment." You see, if there's a play in semantics, wanting a relationship doesn't mean she can't use men to scratch an itch until she finds one worthy. Like a company wants to find a long term position, but for now there are a few temps that can fill in until that long term candidate moves and settles in.

While she is not doing anything morally wrong, it does take out the specialness, the romance of devoting to one person, and concentrating on that person. Relationship becomes whatever works for her, and not two souls coming together.

This is not to say she can't be romantic, maybe once she is yours she works hard at making you happy. Seeing other people does not mean she will cheat on you. Women have a lot of freedom than before and no one can tell what they would do with that freedom. It's a risk you are going to take. I think it's great that you don't call her a slut like many men would. The feeling of uncertainty is what bothers you the most. A new feeling that many had not dealt with so the word is just slut.

You can tell her you are not comfortable with her seeing the other guys. You are not telling her what to do, it's just that you can't see her anymore.

For me, the thing that bothers me is when a person can compartmentalize this person for sex, that person for boyfriend. It's like they have different parts in the brain that they can switch on and off at will. I feel much comfortable with someone who feels something when they have sex.

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A male reader, Garbo United States +, writes (20 November 2015):

Garbo agony auntThis woman is a total skip material. If she is willing to commit to two men sexually to whom she has no emotional connection, yet needs time to examine you because you are offering an emotional connection, then that means that there is something very wrong with her.

Even though you believe that she could make a "brilliant partner", her actions, in my view, have already made her a no-go person who lacks sense of value. If she values cold sex so much that she has to evaluate your intents, you need to skip her, let her live in her cold-sex world, and get yourself a woman that is capable of grasping warmth of a relationship that you are seeking. I would go no contact, right here, right now.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (19 November 2015):

Honeypie agony auntThat would be am absolute no-go for me. I get that she doesn't know you that well yet... but sleeping with two other dudes doesn't really give off a "I'm looking for something serious vibe" either. Or a "I have respect for serious relationships".

It's only been a month though and she was honest about it, so that is on the + side. I would either suggest that you see each other (no sex) for another 2-3 months to get to know one another and if you BOTH decide you are a match... SHE needs to drop the other two dudes. Absolute no contact.

Personally, I would skip a person like that. For me that is just a too "liberal" attitude towards dating and sex for me.

I know it's getting to be the "norm" that people date multiple people at the same time, but having 2 f-buddies while dating someone she MIGHT be serious about down the line? Nope, not OK with me. If she is looking for serious then why is she wasting time on a couple of F-boys?

I'd wish her luck with her little "menagerie" and move on. Even IF she seems like a good option.

But you have to decide if she IS a good match for you or not.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2015):

You answered the question yourself. You feel that this will lead to mistrust. Honestly she sounds like a player. When someone wants a relationship they go for it. Her excuse as to why she won't date you makes little sense. Dating someone, starting a relationship means you are learning about each other.

I would end it, you'll have trust issues with her because she has been sleeping with two other guys while "searching" for a relationship. Meaning I'll take what I can take for as long as I can take it.

It's great that you see her as a good person. But these actions have already caused you doubts. Not a good thing to have when starting a relationship.

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