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She's a virgin and we can't have sex because it hurts her too much. Any tips?

Tagged as: Sex, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 August 2008) 17 Answers - (Newest, 31 December 2009)
A male age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Alright, so me and my girlfriend are getting hot and bothered and ready to have sex, catch is, she's a virgin. So I try to be gentle and all, because I hear it's sometimes really painful. I try, she says "OW!" really loud and I stop because I don't wanna hurt her and she's bleeding. 2 days later we try again and she starts bleeding again. All her friends are either virgins or don't feel like talking about their first times, so I figure that I'll turn to the internet and anonymous strangers for help. Is there anything she or I can do to stop this unfortunate pattern?

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A female reader, ajmk United States +, writes (31 December 2009):

well im sorry to hear tht is mmy first comment. not everyone experiences pain when they lose their virginity.their are different shapes and types of hymens

( yes i know) but seriously your girlfriend could have this type of hymen where it is completely closed making it hard to have sex. usually hymens have gaps or hole in them for the female to have their period. GOOGLE HEALTHY STROKES HYMEN GALLERY. TO REVIEW.IF IT CONTINUNES I WOULD SUGGEST HER VISITING A DOCTOR...:) GOOD LUCK

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2008):

Use plenty of lube. DO it slow and soft. Get her turned on before hand , even is ur just ruubin against each other while clothed. it gets her in the mood. Get Her horny an wet

Things should go gooodd

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2008):

Alrite i am also gettin ready to lose my virginity... for tha 1st tyme and i try it twice and it hurts like hell but imma have to suck it up and take tha pain becuz in tha end it will be all worth it.. Especially if u really like the person..

Hope its done already...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008):

well, I see your dilemma. You may want to try a sex toy with her first, such as a dildo or preferrably a vibrator so you can go really slow and

Easy so she can get the feel.

I hope this helps(:

Much love,


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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2008):

Um PLEASE do not listen to the insenstiive asshole below. If you really care about her DO NOT "TAKE HER BY SURPRISE", for she will most definitely not thank you after, and may even estrange herself/be afraid of you and doubt your true feelings for her. Also, i'm not sure how the MAN would know what to do best, seeing as it's the WOMAN going through the f***ing pain and getting her delicate hymen broken.

Just follow everyone else's advice and you'll be fine

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2008):

get lots of lube and make sure you rub it well into your penis. Then, best tactic is to take her by suprise. Basically ram it really hard and stretch her moist young flaps. Rip into her - literally. Tear her pussy and make it bleed everywhere. Just keep pumping and ripping until you shoot your sticky load deep inside her ruptured cavity.

She'll thank you for it afterwards.

Good luck..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008):

Well basicaly you just have to carry out the deed.

The more you do it the less painful it will become for her.

Theres no getting out of it im afraid

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008):

You may be better off if you concentrate on helping her to orgasm without penetration (lots and lots of foreplay). Then work on orgasm with penetration by your fingers. Finally, when

she's very happy with being fingered, try intercourse again and it will probably be a lot better.

The whole process may take a couple of months, but it will be a very rewarding experience for both of you!

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A female reader, scythe Australia +, writes (4 August 2008):

scythe agony aunt"go in fast, and get out as fast as you can. This way it's not drawn out, and the pain of you stretching her out inside is also over fast."

do not do this! ow! you should let her go on top, and gradually envelop you a little bit at a time, withdrawing and going a little further each time she is comfortable moving. then, when you are fully in her, allow her to just lie on you with you inside of her to allow her vaginal muscles to stretch to fit your size. she's probably never had anything that big in there before so its important for her vagina to get used to accommodating your penis.

it will probably hurt her alot on entrance for the first few times. as other people have suggested, do lots of foreplay to make her wet and excited (the vagina does expand a little when aroused). let her set the pace and be patient.

and have fun :)

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (4 August 2008):

How much foreplay are you having? You have to get her seriously turned on and relaxed before you start.

Use fingers to stretch her out a bit and get her wet all the way up, go down there and give her oral so she's really really having a good time.

You also could just stick to foreplay for a while and not have sex a few times so she doesn't fear the pain every time she gets naked.

She has to be completely relaxed and super turned on and used to all the other stuff first.

Good Luck!! xx

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A female reader, Rachel Evans United States +, writes (4 August 2008):

She needs to see a gynecologist.

Some women have what's called an imperforate or semi-perforate hymen. This means that it's much more closed than usual, and also possibly thicker. It is very easy to take care of, really just minor surgery.

If this is what she has, you won't be able to get in without practically raping her.

If that's not the case, you just have to manage to get past this. I see some people have said to go slowly, but it's often better for the woman to just use TONS of lube, go in fast, and get out as fast as you can. This way it's not drawn out, and the pain of you stretching her out inside is also over fast.

Every woman is different, but for some sex can hurt for months. But that doesn't mean that it has to be a bad experience for her. If you draw her in emotionally, and make sex less physical (aim to get her heart there) then she can really enjoy it and want more while she's stretching out, even if it hurts her.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008):

tell her to relax. go really slow and gentle. if you want to break her hymen and be able to have sex without it hurting then you two have to get through this. and most people bleed because it's their skin breaking so it's normal. i was a virgin and me and my boyfriend tried to have sex (and i am younger than you) but it hurt me way too much so we stopped. then we tried it again another night. he went slow and gentle and i took the pain. it hurt a lot but i just relaxed and got through it. after that, i went to the bathroom and i was bleeding a bit, but it's nothing. trust me it will all be worth it in the end. if you're both ready then just relax and get through this together. good luck! xx

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A female reader, lexilou United Kingdom +, writes (4 August 2008):

lexilou agony auntIt shouldnt hurt that much, Maybe she is just really scared and tensing up or she has a very low pain threshold. Most girls of her age have already broken their hymen through sports, using tampons etc as it is a very thin piece of tissue covering the entrance to her vagina. Try to get her to relax a bit more before you get to that stage or accept that she really isnt quite ready mentally yet for such a big step x

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A female reader, shandygirl United States +, writes (4 August 2008):

shandygirl agony auntYou sound like a very considerate guy. Get some "KY Lubricant" Be verry gentle and slow.

When a girl is a virgin, there is a tissue that you break during the first time. Sort of like a "seal." That is why it hurts, and that is why she bleeds.

In case you don't know, even though you don't penetrate all the way, you CAN get her pregnant if you cum at the entrance of her vagina. Hopefully she is on "birth control" pills.

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A female reader, KiaGrace Canada +, writes (4 August 2008):

KiaGrace agony auntFirst thing is first, your status says age 18-21, is this your real age?

Second of all, It's going to hurt until you go all the way. If you stop everytime it hurts her, then it's always going to hurt! After a few times of having sex, it doesn't hurt as much. It's natural for girls to bleed while there first time having sex, so don't worry to much about that, unless she's bleeding massive amounts! Just be gentle and don't rush it, it will hurt her and it will probably hurt you, but best get the hard part over with, so you can enjoy all the rest of the other times!

Best of luck

Any questions, message me.

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A female reader, aphexinfinite United Kingdom +, writes (4 August 2008):

aphexinfinite agony auntit hurts all girls and bleed too. try some lubricant take it easy and slow and that should help it be less painful but some it hurts alot or just a little in all honesty she needs to suck it up lol but yeah try those things with her oh and try foreplay first till she is relaxed that will also help her be less tense..good luck aphex xx

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A female reader, melz United Kingdom +, writes (4 August 2008):

yer, dont worry mate,

i was a virgin a few months ago, haha

most girls do bleed lucky for me i didnt,

you both might be ready but just take it easy on the girl

dont be too rough just do it nice and gentle dont do it to fast either,

it hurts the boy more than it hurts the girl so you have got to be feeling the pain aswell


hope it all goes well

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